Author Topic: My Partner passed away  (Read 3985 times)

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Offline Thea

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My Partner passed away
« on: April 03, 2019, 08:29:14 PM »
Des and I were together for 28 years. In September 2017 he was diagnosed with blocked arteries and required three stents. Unfortunately because he was a state patient, he had to wait in line for an appointment. He finally got his appointment in May 2018 but by then the blockages were long past being able to be fixed with stents. Des was told he would need a triple bypass and that he could wait for as long as 8 to 10 months. This meant he would probably be lucky if he got a surgery date in February this year.

Des suffered terribly with chest pains and was constantly tired. He was unable to work properly as he had to constantly sit down and would spend most afternoons lying on the bed. I was a wreck because I was constantly checking on him to see that he was still breathing.

On 5th November last year the cardiologist phoned and said there was a cancellation and that he wanted Des in hospital the next morning. Unfortunately he would have to go to the hospital in Port Elizabeth which was three to four hours drive away. We live/d in East London, South Africa.

After several delays, the surgery was performed on 15th November and according to the surgeon and the cardiologist, the operation was a perfect success. On the morning of the 17th when they removed the ventilator, they realised that something was wrong and suspected that he had had a massive stroke.

Because of all our birds and my cat and trying to find a house sitter, I was only able to get down to Port Elizabeth to be with Des on the Wednesday. I sat by his bedside from 11am to 8pm. He was unable to open his eyes or talk but he could move his right hand and kept squeezing my hand in response to my questions. On the Thursday morning I sat with him again but this time there was no response. Not one single twitch to signify that he knew I was beside him.
On Friday (23rd) morning at about 10 to 6 am the night sister phoned me and told me to come to the hospital; Des was not looking good. The friend that I was staying with rushed me to the hospital and we got there at about 6.15 am. As I rushed into the ward I saw the curtain was drawn around Des’ bed and I knew. The night sister came up to me and I said to her “I’m too late”. She put her arms around me and said he passed at 6 am.

After spending the morning running between the admin and the mortuary to fill in the paperwork to transfer Des back to East London. I had to come home alone. I have been alone ever since. I see our friends in passing and I get plenty of “If you need anything just call me” but that’s about it. Most of my days are spent pottering around the house. My cat and my birds are the only reason I get up in the morning. Without them I would just pull the blankets over my head and not face the day.

I am stuck in a sort of limbo. I can’t sell the house until the estate has been wound up and I can’t move anywhere else as I don’t have the money. I am starting to go stir crazy. My cat and birds can only give me so much company. My brother-in-law visits me every week but there is only so much I can talk to him about.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: My Partner passed away
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2019, 10:31:34 AM »
]Oh, I'm so sorry, Thea. It is easy to go stir-crazy when you are grieving and are also stuck where you are with all the official processes rolling along at their own sweet pace. I am still not done with the tax people 18 months on from my mother's death.

I can understand how you must be feeling stuck at home without your hubby now. The thoughts and memories go round and round in your head and, like you, I found this website feeling so alone and isolated on my own suffering all this terrible grief. It is a very lonely journey and one of the hardest you have to make in life.

I found too that people were not particularly supportive. They offered support verbally but did little to actually be there for you. Have you tried calling any of them and just asking if you could meet them for a coffee or something. I think part of the problem is that people often want to help, but at the same time, don't want to intrude and might well be happy to meet up with you and chat if you make the first move. They will be fearful of upsetting you further or butting in when you might prefer to be alone. I would give it a try. You may find they are happy to help and glad that you have asked. People don't really know what to say when someone has lost somebody and are not sure how to help, so they tell you they are there, but then leave it to you to decide if you want to see them or not and wait to see if they hear from you.

I found, in the end, that family and friends were less supportive than new people I have met. I too felt very isolated and could think of little else other than all that had happened and all I was going through. My mother also passed away in similar circumstances. She had injured her knee but was put on a combination of medicines that caused her to suffer a major stroke and she survived for about six more weeks in hospital before she succumbed. Like you, I got a call to go back in, having only just got home for a rest after spending all night by her side. I had done that for the last four nights and was exhausted. I got a second call just as I was about to leave to say I was too late and she was gone.

Family and friends were not of much help afterwards. I was also very lonely and felt myself sliding deeper and deeper into depression and knew I had to do something to save myself and my sanity, if I was to survive this, so I joined a class and took up an interest my mother had also enjoyed and that helped me more than anything else. Pets are wonderful, but they don't talk back and I think you need to talk when you've lost someone. I talked on here, but joining the class was better for me. I made some lovely new friends there, who have been more supportive and understanding than my family or friends. Also it took me out of the house and made me think about something else for a few hours a week and helped me connect with the world outside again. I really think that was what saved me. I would recommend that you try doing something like that. You may find it helps you too.

You have to find a way to build a new life in this new unwanted normal and that is very hard to do on your own and without the person you love, but it can be done and you just have to take tiny steps when you can. I found the littlest things helped me. I took walks in the park. It was a nice calm pretty place to go and sit to gather my thoughts and explore my feelings and try to comprehend all that had happened. I also found it comforting to have flowers in the house, as they were something lovely to look at. The class I joined helped me most, but I also wrote down in a journal each day, all that I was thinking and feeling and that helped to get it out of my system and it made me feel a bit better to write it down. Also, as a later date, you can look back at those old entries and see how far you have come since then. I also put together an album of photos of my mum to go to when I was missing her. Some people also put together a box of momentos or a memory book that they write down things they remember in and can turn to to remind themselves of when they want to revisit those memories.

All you can do it try to find things that help you and use those strategies to keep you on solid ground until you begin to find your feet again. It may not seem like it now, but as acceptance slowly comes, the bad memories of those painful last times do gradually recede a little and the good memories come back into focus. It takes a long time, but it will happen gradually. Until then, keep talking to us here and on the facebook group. There is usually someone around to respond no matter what the hour of the day or night and we all understand, because, sadly, we are all here having gone though a loss too, so we know how you are feeling. We also have a chat room we can use in the evenings. You might find that a good place to visit to get some contact with others too.

One day at a time, Thea. Little steps. Sending you strength and big hug..xx :hearts: :hug: :hug:

Offline Thea

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Re: My Partner passed away
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2019, 07:59:25 PM »
Hi Sandra. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom  :cry:

The thoughts and memories are so awful. Every time I think of Des, all I can see is him lying in that hospital bed not being able to open his eyes or talk. Then I keep seeing him after he had passed. The night sister took me to see him about half an hour after he had passed. That was the worst. I sat there holding his hand for a while until the sister came back and took me out of the room.

Some of my friends text me to see how I am and then we 'chat' for a few minutes via texting. The one friend that I know would like to spend time with me lives on the opposite end of town. She is in ill health so can't just jump in the car to come see me. I can't get to her because my car is not the most reliable and it would be just my luck to break down in the middle of nowhere on the way to her.

I agree with you about needing to do something. I have tried to get back into my crochet but I just can't get my motivation up and running and due to finances I can't take up any classes. I watch a lot of tv but that's not helping. It just distracts me for a while. I seem to have fallen into a hole and I just can't get myself out of it. 

When I was sorting through Des' papers and stuff, I put aside some of the documents and letters and photos from over the years. When I can face it, I will make up some albums of his achievements and his proudest moments. I have also found a few photos of him on the computer and will have them printed. I have photos of him right back from years before I met him, also a couple of baby pictures. It will be nice to have an album of him growing up from baby into the man I lived with.



   

Offline Sandra61

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Re: My Partner passed away
« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2019, 11:21:26 PM »
Well, that sounds like a good plan, Thea.

I know what you mean about feeling like you have fallen into a hole you can't get out of. I had the feeling I was going to do that too, but I really feel getting out of the house was an important part of not letting that happen. Do you have a park or somewhere that you could go and walk in to get you out of the house for a while? Could you ring your friend and have a chat on the phone or over the computer? I think it really matters to have some contact with someone and not to be stuck indoors on your own all the time. Otherwise you do tend to just end up dwelling on all those bad memories you mention. Part of that, I think, is also due to the fact that this is all still very recent for you and I think, as time passes, you will find that you focus less on those memories and more on the ones you made together, whilst Des was still with you.

I think the shock of these types of events hits you so hard that it takes a while for you to regain your equilibrium and move forward from the blow this has dealt you. That's why you will so often read people advising that you need to take it one day at a time. It is such a huge life-changing event to lose someone so close to you that you can only recover and find your way forward over months or years and usually, only one day at a time.

Any little step forward however, is still a step forward and you are already starting to make some. You have sought support here and hopefully, from your response to Karena, it sounds like you are reconsidering whether you may be able to reconnect with some of your friends and perhaps take some of them up on their offers of help and support. I think that would be a good thing for you to do.

It also helped me to write down how I felt about my mother's final illness and those final days. The act of just writing it down helped me to relieve the stress I felt that bottling it up was putting me under and helped me express and explore how I felt about all that had happened and although I am the only one to read it, I feel better for having done that. It might be something you could try that might help you too.

You are not alone here, Thea. Sending you strength and a hug.  :hug: :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: My Partner passed away
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2019, 12:27:09 PM »
:hug:  we seem to be talking on two threads now so i am switching my reply to your other post to here as well

Are you on an estate or independant house -i was just thinking about the car situation because i realise there is little alternative transport you can take - if you had a reliable mechanic could it be fixed so it becomes less unreliable - because i think that is going to be the key to your situation improving - if you are on an estate perhaps a neighbour or one of the security guys can help you find one and that search in itself could be a conversation opener and a way to break the ice with the people actually around you.I can fully understand why you wouldnt want to take an unreliable car across the city so the fist step could be to fix it, and also to look for ways to learn about how you can do some of the maintainance side of things yourself in future - often certain vehicles have online forums which could help, or there are you tube videos etc.
Another solution would be to get breakdown cover if you can afford too, i know over there plenty of people can turn up in a breakdown vehicle randomly, but if you have some-one known to you who you can build up a relationship of trust with, then you will probably  feel more confident.

It is early days yet and its natural reaction to want, on the one hand to to stay at home and hide away and on the other to have people around you - that is probably something we all find,  regardless of whether there actually are people around or not - What happens in time is that some disapear some re-appear and over time new friendships emerge - sometimes from  people we least expect who have hithertoo been more aquaintance than friend, and other times from new people - if you think about it those changes go on throughout other different periods in our lives, - when we go to high school and leave junior school friends behind, when we marry and drift from single friends towards other couples and so it is the same with grief. When you start to feel stronger, and you will,then you will start to fill the time that at the moment feels like a yawning chasm -
Initially i was the same - TV is a noise in the house -it makes it feel less empty, but i wasnt really watching it, I  couldnt be bothered with old hobbys, i am normally a bit of an environmentalist/conservationsist -  but i just  stopped caring, i lost my pasion for absolutely everything - even reading, which i had done throughout my whole life as a way of taking my mind off the real world stopped working. Gradually they came back
I took up crocheting - because i found a bag of my mums old knitting wool in the loft she had also died  and i didnt feel i could just dump it - and as knitting and me have a bad history  and i watched some-one crocheting while holding a conversation and drinking wine i though maybe it was something i could do with my less than foccussd mind. - some situations present themselves without us seeing them coming.
Maybe if you feel you cant be bothered to crochet for yourself, and often we do feel we dont want to do something for ourselves i didnt even bother to cook for myself for a long time,  you could  do it for some-one else - neo natal units for example often welcome tiny clothes for premature babies.

Classes -they are possible -there are a lot of free online courses - have a look at futurelearn -  they are international, (I have done a couple lead by capetown university as well as UK and an Aussie one ) they are short, require little commitment and cost free - i have done a load of them and in a way, although originally it was done just to fill time, and i chose random subjects that i thought might be a bit interesting and often seemed unrelated  they did connect and did re-ignite that passion - and not just passion, but now more educated - therefore more coherent and allowing me to be more confident in what i am saying.

You communicate with other students on the site via comments boxes, and so make contact with other people with the same interests you probably will never meet them in the real world -occasionally people from the same course set up facebook groups to continue contact - i am in a writing group that emerged from that.
Its not the same as getting out there and meeting real people - but i have difficultys doing that -(social anxiety)  and your difficultys are largely practical ones, but building confidence is a really good start to overcoming those difficulties.   

Durban is indeed beautiful, they were in Capetown last year which was also stunning and before that in Gauteng - which is less so but close enough to other areas which are.They set off on a two year trip through renting out the house there, and using long stay air bnb - as he can pretty much run his business by phone and their daughter was too young for school to be an issue, it seemed the right time - but the idea wasnt just for a long road trip  but to find somewhere better to settle and the couple of months in Durban expanding as it has to almost a year now speaks volumes about what that decision is, so i am pretty sure i will be returning in the coming winter.
keep coming back, keep talking, we might be on the other side of the world but you are not alone.  :hug:

Offline Thea

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Re: My Partner passed away
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2019, 07:37:16 PM »
Well, that sounds like a good plan, Thea.

I know what you mean about feeling like you have fallen into a hole you can't get out of. I had the feeling I was going to do that too, but I really feel getting out of the house was an important part of not letting that happen. Do you have a park or somewhere that you could go and walk in to get you out of the house for a while? Could you ring your friend and have a chat on the phone or over the computer? I think it really matters to have some contact with someone and not to be stuck indoors on your own all the time. Otherwise you do tend to just end up dwelling on all those bad memories you mention. Part of that, I think, is also due to the fact that this is all still very recent for you and I think, as time passes, you will find that you focus less on those memories and more on the ones you made together, whilst Des was still with you.

I think the shock of these types of events hits you so hard that it takes a while for you to regain your equilibrium and move forward from the blow this has dealt you. That's why you will so often read people advising that you need to take it one day at a time. It is such a huge life-changing event to lose someone so close to you that you can only recover and find your way forward over months or years and usually, only one day at a time.

Any little step forward however, is still a step forward and you are already starting to make some. You have sought support here and hopefully, from your response to Karena, it sounds like you are reconsidering whether you may be able to reconnect with some of your friends and perhaps take some of them up on their offers of help and support. I think that would be a good thing for you to do.

It also helped me to write down how I felt about my mother's final illness and those final days. The act of just writing it down helped me to relieve the stress I felt that bottling it up was putting me under and helped me express and explore how I felt about all that had happened and although I am the only one to read it, I feel better for having done that. It might be something you could try that might help you too.

You are not alone here, Thea. Sending you strength and a hug.  :hug: :hearts:


Hi Sandra
Unfortunately, security and safety is a huge issue here so it's not wise to walk around in the parks.

Very true, it is so easy to sit and dwell on the bad memories and I have to try very hard to keep my mind busy.

I had thought about writing all this down but wasn't sure if that would be the right thing to do as I would be reliving everything. Perhaps it would be a good thing to write it all down, in as much detail as possible and then have a really good heartfelt cry over it.  I have cried so much in the last 4 months that I am surprised I'm not dehydrated.
 

Offline Thea

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Re: My Partner passed away
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2019, 08:10:39 PM »
:hug:  we seem to be talking on two threads now so i am switching my reply to your other post to here as well

Are you on an estate or independant house -i was just thinking about the car situation because i realise there is little alternative transport you can take - if you had a reliable mechanic could it be fixed so it becomes less unreliable - because i think that is going to be the key to your situation improving - if you are on an estate perhaps a neighbour or one of the security guys can help you find one and that search in itself could be a conversation opener and a way to break the ice with the people actually around you.I can fully understand why you wouldnt want to take an unreliable car across the city so the fist step could be to fix it, and also to look for ways to learn about how you can do some of the maintainance side of things yourself in future - often certain vehicles have online forums which could help, or there are you tube videos etc.
Another solution would be to get breakdown cover if you can afford too, i know over there plenty of people can turn up in a breakdown vehicle randomly, but if you have some-one known to you who you can build up a relationship of trust with, then you will probably  feel more confident.

It is early days yet and its natural reaction to want, on the one hand to to stay at home and hide away and on the other to have people around you - that is probably something we all find,  regardless of whether there actually are people around or not - What happens in time is that some disapear some re-appear and over time new friendships emerge - sometimes from  people we least expect who have hithertoo been more aquaintance than friend, and other times from new people - if you think about it those changes go on throughout other different periods in our lives, - when we go to high school and leave junior school friends behind, when we marry and drift from single friends towards other couples and so it is the same with grief. When you start to feel stronger, and you will,then you will start to fill the time that at the moment feels like a yawning chasm -
Initially i was the same - TV is a noise in the house -it makes it feel less empty, but i wasnt really watching it, I  couldnt be bothered with old hobbys, i am normally a bit of an environmentalist/conservationsist -  but i just  stopped caring, i lost my pasion for absolutely everything - even reading, which i had done throughout my whole life as a way of taking my mind off the real world stopped working. Gradually they came back
I took up crocheting - because i found a bag of my mums old knitting wool in the loft she had also died  and i didnt feel i could just dump it - and as knitting and me have a bad history  and i watched some-one crocheting while holding a conversation and drinking wine i though maybe it was something i could do with my less than foccussd mind. - some situations present themselves without us seeing them coming.
Maybe if you feel you cant be bothered to crochet for yourself, and often we do feel we dont want to do something for ourselves i didnt even bother to cook for myself for a long time,  you could  do it for some-one else - neo natal units for example often welcome tiny clothes for premature babies.

Classes -they are possible -there are a lot of free online courses - have a look at futurelearn -  they are international, (I have done a couple lead by capetown university as well as UK and an Aussie one ) they are short, require little commitment and cost free - i have done a load of them and in a way, although originally it was done just to fill time, and i chose random subjects that i thought might be a bit interesting and often seemed unrelated  they did connect and did re-ignite that passion - and not just passion, but now more educated - therefore more coherent and allowing me to be more confident in what i am saying.

You communicate with other students on the site via comments boxes, and so make contact with other people with the same interests you probably will never meet them in the real world -occasionally people from the same course set up facebook groups to continue contact - i am in a writing group that emerged from that.
Its not the same as getting out there and meeting real people - but i have difficultys doing that -(social anxiety)  and your difficultys are largely practical ones, but building confidence is a really good start to overcoming those difficulties.   

Durban is indeed beautiful, they were in Capetown last year which was also stunning and before that in Gauteng - which is less so but close enough to other areas which are.They set off on a two year trip through renting out the house there, and using long stay air bnb - as he can pretty much run his business by phone and their daughter was too young for school to be an issue, it seemed the right time - but the idea wasnt just for a long road trip  but to find somewhere better to settle and the couple of months in Durban expanding as it has to almost a year now speaks volumes about what that decision is, so i am pretty sure i will be returning in the coming winter.
keep coming back, keep talking, we might be on the other side of the world but you are not alone.  :hug:


Hi Karena
I live in an independent house. My brother-in-law helps me with my car so I don't have too many worries, I just don't want to drive too far just in case. An added worry now is that while I was out driving the other day, a stone was kicked up by another vehicle and hit my windscreen. There is now a 6 inch crack on the side. I definitely don't want to be caught out somewhere if the crack suddenly spreads. My brother in law is going to assist me with that but at the moment he is busy with the construction of his new workshop.
Um, I think the inner workings of my car would be a lot safer if I stay away from them, even with a maintenance course tucked under my belt! I'm not the most handy of people in that regard.

I have been thinking of crocheting some small items I saw online. My friend, the one who is not well and lives across town has practically ordered me to pick up my crochet hook. She told me in no uncertain terms that she wants me to make some for her granddaughter. She says that I have to have these items completed in time for the child's Christmas gift. My friend's daughter and family live in Cape Town so I have to complete the items by October. Fortunately they are all small things and as I have made some of them before I know they won't take long. I'll start them as soon as I have bought the wool.

Thank you for the suggestion to look at future learn. I will have a look and see what it's all about.
I find it difficult to make friends. If it's just me and someone else then I'm fine, but as soon as another person joins in then I sit back in silence and just listen. When I was younger I was painfully shy but I am a lot better now. Still shy but I do join in where I can. 






Offline Sandra61

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Re: My Partner passed away
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2019, 10:18:11 AM »
Hi Thea,

It's a shame you can't go out safely. Do you have a garden or a balcony you could go and sit out in perhaps. I know at home you get into bad habits when it comes to getting outside. I have a garden, but very rarely actually go and sit out there.

You do tend to relive events a bit when you write them down, but that's kind of the point, because, as you write, you are also getting all your thoughts and feelings out of your system to a great extent and so, unconciously, coming to terms with it all a bit. You are not just writing down the events, but also the thoughts and feelings you had about them at the time and have had since and have now. Writing it all down helps you acknowledge them and also can make you aware of things you had not really realised you thought or felt about them and it is very cathartic. I found that i cried whilst doing it, but cried a lot less afterwards and think about it much less too. For me, it gave me a form of closure on the actual events somehow and helped me cease the reliving them through so much. I had acknowledged and evaluated them in doing this and thought through all the turmoil of feelings that I had about them and when I was done, I felt better and more accepting of all that occurred. I could not change anything that happened, but I knew how I felt about it all and somehow the weight of upset about it fell from my shoulders somewhat by doing this. I felt I was drawing a line under it and although I will never forget and will never stop being upset about it, it affects me less badly now. I can think of the good memories more easily and I focus much less on the last weeks now, I think as  a result of writing it all down. For me, it meant that this is how I feel about everything and is a permanent acknowledged record of that, even though I can't change anything and somehow, the act of making that physical record meant I could draw that line and consign these events to the past, even though there were elements of those events I would have liked to change. It made me acknowledge that that is out of my control to do, but at the same time, that I will never be happy about some of what happened, but must accept that things were as they were.

I'm not too good at explaining but hope this helps a bit. It's hard to explain what this action did for me, but it did make things better. I don't often look back on what I wrote, partly because I remember and so don't need to, partly because I dwell on those events less since I did it, but also I know that it is all there, clearly laid out and fully expressed, if I do feel the need to look back at it all again, and somehow, knowing I have that, with all my own faults and failing acknowledged too, is a comfort.

Anyway, I hope you find something to do that helps you as much.

Good luck with the crochet, Thea. I knit when I have time, but I don't have much time at the moment.

Do you have windscreen fixing firms out there. I had a crack once and called the windowscreen replacement people listed on my insurance and they came within and hour and had it replaced within half an hour and it was covered on my insurance, so I didn't even have to pay! Might be worth looking at your policy and it might be quicker than waiting for your brother-in-law. Hope you get it sorted.

Speak soon again..xx :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: My Partner passed away
« Reply #8 on: April 08, 2019, 11:11:47 AM »
Its really hard out there Sandra to find a trustworthy repairer,  so unless its on insurance and they send some-one out known to them its a big thing - we have a hard time here with these things, but being a woman on your own out there is a whole bigger ball game sadly.

That doesnt mean its one that cant be played  though Thea, my son in laws grandma and aunt both do it in Joburg -  but i cant help thinking you would be better off on a secure estate where you could at least walk round relatively safer, and both of them have good relationships with the security guys on their estates so they can call on them for help with other stuff as well knowing that they or their recommended friend in the trade is ok.   

so on the subject of moving, - i know you said everything is still to be sorted out paperwork wise but if you do decide its something you might do, emotionally its another big step, however, i was forced too financially. I loved our house and village -i would love to go back there even now, however i dont feel that moving house meant moving away from him which is what i most dreaded,of course i had the same furniture and the"things" that held cherished memorys - first thing i did was a dig a pond - because me doing that previousely had been a joke between us - then i planted up a corner with his favourite plants ( some of which i had transferred from the old garden) - so in a sense i was trying to  re create what we had, which sounds a bit weird now reading back, and of course it didnt re create his presence, but it helped me stay close to him in a different way.And it wasnt always the obvious stuff - For example he left a rear heater matrix from the camper van that had to be replaced on the kitchen windowsill - i didnt do the usual tidy up but put a post it note one that said remove me - he responded by leaving a rose in the pipe bit and so leaving notes and things became a habit - a joke between us - but then when i moved, even knowing there would be no more roses or notes i took it with me and put it on the kitchen windowsill - stupid little stuff like that can make it more bearable.

Anyway until its all sorted you cant decide on anything as major as that and in a way thats not a bad thing because making major decisions while you are still reeling from the shock isnt the best idea in the world,  so i,m only really telling you that about moving as a way of saying dont rule it out as an option in the future, so for now have a look at futurelearn - get your crochet hook out and keep writing on here,we will be around as long as you need us to be. :hug:

Offline Thea

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Re: My Partner passed away
« Reply #9 on: April 09, 2019, 08:04:03 PM »
Thank you Sandra and Karena.

The last couple of days have been a bit strained. I was hit by the blues big time and spent a fair amount of time just crying my eyes out.
Everything seems to be happening at once.  My mom (she's 83) is not well. She was in hospital last month with pneumonia and then a few days ago, at home, she fell going from the bathroom to her bedroom. Both eyes are black, her elbow and knee took a big knock and she is even more frail than ever. She lives with my sister who says that mom is resisting all attempts to be helped. She wants to be independent but there things she just cannot do on her own anymore.     
Then on Friday night the gas geyser in the bathroom stopped working so I have to lug buckets of hot water from the kitchen to the bath. If I call someone out to look at it, the call out is going to be expensive before they even look at the dang unit. It's probably something so simple. I am busy asking around if anyone has a similar unit and that could come and look before I go the costly route

Unfortunately I have to wait for my brother in law regarding the windscreen. He can get a good deal on a replacement. I will be seeing my sister tomorrow and will chat with her to see if we can get things moving there.

I will write things down. I have a nice little notebook that I am going to use. I just can't bring myself to start.

I would love to move to an estate but at the moment that's a future plan. I am going to sell the house once the estate is settled. I've been told that could take up to 15 months so I am praying like mad that everything moves along as quick as possible. I don't know how i will face living here for that long. I am already going stir crazy and it's only been a little over 4 months since Des passed.

There are quite a few little things that I have been collecting. As I clean out and sort through stuff, I keep a box nearby and any little memory item I find goes in there. As I mentioned before, when I can face it, I will make up albums of photos and all the documents and letters that signified milestones in Des' life. With all the little knick knacks etc, I might even make a box frame and display the items in it.

I am also going to take some plants with me. Until I am able to move I am going to take some of my container plants to my sister and store them there. I will also take the bench from the back garden under the flamboyant tree. It is an old railway sleeper on bricks and doesn't look like anything fancy but I know that Des would sit there sometimes when he was feeling tired from his heart problem. Sitting there brings me some good memories.

I did nose around futurelearn but will go back and look again. There are a lot of interesting courses there.
My crochet hook, pattern and wool are all lying next to my chair in the lounge. One of these days I will pick them up and make a start. My crochet mo-jo is still a bit lacking. 

Offline Karena

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Re: My Partner passed away
« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2019, 11:07:27 AM »
Hi Thea it all takes time and four months is not long into this roller coaster journey,and sometimes we just keep on hitting those barriers, and things that would have bothered us less had they been here, that would have been a shared problem whether they are massive like your mums fall or more mundande like th gas geyser they become the triggers for a downwards drop.

My everything mojo went,  even reading and i loved to read, the tv was on but more because i couldnt stand the emptiness of the house and it became a background sound,  i wasnt really watching it.
I went to work but had no interest in it, everything was done on autopilot, work for me has always simply been a means to live not a career or passion and i felt that more keenly too - even that now seemed pointless .
I had been passionate about permaculture, interested in current affairs, all sorts of things that just went out of the window for a long time and everything was just about getting through each day, there was no passion for anything anymore just a sense of futility in a sea of pain.

Crochet for me was something new that came later, but the other things did come back, seeing the dolphins resumed my passion for saving them, going to South Africa,  re-ignited the permaculture/ conservation/environment sparks, (because despite all the problems i do love your country, the weirdest thing was the second or third time i did it, landing at the airport and feeling i had come home - even though it has never actually been my home.)

Perhaps even  the  feeling that my life was pointless with no-one who needed me to care for them any more, wasnt an entirely bad thing, although it certainly felt like it at the time but i became braver, having been a carer in some form since i was 16,  looking after just myself was completely alien.I didnt know where to start so i pretty much decided i was going to live my life for him, do the things he would have loved to do for him, if that makes any sense.
But doing that even though i didnt know it at the time was the way he continued to care for me by giving me something to live for  - i remember a moment, walking up a Drakensburg mountain, terrrified of heights and potential snakes and my lack of fitness, and then pausing looking around and thinking so what if i die this is a beautiful place to die - but then straight from that, came the feeling that there were more places like that to see and more places just as beautiful to live for.So while back home the mundane continued, the bouts of depression didnt end, the dark clouds were not encompassing me completely any more because there was always that plan, that place to go or thing to do - for him.
I imagined if there was an afterlife and we did meet again how short the conversation would be if i just gave up,and imagined telling him about those things, now i think he is with me and seeing them with me, but should that place of reunion exist, will smile tolerantly as i tell him about what he already knows.

My job is graphic design, doing adverts for software but doing the futurelearn courses eventually helped me see how even that, had provided me with skills i could use for the things i do care about.

I know what you mean about taking the bench, it isnt about the price of the stuff or the quality, but about the sentimental attachment, sadly this is a very harsh lesson in what really matters. :hug:

Offline Sandra61

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Re: My Partner passed away
« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2019, 10:28:02 PM »
I think it's great that you are making plans and trying to find things to do that will help you, Thea.

I know when I was at my lowest ebb, I knew that I needed to make some kind of plan just to be able to know that I had got back some degree of control over my life and this scary future I was facing alone.

For someone whose loss is so recent, I am not at all surprised that you are still prone to feeling so down. That phase lasted over a year for me. It is a easier now, but is still there, just beneath the surface. I think you gradually grow more used to the fact of your new reality. You don't have a choice. You won't like it, but you are stuck with it, so you have to sink or swim and it is better to try at least to stay afloat, even if the shore is not yet in sight.

Good luck, Thea! Keep going! I think you're doing really well!  :hearts: :hug: