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Offline BT

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Question
« on: November 29, 2016, 09:35:45 AM »
HI, I Read a comment recently about avoiding people after the death.  I too avoid certain people 7 months after.  There are new and old friends in my life that have helped me a lot.  Does the death of someone close make you question everything and everyone ?



Offline Emz2014

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Re: Question
« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2016, 04:21:36 PM »
I think so.  Especially in the second year I most definitely questioned alot of things, even life in general, meaning of life and spirituality.  Some of my outlook has definitely changed, whether that's all good I dont know but I have learnt alot about myself and others around me on my journey

Work has a different meaning to me now, something I am still finding myself pondering/questioning and at times struggling with.  I have made changes and am retraining, and feeling much more meaning than before.  I am very understanding with friends and have some wonderful friends but I have also ended some friendships - those that brought excessive drama or just wasnt a healthy friendship.  I actually feel much better for that, I can focus the time I have on good friends.  I've also accepted that some relationships (mainly with family) arent what I had thought they were, but think I've come to a place where I can accept how the relationship is and focus my attention on the value of the close family relationships that I do have.  I guess it's been finding and learning what really matters xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline pennyking

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Re: Question
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2016, 08:42:10 PM »
Hi BT,  Yes I think we do question every aspect of our lives when we have lost a loved one.  I for one have changed from the person I was before I lost my hubby.  I feel life is taking me along with it instead of me living a life.   I do what I can to get through each day.  Sending hugs x

Offline Hubby

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Re: Question
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2016, 10:26:27 PM »
I think bereavement has made me, not so much question everything but, change my whole outlook on things. The main question I have about everything is "Is this important" and the answer I get for the vast majority of things is a resounding no.  :undecided:

Offline alan2273

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Re: Question
« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2016, 10:48:40 AM »
I have to agree with all the above comments, losing my wife certainly changed my perspective on life and the way I see things.


Offline Brian71

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Re: Question
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2016, 12:25:15 AM »
I agree with Alan's and Hubby's comments,  it's more of a life changer than it probably was getting married all those years ago,  I can think of nothing that's had such an impact on me.  We get used to having a great love and companionship in our lives, and then it's suddenly all gone.  To acerbate the situation is that most times it happens when we are older and at a period in our lives when that shared love and companionship is valued and needed most.

Love and happiness is something many take for granted, until one terrible day it's all taken away, and all that remains is emptiness and memories. In that moment we have gone from having everything to having nothing!  in reality it's about as near as you'll get to having a broken heart I suppose, that's' how it feels to me.
« Last Edit: December 01, 2016, 02:34:45 AM by Brian71 »

Offline colin

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Re: Question
« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2016, 07:21:32 PM »
Totally agree Brian,I like you have lost the only true love in my life,this new life as completetly changed me from outgoing person into a semi recluse who does not do much (lack of interest in life).hurting so much and no-one to turn to.

Offline Karena

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Re: Question
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2016, 08:58:58 PM »
Hubby hit on something there when he said is it important most of the time no.This certainly true,but also applys to how life can get better.I agree I am totally not the person I was and have lost confidence and most of the time am pretty reclusive.When it comes to socialising Keith was the outgoing one and I was happy to be his shadow.But there were some things we did together that are still important to me.So the dolphin watching for example..At some point in this wretched journey and further along than most of you are now,I thought life is bad enough I have lost enough why throw away what's left.Do I still care about dolphins, do i still think that research is important of course I do,so what's to lose by going back.It was difficult but I did it.That was the start of deciding what's important enough to fight for.I can't sit at a table in a cafe or restaurant on my own.I can't go to the pub on my own but do they matter to me no.So I,m not going to fight that battle.But to get to the things that are important there are obstacles like that so they're battles that can't be avoided.Eatings easy theres always pastie or sandwhiches but how do i get to a place.I can travel alone but arriving is difficult.Being in a strange place in transit is difficult,shops and cafes are out so where do i go. So I took his camera,and googled the place and found the highlights and suddenly behind a camera I legitimise my presence somewhere to myself so have the confidence I need,
I,m fine with that too now  and along the way I  discovered actually I,m quite good at this I just didn't bother before because he was better.

What I,m trying to say here is that even though you have changed and everything seems so pointless there is no point making a bad situation worse by throwing away the things that are important,and if they were important to both of you then theyre still important to you. But to do those things sometimes you have to find a way round the obstacles by a route that you can cope with.

Offline Rosaleen

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Re: Question
« Reply #8 on: December 03, 2016, 10:29:26 AM »
Karena, I'm genuinely pleased that you've managed to find some new meaning in life.
For myself,well...........
going back to the avoiding friends subject ties in, because I still do the same,  1 year on, with old friends. I'd tried by starting to stay in contact with them via email but ended up just letting them know that I wanted space and would let them know when things changed, which it hasn't.
 Frankly, with these old friends  Im not interested in them talking about their daily lives, their own minor worries and I have no interest in sharing any of mine.
I feel with Christmas coming up they may want to reestablish contact, with Christmas cards, 
but know these are likely to have such  *!!**!!  messages  as Have a Wonderful  Christmas. They did last year,  only 7 WEEKS after George passed away.
I ve read on here about how refusing friendship is like refusing to accept a gift. But for me, for now ,  that's their problem not mine.
I have found new friendships with the bereavement support group I started with a year ago. We still meet up and when we're together it's the only time I feel normal and can be myself. I go out and do things on my own,cycling' keep fit, local theatre plays,  I hadn't realised not everyone finds that easy.
I don't have close family,   other than my brother in Australia who rings me every week and one cousin who I 'talk' with via Facebook private messages.
For you Karena I think you said you're  5 years 'in' ? Maybe I'll feel the same by then

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Question
« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2016, 12:29:20 PM »
I think sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to change friends. Sometimes we think we should keep them forever, but when something changes us or even as we just grow over time, we sometimes no longer have things in common anymore.  On occasion we need to accept that, move on, being grateful for the memories and good times (doesn't make them bad, just means time has changed) 

The only issue is when we withdraw from people completely,  as we need interaction to be healthy/happy. And that level of interaction can be different for each person, some need alot of company, some just need a couple of good friends

Reminds me of the saying/poem, which goes along the lines of some people come into our life for a lifetime, a season or a reason.  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Rosaleen

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Re: Question
« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2016, 05:02:13 PM »
When I said I only feel "normal" when I'm with others from the support group I SHOULD have said I also felt the same when I went on the Bristol meet.
Thanks for what you said  Emma, especially the last line

Offline Hubby

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Re: Question
« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2016, 11:04:58 PM »
i don't really have any close friends. Margaret was all I needed.

God I feel lonely now.  :cry:

Offline Deb63

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Re: Question
« Reply #12 on: December 30, 2016, 02:56:47 PM »
Avoiding is what i do, i have no friends and my children try to involve me in things but i have no lust for life.
Sometimes the constant wearing of the 'mask' becomes tiring and hard...my lonliness is the worst ever :(