Nearly a year

[Twinkle]

So Mum died August 21 2017, it still hurts so so much, but I live with it to a certain extent,  I look on this forum often, desperate to be able to offer some words of comfort to someone, but I can't, nearly a year on,my heart hurts all the time,  life, and I will never be the same again, never, I try to move on, not that I like that expression, but I plan with  my husband to do something, go the coast  Sandringham,  the day comes and  I can't, the pang of Mum not being there to say what happens just overwhelms me, Mum died on 21, Dad died on 22 August, 25 years earlier, already I do not want to deal with those two days,  I know compared to some ( as I keep being told, loss of a parent is expected ) on here I have not suffered as much, but his the hell do you cope when your Mum has gone, when you took care of her for years,  who was your world, after your Dad died, how do you begin to do stuff to make you happy if it just reminds you so much of her.

Sorry

[Emz2014]

Hi Twinkle, sorry for delay replying - I have been trying to get my thoughts together and in writing in a way that would make sense!
I am conscious that I don't want to scare anyone who is at the beginning of this rollercoaster journey.  For me, the second year brought its own challenges.  There is an unwritten/unspecified belief that grief/bereavement lasts a year and then at the end of it everything is fine (and some people think all is fine after the funeral).  Also as humans we are naturally wired to want to avoid painful things/feelings and to escape them asap.  It's not comfortable having to take the rollercoaster journey
Grief (in the main) is not brief - and also, grief will vary widely for people as it is a very personal journey with many unique factors personal to you.  That being said, there is a lot of phases that people will go through/identify with and many similarities/'trends'

The human mind doesn't really seem to remember past details that well. For example, we often feel we are making no progress at all on the grief journey, perhaps a few months in we are questioning why we are still in so much pain.  But this is where a diary can really help - as the days pass there are subtle changes, things we don't really notice which gradually (naturally) become our new normal/benchmark - so, when we are not noticing the changes it feels like we have not moved at all.  Sometimes it is extremely slow. Some members here have found it helpful to start a thread which they write in daily and are often very surprised to see the contrast when they read back over their posts later on.  Looking back at my diary I can see the changes happening and that helped me to keep moving forward on my journey. For example, the grief rollercoaster is extremely painful, but I can see that as I have moved along it the pain levels have changed/differed.  Right at the beginning I could feel my pain as a physical pain, later on in the first year it is still painful but a different type of painful.  This is why I am always cautious to say to people that the journey takes years, as people will often (naturally) project forward their current level of pain - but that is not what happens, it does change - gradually (and I know this phrase really grates at the beginning) time helps us to heal

I don't think we ever 'get over' them, or 'move on'.  I think those terms are often used as a hope/desire that the pain will end and by people who feel discomfort from seeing discomfort and not being able to change it.  I think, like the circle diagram previously shared (I will see if I can find it), the space our loved one leaves is not filled, it stays with us but it gradually becomes less painful and we build our lives up around that space.

I was trying to find words to describe my second year.  I did a lot of reading/searching for answers in my second year, I was still hurting and I had lost 'me', it was a scary and confusing time. I reacted in ways I didn't recognise as me and didn't know how to ever find 'me' again.  You wonder if anything will ever get better, but I can promise you it will. I found a lot of comfort from some of the buddhism point of view (I'm not religious in one way, I have combined different things for my own belief that helps me)  It is now 5 years for me for my most recent loss of losing my dad and yes, there will be times when it hurts and I miss him/think of him every day but it is a different feeling to those earlier years.  In my 3rd year I found some direction/purpose to drive meaningfully towards.

Interestingly, as I drove back from seeing my sister this morning I put on an old favourite album. One that has gotten me through some very hard/dark times before, one that I instinctively remember all the words to.  And this song I feel would sum up my 2nd year

Crawling - by Linkin Park  (it repeats some chorus etc, so have only copied part of the lyrics)
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling
I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced
That there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced
That there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

For me, I have found music to be really powerful 'therapy' for myself over the years  - As a way of healing/getting stronger I made several playlists on my mp3 which matched different moods (whether I needed to be cheered up, boost my energy, calm me down etc) and that has been so helpful. I find listening (and sometimes singing along) to songs really helps me.  Whether it is songs which identify with how I am feeling or songs that help change my focus.

What did you do before to be calming/comforting? 

I do things now that I would have done with my dad and (this is hard to explain) take him with me - do it in his memory, living those moments that he would be proud of and I could imagine the conversations we would have about it.  A poem which helped me is:

As I sit in heaven
and watch you every day
I try to let you know with signs
I never went away
I hear you when you're laughing
and watch you as you sleep
I even place my arms around you
to calm you as you weep
I see you wish the days away
Begging to have me home
So I try to send you signs
so you know you are not alone
Don't feel guilty that you have
life that was denied to me
Heaven is truly beautiful
just you wait and see
So live your live, laugh again
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I will know with every breath you take
you'll be taking one for me

All of this is from my personal journey and beliefs, maybe in your second year you can explore and find yours?  I know my dad would want me to do my best and get out there and do stuff so I do things to make him proud.  If I go to a beach, I may decorate a pebble and send it into the sea for him, a gesture that in spirit he is with me and I am thinking of him.  But at the beginning it was such a hard, difficult, dark journey.  Be gentle with yourself

Sorry for the ever such a long message - I guess I had more thoughts to share than I realised. I hope some of it may be helpful to you, but keep talking, it does help  xx

[Twinkle]

Thank you for those words, I am sorry your Dad died, when mine died when I was 25 it rocked my world, but having Mum to care for helped.

I agree, I didn't want to scare anyone  who may read my post, by implying things were that bad so far in,but I had to write something.

You are exactly right about the human mind not remembering things that well I think it does it to protect us, I kept a written diary after Mum died, and the raw grief and pain I felt at the beginning is certainly not prevelant all the time now, grief truly does effect everyone differently, but like you, I believe we all go through stages, I can smile about Mum a lot now,but when I do I still think of my loss, it's all consuming and I usually have a real sob and then carry on.

I am 100% in agreement with you about moving on, Mum is still as much a part of my thoughts as she always was, which is why, I suspect, I am really struggling with going out for days etc as she was always wanting to see pics and hear about it, I was introduced to continuing bonds on this site, and it really helps, I try to let her still be in my life, I acknowledge her birthdays etc ,not in the way I would like, but in a way that's keeps our relationship going

I understand completely the struggle to find yourself, I am too, a bereavement counsellor told me, that for most people, especially girls, when they lose their Mum they will never be the same person again, like I said, after Dad died I had to take care of Mum, and now, so show I need to find myself, yet I know in my heart I am not ready so I just keep doing baby steps everyday.

Those lyrics describe me too a tee   at the minute, and the poem I love, I have it on my phone, and look at it every time I struggle,

I used to enjoy my garden,reading chilling watching telly etc but I get no comfort from them at the moment,I tend to spend my life at home sitting on kitchen floor and I don't know why...

You are right, I know Mum woukdcwant me to live a full and happy life, and I try too, but a lot of me is always thinking I am not ready yet, and I know I am not,  I do not listen to music much, when I do it's either Mums songs, including the ones at her funeral, or my 80s mix so that doesn't help.

I do not expect to be feeling better just because a year will soon be up, I am so grateful four reply and that someone does understand, I will learn to live a life that does not have Mum and Dads physical presence in it am sure, but at the moment it's just so hard.

Once again Thank You