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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Guilt and pain
« Last post by Emz2014 on November 23, 2017, 07:57:49 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
Hope it helps to be able to talk with us here xx
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Guilt and pain
« Last post by Karena on November 23, 2017, 03:11:05 PM »
 :hug:welcome too the forum.Your English is very good so no worries there.
Not every one has a perfect relationship with parents,and being beaten as a child was never going to make things better.Perhaps there were reasons she did that and her later depression could be a big clue for that reason -perhaps undiagnosed and untreated post natal depression leading to further bouts of depression later.Un -noticed by others, and as a child how could you possibly have known that. your mum might also have not known this herself -also i dont know how old you are now -but she died from a brain tumour so perhaps even back then it was affecting her behaviour, - again without anyone realising.

So why didnt she write. -when you have depression quite often you will turn it in on yourself,and consider yourself not worthy of being loved by another person and that they will be better off without you so better for them if they dont know you - in that dark little world that your brain becomes all thoughts are negative. -so maybe this is why, alongside the guilt of having beaten you but this was not through lack of love for you, but lack of love for herself.
Also maybe the tumour was affecting her physical ability to write.

But coming to you now grief is a strange journey and feeling guilt is something that happens a lot, also we do take that grief out of proportion and make ourselves into something worse than we actually are.Which one of us didnt do or say  horribble things when we were 14, i am sure i did and in my case there was no justifiable reason -i wasnt beaten by my mum, i was rebelling as almost all teenagers do.I think for you perhaps it went on for longer -but that doesnt make you a bad or selfish person.What you have written actually proves that -A selfish horrible person wouldnt feel such guilt as you do now they would not feel any guilt at all.So i dont think you are a bad person, perhaps you made mistakes and when you were younger so did your mum,everyone makes mistakes.

Please dont be afraid to ask for help,perhaps things would have been different with your life if your mum was able to do that - If you are in the UK now and have a GP then that is a starting point.
We are not professional councillors but as a daughter and a mother i want to reassure you that we do fall out, we do say terrible things,it doesnt mean we dont also love each other,or that we are bad people, life is not so black and white.
You are not the only person who feels this way and you are not alone. Grief affects us whether we had a good or bad relationship with the person who dies, with a bad relationship it is often grief for what could have been too. One thing that has been sugested in the past is that you write a letter too -the person you lost. to express everything you want to say -including anger and guilt but also seeking and giving forgiveness. You can burn the letter after or keep it but try and see it as a new chapter, grieve but forgive her and forgive yourself.

The starting point is this.
You are not a bad person and you are worth better than you have had in life so far.
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Guilt and pain
« Last post by Sarahx on November 22, 2017, 11:06:06 PM »
Hello You All

My name is Sarah..I donít know how to start. English is not my first language so sorry for my mistakes. I lost my mother in September, she died because of brain tumor.. It was very suprising Ė she has never told me it was so serious, she probably hasnít know it too. Her illness must have started about 1, 5 years ago. I carry enormous weight of guilt. Everyday something reminds me her and how badly I treated her. She beat me when I was a kid and since I was 14 I did  bad things  to take a revenge for it. I am such a selfish person. I was telling to her so many bad things, I kept saying that I will leave her and while she was crying in front of me I couldnít have stopped. I was always angry at myself for that but I know it doesnít justify how horrible I was. I will never forget myself how bad, aggresive I was, i think i may be sick, no one treats this way parents. I moved this year in February abroad. And she started feeling worse ( she had depression 4 years). I havenít visited her , didnít send her messages very often.She didnít write to me- why???? I dreamt she will die and I came to visit her.She looked horrible. I didnít suppose anything Ė why?????  I left her and 2 weeks later she landed at the hospital for 7 days in coma and died.Day before her death at the hospital I took drugs at night, and I was too late, wasnít there on time. You can tell me how bad I was. I know it already. If someone understands at least a littleÖ.may I have a chat? Questions are part of my life now
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Loss of son
« Last post by Emz2014 on November 22, 2017, 10:31:41 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
It's a rollercoaster journey,  and blaming ourselves is a very normal part of grief - even though we aren't to blame.
Keep talking with people, that certainly helps and my main advice would be take everything a step at a time. Take things a day at a time and on bad days an hour by hour if needed. It's a hard journey but you're not alone on it xx
Hi Kate

Sorry only just replied and thank you so much for the message of support.
Am so sorry to hear of the loss of your dad also to copd. Your right it was nice to see my mum much more positive and happier the time I spent with her in her last few months.
I have struggled with the loss of missing her so much and of memories of how at times she did suffer as I'm sure you do of your dad but I hope in time that this pain becomes less and we can carry on and live our lives as they would have wanted. I hope you are managing okay under the circumstances.

Take care and hope your day was not too bad.

Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Loss of son
« Last post by Honor on November 22, 2017, 07:05:49 PM »
Lost my son suddenly on Mother's Day,I was with him and I feel still in shock!  I blame myself so much,even though everyone tells me it wasn't my fault but he is my son and it's the. 'If only' I should of done this or that, please someone tell me how to just cope with this,it's affecting me emotionally and physically,it hurts tooooo much!  Thankyou
it sounds as though your subconscious is prompting you through dreams,that maybe you worry things wernt said,but the dream is telling you to recognise that you dont need too because some things you just know -he knew you loved him.Also when you see him, even though you know he isnt there,again the positive message is that he will always be with you in some way. :hug:
General Discussion / Re: Charm87
« Last post by Karena on November 22, 2017, 12:31:11 PM »
It sounds like you could have delayed grief,perhaps getting madly busy and saying you are allright when you really arnt, we kid ourselves that we have moved on sometimes when we havnt.Hopefully the counselling will help.
General Discussion / Re: Charm87
« Last post by Charm87 on November 22, 2017, 08:36:33 AM »
I went to see my doctor on Friday he put me on sertraline and refered me to counselling. I still break down and cry after 17 years is this normal??
General Discussion / Re: Charm87
« Last post by Emz2014 on November 22, 2017, 07:30:33 AM »
Have you spoken to your Dr?  Perhaps counselling could help you work through your emotions xx
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