Author Topic: Dealt with my wife’s death badly  (Read 1258 times)

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Offline Sadknight

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Dealt with my wife’s death badly
« on: October 15, 2018, 01:54:58 AM »
Hi

My wife passed away over 4 years ago. It was cancer and within a matter of weeks from being healthy to dying. She was in pain throughout which got worse and worse. It was horrific. I was in total shock looking back 4 years later. I did everything to stop thinking about what happened the pain I had was too much. I dealt with everything, funeral etc etc and got rid of so much in the house that had memories. Which I regret now. Didn’t keep hardly anything. My in-laws whom I had known for over 30 years and got on well with gave me no support. I only had friends to help.

I decided that I had to start a new life and far too quickly got involved with a woman. At the time it helped me not to reflect on what had happened. I tried to put it out of my mind. To cut a long story short the relationship has come to an end and was not good. I had counselling and was told I hadn’t grieved. I now realise how true this is. I am grieving and feel so ashamed for how I dealt with it all.

I realise now how much I love my late wife and how much I miss her. It was how I dealt with the awful pain of her death but wasn’t the right way.

So now I am grieving and feel I have betrayed her. I did everything possible during those final weeks to help her.


Offline Emz2014

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Re: Dealt with my wife’s death badly
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2018, 08:48:30 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug   :hug:

I personally dont think there is a right or wrong way to grieve. It is a path which, although there may be many similar stages, is all very individual to each of us.  Sometimes the emotions are just too strong and we find ourselves acting out of character or trying to subdue/avoid them.  Doesnt make it wrong, its just an attempt at coping

Feeling guilty is also a common feeling on this journey. The what-ifs, should-haves and more hindsight we get once time has passed.

I imagine you are also dealing with feeling the loss of the recent relationship. Which is hard when you already feel raw inside

Be gentle with yourself. Nothing can take away the love for your wife, the time and beautiful memories can never be taken away. Please try to fight feeling ashamed, you are human and you were doing the best you could to cope. You may find it helps to talk about it, and here you will find others who have all had a loss. No professionals here but everyone will understand this rollercoaster journey xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Dealt with my wife’s death badly
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2018, 11:11:34 AM »
 :hug: There isnt a manual on grieveing and people do respond differently, reacting to such a shock and trauma like this by trying to convince yourself it will be ok if you move on and start a new life/relationship/career etc is not unusual or callous, or anything you should feel guilty about, but as Emz said guilt is a very common thing under any reaction -  probably all of us here have questioned our own behaviour -  what if i had done this or said that - either before they died or afterwards.

Grief can be very complex and bring about emotions we struggle to deal with and so sometimes our minds fill with other things to distract from that, and quite often those around us almost encourage us to do it - not with any mal -intent but because they want to see us happy again -
society in general has expectations about how we should "move on" - the whole year of mourning thing - a victorian concept with no basis in reality, or the idea that 3 days compassionate leave from work is sufficient - so its based not just in our own differing reactions but in our social conditioning - the idea that we must  follow a pattern of behaviours or emotions  and this again adds more to our internal conflict.

 

Offline Cinn

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Re: Dealt with my wife’s death badly
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2018, 08:48:21 PM »
Hello,
Please dont feel ashamed or guilty. You were in pain and did the best you could.  When someone we love dies it leaves a cavernous emptiness, and its human nature to try to fix that any way we can. Grieving now is more complicated by the fact you are feeling the loss of your girlfriend as well.  I hope you are able to find some peace soon, and stop blaming yourself. Take care.