Author Topic: Loss my dad  (Read 1069 times)

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Offline Slimmershaz

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Loss my dad
« on: November 12, 2018, 09:21:05 AM »
Hi loss my dad very suddenly 6 weeks ago , just 12 days after my mother had a full knee replacement. I am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I think he knew he was ill but did not tell anyone , all the little things now add up . It was his birthday at the weekend ., and he would have been 81 . I find it hard my siblings and all getting on with things and I feel lost in a cloud that I cannot seem to accept what has happened.. I am spending a lot of time looking after my mother as I live the closest ,but I cannot seem to accept that he didn’t know he was sick as he died of leukaemia, and we couldn’t have done something about it . He said he felt poorly and had a bad back and within 36 hours he had died I feel I didn’t get him to the hospital in time or I should have taken it more seriously . I have come back to work but have been just sitting staring at a computer doing nothing .How can you lose someone so quick that was fit and well

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Loss my dad
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2018, 06:47:17 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Loss my dad
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2018, 12:24:34 PM »
Hi and welcome.
guilt is a big part of grief, as is loss wasnt enough -and all of us here have had that time of questioning - what if i had done this or that differently - often if you turn the question around you can see that had you done that different thing then you would still be asking yourself the question - what if i had done the other.

For me with my husband it was a second stroke he had away from home he aske me to take him home and guilt was always what if i had taken him home as he asked instead of calling an ambulance - the outcome would have been the same - but at least i would have done as he wanted and he would have seen our house,dog and garden again which he didnt because he didnt ever get to come home - but i know now, that had i done that and we had gone home , i would always have the question - what if i had called the ambulance instead - perhaps they might have saved him.
Before that with my mum who had cancer - she sent me home because she was worried about the snow on the roads - if i had disobeyed her and stayed at the hospital she would still have died but she wouldnt have died alone as she did within a short time of me leaving - should i have known it was so close - even though the doctors and nurses didnt - i will always have to live with that and even now 14 years on i get upset about it occasionally.
So in her case i obeyed her wishes , and in his  i disobeyed,  and in both cases still lost. -What i am trying to say is we can only ever act how we see as being the best option at the time, given what we know at the time, and whatever choices we made at that moment, we never did so without the best intention.

leukemia symptoms are not at all obvious in early stages and  often it is diagnosed only after a blood test with a very high white cell count and that test being something routine or for potential other problems - so he may well not have known, and even later on symptoms like fatigue etc is something many of us wouldnt bother a doctor with, but put down to something much more benign, old age, weather, etc  the chances are by the time he was actually feeling really poorly there wouldnt have been anything they could have done if he had been in hospital earlier - and potentially -for him, that extra time of knowing would have been very intrusive and stressful time spent on a hospital ward rather than being at home but the outcome wouldnt have been different.

I know that it doesnt make you feel any better and you will still have questions, i think all of us have those and in time come to live with knowing they wont be answered  -you could for example ask for his medical notes, to find out if he did know earlier and decided to say nothing - but  then all you would get is more questions and ones that cant be answered, because if it was the case, he knew then he made a choice to do things the way he did - and maybe you might feel angry with him about it but it isnt possible to ask him why, and that isnt fair to his memory because he cant make his case -
So even if you knew that he knew how ill he was and felt it was the wrong choice he made, there is one certainty to everything which is  it was undoubtedly made with the intention of protecting you and your familly from this pain for as long as possible and that intention was created only by love of you all.

One thing i can tell you from experience  is that even if we have more time and know some-one is leaving us, we are no better prepared because we focus on their care and fill our lives with that while in in our head is the thought that its a mistaken diagnosis , or a miracle cure will be found - and we cling to false hope -because hope is what keeps us going through those weeks  - and when the end comes it still leaves us in shock just as much as when we didnt know.The grief is no less either way :hug: