Author Topic: Hi  (Read 1107 times)

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Offline Laineyem

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Hi
« on: November 15, 2018, 06:38:21 PM »
Hi, I lost my lovely husband Steve in March 2017 after 33 years together. I lost my mum 7 months before that and as Steve was so ill at the time (he had a tumour in his brain stem) that I don’t think I really had the time to grieve her loss. I was cared to both of them and despite work I feel like life has no purpose.

I miss Steve more and more each day and whilst I know I need to move beyond this I just can’t seem to find any interest in going out and socializing at all.  In fact I actively avoid it. There seems no point if he can’t be there to share it with me.

Reaching out here as maybe online is at least a starting point.

Lainey

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hi
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2018, 08:24:11 PM »
Sending you a big welcome hug  :hug:  hope you find the forum helpful/supportive xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Hi
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2018, 11:23:52 AM »
 :hug: I lost my husband 7 years ago and also felt there was no point - in fact work in itself also felt pointless i wasnt exactly saving the world making adverts for software.and though i needed the money to survive -surviving still meant returning to an empty house and cooking for one (or rather microwaving ready meals and eating
junk because cooking required an effort i didnt think i was worth )
   
I had to move house too which made socialising even harder - our friends were centred around a camping club - and none of them lived nearby - i did keep going camping but it was a few weekends a year and left winters horribly empty.
 If i am honest i was never a great socialiser anyway and i still arnt - so firstly i think its important not to force yourself to be a person you are not because people say you "ought too" - having said that neither should we isolate ourselves completely.
Maybe the solution is something in between - my mum, when she became a widow joined classes -just stuff she was interested in like art -but doing that made socialising easier because she was in a group who were also wanting to learn to paint - and having that as a focus created social contact more easilly and she did gain friends from it  over time.
I did online courses as real world ones are not available to me - so again no real world contact - but it occupied some time there were discussions with felow students and even though they were people i would never meet it reduced that social isolation in a different way and kept my brain active - and eventually by putting several randomly picked -so i thought  - courses together i found a way in which the work skills i had been so down on before could transfer to something more useful outside work - so volunteering is another way that socialising can grow - others here have done this in the past and it has worked for them - whether thats direct like in a chrity shop or community centre or less direct which was how i started -  i cant go plonk myself in a pub and make small talk with random strangers - i cant even go into a cafe and eat alone -i dont have that confidence but there are other things i can do now that i never though in those early days i would - and actually i dont want to walk into a pub and if i am travelling i dont need to eat in a cafe there are plenty of other options - its a case of picking the destination you want to go too - not the ones others think you should and then finding ways to get round the dragons that might be standing in your way.

I still miss him every day -some days are worse than others, but i also think of my life as being his eyes on the world and so keep him moving forward with me, just in a different way.Initially going out was always tainted by coming back to the empty house and having no-one to share with - just like when you come home from work,so treating yourself - not in a massive way - but a film, a hot bath with bubbles, music, special bar of chocolate - special type of tea can help you get over the doorstep and if you have a garden or just an outdoor space and a plant pot maybe with some herbs in or one of his favourite plants if he had one -  that also creates some sancturary -  my routine now is go through the front door make a cup of tea then out the back door to drink it - that way when you go back in again the house feels more welcoming because you already got over the step.-

When my mum was ill she stayed with us and we put a load of bird feeders where she could watch them after she died we put them in a corner of the garden along with her favourite plants and a water feature - and i used to just go and sit there with a coffee in the morning  now its a new garden - and more loss - but i still recreated that space - its a memorial space to me but its also just a nice place to sit rather than just a place to mourn.
Writing this i,m thinking maybe it all sounds a bit self indulgent but i think showing yourself some kindness and understanding is the first step to building confidence and strength and finding ways in which your life is no longer pointless.

It doesnt feel like it i know, but it is still early days for you and finding this place became a lifeline for me - not only somewhere to write my feelings but also somewhere others on the same journey understood - no-one said "move on" or "pull yourself together" no -one had those expectations but still offered encouragement in other ways without criticism if i failed, and with re assurance that i wasnt going mad - because although we grieve in different ways -there is always something that makes you think you are going mad or doing it wrong somehow, but then some-one here says no -that happened to us too.
 
We also have the daily chat section - because as time goes on it isnt just the big things you miss - but the little things  that become important - how was your day - what can i do about this - whats this plant -what shall i cook for my tea - everyday chat is also important and for me not something that happens at work.


Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hi
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2018, 11:47:20 AM »
Hi Laineyem,

So sorry to hear about your losses. I lost my mum in October 2017 and like you really felt life had no point after that. The worst time for me was about seven months later when I had a few weeks when I felt quite despairing. But there are still good or should I say better weeks as well as bad ones and that's how it goes on still.

Quite early on however, I knew I would have to make a conscious effort to engage with life again in some way, if I were to survive. Like you, I went through the motions of going to work, but still feel that only adds to the stress! What did help was to go out and join a class, which although initially it took a lot of courage, really helped once I started going. I made a few lovely new friends there and at least it makes me think about something else for a while, even if it is only for a couple of hours a week and it gives me a lift.

I think it is something you have to make yourself do, if you are to help yourself and I am sure your husband and mother would both want you to try to build a new life for yourself somehow. You still have your life and deserve to be happier, even if, at first, that is only for a few hours a week. I would recommend giving it a try. Good luck!