Author Topic: That first Christmas  (Read 111 times)

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Offline Maria66

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That first Christmas
« on: November 26, 2017, 06:15:49 AM »
Dreading my first xmas without my beloved husband. If i had kids it would be easier i think but i am on my own with my dog and 2 cats. Yes i will have family pop in, also one daughter did invite me to their house, but they never invited me before and i find all their dogs a bit much to cope with.  It would mean me leaving my pooch on her own, and she is grieving too, and doesn't like me to leave her at the moment.

I have brought hubby home now he is in the conservatory where he loved to sit, and i just bought a mini xmas tree which i will decorate.  Its so hard a i just got over loosing my mum and the last xmas was without her for the first time.

Any tips on how to survive the first one without a hubby? 

Offline Emz2014

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Re: That first Christmas
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2017, 09:55:34 AM »
It is a challenging time, especially as we can't avoid Christmassy things from around October. 
I think it's great you've got a mini tree. For me I have items I put on my tree to remember my dad - last year I made feathers out of clay, I found the process relaxing too
I can't think of specific advice, but I know Karena will have some words of wisdom.  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline quietstorm

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Re: That first Christmas
« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2017, 12:05:55 AM »
 Hello Maria66
Iím in a similar position to you and Iím already dreading this Xmas. Its almost 9 months since I saw my steve. He died very suddenly at work. Like everyone here Iíve been through so many emotions. Now Iím just deeply sad and very aware that heís never coming home again even though Iíve had weeks of Ďwaitingí  :cray:
Iíve lost all my family apart from my son and he wants me to go and spend Xmas there with him, his partner and their new baby. I will spend some time there but his two dogs scare my little frenchie girl who steve and I love/loved so much. I know it will be stressful but Iím so grateful for still having my son that I will try hard to make it special for them all but inside I will be crying. Nothing will ever be the same.
Iím not putting my tree up this year or baking any mince pies as steve loved them and I really canít face it.
Iím sorry I have no tips as itís a first for me too. Iím keeping you in my thoughts.
There are some lovely people here who will help you.
I donít come here very often but popped in tonight and Iím sending you  :hug: xx

Offline Maria66

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Re: That first Christmas
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2017, 04:59:37 AM »
Morning hun, we will be together then supporting each other.  Did the find out why you lost your Steve?  I am still waiting for autopsy we had one which was not conclusive so they had to send off for loads of tests which take six to 8 weeks, well the 8 weeks is up next week.  He had COPD for years and we thought it was pneumonia suddenly but the doctor on duty wouldnt sign him off so the saga began, now they think it was asbestos death.

My daughter younger one said she will cook lunch and bring it to me and the 2 grand boys will come too they are 14 and 19.   That way i wont be on my own although i want to be, she insists it isnt good for me.  I dont have the strength to fight to be honest. I have MS as well so being disabled and loosing my soul mate it has made it all worse.

I hope you get through your first xmas the best way you can. He will be with you hun, i feel Mike all the time.   The baby will give you a little boost a new life and a new beginning.   Babies have wonderful healing power for us nans. 

big hugs. Maria. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :hug:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: That first Christmas
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2017, 07:43:57 AM »
We do have the group live chat room - perhaps that's a way you could potentially support each other, at a certain time log on and be able to chat to each other (and others) in real time. A virtual gathering  :hearts:  xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline quietstorm

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Re: That first Christmas
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2017, 08:52:46 PM »
Hello Maria thank you for your reply. Itís so sad for us all to be in this awful position I just canít get used to it at all.
Iím so sorry and I know just how it feels to lose your soul mate :cray:
Itís dreadful waiting for post Mortem results I felt sick with it all. Steve died suddenly while working in some ones house ( he was a decorator ) paramedics and air ambulance attended but he couldnít be revived.
It was a sub arachnoid haemorrhage. His only warning was a headache a couple of weeks before which he put down to eye strain, took some paracetamol and that was it.
I still relive the police knocking my door that Monday afternoon.
Sending you a warm  :hug:
Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing we didnít have to go through this.
Thinking of you and everyone here this Christmas without their loved ones
Lots of love to you Maria xxx

Offline quietstorm

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Re: That first Christmas
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2017, 08:55:46 PM »
Thank you Emz2014 thatís a nice idea. Iím not very good on forums or chat rooms lol but may just try that  :hug:xx

Offline Emz2014

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Re: That first Christmas
« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2017, 07:56:26 AM »
I don't tend to go in there, but it all seems straight forward. I believe there is a link to it on the homepage.  I know some of the people who do go in there and they are lovely, and they'd be supportive if you get stuck atall xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Maria66

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Re: That first Christmas
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2017, 05:39:48 AM »
Hello Maria thank you for your reply. Itís so sad for us all to be in this awful position I just canít get used to it at all.
Iím so sorry and I know just how it feels to lose your soul mate :cray:
Itís dreadful waiting for post Mortem results I felt sick with it all. Steve died suddenly while working in some ones house ( he was a decorator ) paramedics and air ambulance attended but he couldnít be revived.
It was a sub arachnoid haemorrhage. His only warning was a headache a couple of weeks before which he put down to eye strain, took some paracetamol and that was it.
I still relive the police knocking my door that Monday afternoon.
Sending you a warm  :hug:
Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing we didnít have to go through this.
Thinking of you and everyone here this Christmas without their loved ones
Lots of love to you Maria xxx

Hi how sad but in a way at least you beloved didnt suffer even if he left you in such an awful way, he was saved any suffering in his passing.

I am trying to get there and deal with it day by day, but i seem to have developed anxiety issues now and dealing with the attacks on my own is hard going but i try and do something to divert them. 

I am not having xmas lunch with anyone i put my foot down. I am going to have boxing day with my daughter in my home with the grandchildren and we will just have a cold buffet.

I received my ring from Ashes to Glass the other day and some how it has really comforted me wearing it.

Still no news but the coroner told me they may not hear anything until just before the inquest in March, so i have decided its no point in worrying about it, ihave to just get on with it, either way he left us, and I know he didnt want too, as he told my step son, his only regret from ever dying would be he would miss me, so i keep that thought.  Little did he know how much i would miss him.

I have now got in action a memorial bench for him. Our local council have agreed to it, and we are just sorting out where it will go, i cant wait to see it finally and be able to sit there and just be able to think about him, and the people in our small town can do the same as so many people loved Mike he was a special guy.

Sending you massive hugs and kisses.  I would try the chat room but with my MS i tend to be off the computer and resting from 4pm.

 :hug:  MARIA. xxxxxxxx

Offline Karena

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Re: That first Christmas
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2017, 01:31:39 PM »
Sorry I have not got back too you sooner I have been abroad sans internet.
Christmas is very difficult especially that first one.I think it is important to remember our children have lost a parent and inviting us is their way of trying to not only show their love and concern for us,but also this is a first for them too,so they are also feeling their way in the dark,wondering how to cope with this.I understand the problem with the dogs though,but perhaps you could just go for a couple of hours or so,if not for yourself then for them.
My mum started a new tradition of Xmas breakfast after my stepfather died,so a couple of hours of mayhem and presents,then the rest of the day the peace she wanted.It would mean you don't have to leave your dog and they can leave theirs at home for a while.We all overeat on Xmas day so perhaps cooked breakfast would be too much,but maybe something lighter,my mum did pancakes with a choice of fillings.
Year one on my own I looked into volunteering at a homeless shelter where they do Xmas dinners,Unfortunately there isn't one near enough and I didn't have transport,so I did just go along with the children and in reality the day wasn't as bad as I anticipated, but in both cases i had decided if i wasnt going to enjoy it for myself then i would do my best to make it better for others.
By year two I had got it more together,and started my own new tradition of decorating an outside tree with bird treats.Something the grandkids enjoy and the parents get a child free day to prepare wrap presents etc.There are of course treats for the kids,hot chocolate,toasting t cakes on the stove with a toasting fork being allowed to climb the tree to hang the treats.stringing popcorn and making xmas shaped fatballs for the birds has merits for all ages.On the day itself I go for lunch and open presents and come home.Other than that I don't do Xmas anymore,but I adopted some more traditional rituals.My decorations are real holly and ivy, and lightcatchers to mark the letting in of the light of the coming year,one thing about this is that a new year and the days actually starting to slowly get lighter again.a handful of cards homemade for new year and select people.( I have never had to write just my name in a Xmas card I just don't do them anymore)
So I have kind of taken myself out of Xmas,it is no longer my celebration but one I can be just a guest at,if that makes sense,it has taken the sting out of the tail somehow,but without self sacrifice too because I do now think in terms of new beginnings rather than the end of the year.
On new years eve.i light the firepit if its not raining,wrap up warm and sit outside with a hot toddy,and light a candle for my husband to demonstrate that as I move into the coming year so he moves with me.(also doable indoors if bad weather) but just me and him under the stars being quiet is the idea,pretty much how we spent new years eve when he was alive.

PS
I took part in a lovely Xmas idea this week in ZA There is a tree in a shopping mall with labels on and on each label is the name and age of a child in poverty.You take a label buy a gift for the child then attach the label and leave under the tree.Its really nice shopping for a child you will never meet, but knowing it will give them pleasure and the suggestion is 4 items,something you want something you need something to wear,something to read is perhaps a nice idea for kids from all walks of life,but anyway it has given me an idea  for the UK.local shopping centre and names from local food bank maybe for distribution.( no surnames or other ID public ) so maybe a way I might re engage next year if I can get the right people together and organise it at local level maybe it could take off.

Offline Maria66

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Re: That first Christmas
« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2017, 01:57:24 PM »
hi thank you for reply just a quick note though. My children are 43 and 46 and they are not his. However, we have spoken and we are having boxing day together. xx

Offline Maria66

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Re: That first Christmas
« Reply #11 on: December 14, 2017, 04:27:56 AM »
Sorry karena for my quick reply it was just is saw notification on my email and it was just about my time to go to bed. I go at 5pm and i am never on internet after that. I have to rest.

Your ideas are lovely about how to get through xmas. 

I have spoken to my girls and we have now decided on boxing day (we do in UK), WE will have a nice cold lunch together a little buffet in my house. You see my issue isnt just my bereavement but i have multiple sclerosis as well and going out for me without the bereavement is pretty hard work, and adding my husbands death and last year my beleoved mother i just cant do it. Physically.

I love the idea of the tree and i am going to suggest it to our local council obviously not for this year but next year.

Things have happened since my husband died, i have lost two friends, and my brother has just had a stroke, so its all ongoing and I wonder if next year will be better.

ANY WAY thank you for taking the time to answer and MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :candle: