Author Topic: Both parents gone - life is very complicated and lonely  (Read 2962 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline DizzyWelly

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Karma: +0/-0
Both parents gone - life is very complicated and lonely
« on: September 18, 2017, 12:40:15 PM »
I'm not sure where to start with this post....things are very complex....but here we go

I'm 40 years old and my Dad passed away 2 days before Christmas last year (2016) after 3 strokes in 2 years and the onset of dementia. He was 74.

My mum died 21 years ago (1996) when I was 19 of Ovarian cancer after 2 years of illness. She was 53.

I have one remaining relative from my birth family, my only cousin, lives in the US. I won't see him for years at time and only make contact occasionally via FB. All my birth family are dead; grandparents, aunts/ uncles, I have no siblings and now both my parents are gone.

I have been completely overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness these last 9 months, I have been trying to fight against getting lower and lower but it's getting harder. I have a husband and a 10 year old daughter (and in-laws), but it's just not the same. I can't shake this feeling of isolation and loss of my life pre-40, the past is gone. I feel resentful of my husband, both his parents are in their mid-60s; heathy, happy, active.....actually I feel resentful of everybody who still have parents with them, grandparents to their children - and just seeing older couples out on the street, enjoying life, makes me so sad and also so angry.

My relationship with my parents and indeed their relationship will each other was complicated. My mum was a serial adulterer. She had affairs before I was born and affairs right until the end. She left my Dad and I in debt, much of which didn't surface until after her death. She wasn't the person I thought she was and I was angry for many many years - I didn't visit her grave for almost 10 years and only managed to have a picture of her in the house about a year ago, when Dad was very ill. Despite my Mum's deceit for all those years, he always loved her, my Dad was left broken after my Mum's death, he cried at her bedside - I comforted him and put my grief aside. At 19 I grew up (my friends always joked that I was 19 going on 39!), but I had to keep Dad going. He and I looked out for each other for the next 20 years, we rarely spoke about Mum and didn't have any support at the time. He was my only parent for more than half my life and I grew to love him very much.

I say 'grew' to love him as my Dad was very difficult to grow up with. He had an obsessive hobby (model aerobatic aeroplanes), he was good and well respected at what he did, but my entire childhood was spent in pursuit of his obsession. Every weekend, all year, every year across the country at a different aerodrome or airfield. I didn't see him most weekends or evenings. My mum (for some time) was involved too, so my childhood consisted of mostly being alone. Making my own entertainment and being my own company. My Dad also had very high often unrealistic expectations and demanded perfection. So many rows, feelings of guilt and being a disappointment; and I've only just realised recently (after a handful of counselling sessions) I've had very little control of what happens in my life, I was very dictated to by my Dad. What he said went, I wouldn't go against him - even things that I thought were my choice or idea ultimately weren't.

My Dad re-married about 15 years ago. My relationship with my step-mum has always been ok, she seemed kind and decent. My dad loved her very much and I acknowledge that she made his life happy after many years of unhappiness with my Mum. My step-mum was my Dad's 24/7 carer at the end of his life. In his muddled stroke/ dementia mind, he became obsessed with her - his angel, his only love, 'I'd be dead if it wasn't for her', it became pretty galling on visits with the repetition of his obsession with her. My step-mums family - who seemed to have come into some money - started buying expensive items, new lightweight wheelchair, laptop, exercise bike - none of which I could afford. I could only be there, and I felt so inadequate and insufficient. I was very badly treated and sideline immediately after my Dad's death. I had barely any involvement in any arrangements or sorting out of his affairs. My step-mum and her daughter took over everything my step-mum was so consumed by grief she would not involve me, despite my asking over and over I was told there was nothing I could do.

I found out on the day of my Dad's death that he had changed his will following his 1st stroke and when he had dementia. I thought I knew the terms but I was told by my step-mum that it was different. I can't go into all detail on here obviously, but at this moment in time I have nothing from either of my parents. My step-mum inherited all cash assets and can live in the house as long as she chooses. I will inherit a % of the house should it be sold but that will be dependent on what my step-mum chooses to do. I have wondered these last months whether he had the capacity to be making these changes and I'm not sure I did the right thing letting everything progress through probate.

I'm struggling with everything at the moment, I am overwhelmed by this feeling of 'waiting', loneliness and the need for closure. Most people when both their parents have passed, settle the estate, sell the house (if they choose), claim their inheritance, have their family to support them and grieve for their parents; there is some closure. My family home is being lived in and I have to keep going back, but my Mum and Dad aren't there, it's not my home. It's my inheritance and entitlement, my parents paid for the house, I grew up there, but I can't have it. My husband and daughter support me but it's not the same. I am not being given the opportunity to close one chapter and start another. I can't grieve for both my parents and start to heal, it's so hard.

My mind is so consumed with everything; feeling the need to grieve both my parents (21 years late for Mum) but not knowing how and not being able to do the things I need to be able to grieve, the house and the inheritance, my relationship with my step-mum (which is pretty much non-existent now), the past and the struggles I had with both my parents (so many mixed emotions about them both), resentment and anger - why me, why am I alone and my self esteem; I feel worthless. I am struggling to be a good wife, mum, employee, friend, home-maker - everything. And in amongst all of that I have no clue who I am. And I'm not sure what to do. I am also starting to fear for my own health - with Mum dying at 53 and Dad at 74, I'm scared I don't have very long and I need to live my life to the full.

So sorry, this has turned out to be a mammoth post - I don't know if  anyone will read to the end.
But I do hope that at least I might be able to find some company and support here.

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Both parents gone - life is very complicated and lonely
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2017, 10:15:59 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
So sorry to hear all you've been struggling through - it's hard to cope with your parents illnesses and added complications with your step mum.  Losing parents does feel like the foundations are totally ripped up, it takes time to find our feet again.  Its a rollercoaster journey, I hope you find some comfort here. People understand here  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline DizzyWelly

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Both parents gone - life is very complicated and lonely
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2017, 10:26:10 AM »
Thanks for your message. After another sleepless night, too many glasses of wine and not feeling able to focus on anything I have decided to go to see my GP. I'm not sure what he can do and I'm not sure if time off work or time away from the daily demands is the answer. I just know that I can't keep just surviving from one day to the next. I want to feel in control again - I'm so exhausted with struggling

Offline Scared1

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 40
  • Karma: +2/-0
Re: Both parents gone - life is very complicated and lonely
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2017, 01:43:22 PM »
Hi Dizzywelly
I am so sorry for your losses. I really understand a lot of what you're saying, all my close relatives have passed away now too and the feelings of loneliness and so many other sad emotions are at times (actually most of the time)  unbearable. At times i feel like a lost child again not an adult of nearly 40. I think it's great you're going to see your GP,  I hope they help and are understanding and it's great to keep posting on here if you can  :hearts: xx

Offline DizzyWelly

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Both parents gone - life is very complicated and lonely
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2017, 08:51:38 AM »
Thanks for your message Scared1.

You are absolutely right, it is like being a lost child. I read one article on the web recently where a lady in her 30's described herself as being an orphan. It was something that had never really occurred to me until Dad passed away and I couldn't understand why I had such a all consuming feeling of loneliness.

I know that whether your parents pass when you are 9 or 69 the hole that is left in your life and heart is unfillable; but I guess when you are 40 (or nearly 40 you say) you still need them to be more practically involved in your life and with you to support you emotionally. My daughter is 10, and I know I'm still making mistakes and wondering some days (as a parent) what to do; my Dad could say 'oh I remember you were just like that as a child and we did XXXX' or just say "it's ok, she'll get through it - keep going!" but now there's no one. My mum missed so much of my life - first job, boyfriend (now my hubby), wedding, first house, grand children and her not being there has been so painful. I suffered with PND after my daughter was born and I was told, after the fact, that I was higher risk not having my mum around as new mum's can rely heavily on their own mums for practical and emotional support when they first have a baby, which I didn't have.

I am so sorry to hear that you are in a similar position - do you have any of your birthday family still? How do you cope on those days when you feel so alone and all you have are pictures?


Offline Scared1

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 40
  • Karma: +2/-0
Re: Both parents gone - life is very complicated and lonely
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2017, 01:43:35 PM »
Yes it's so hard when you no longer have anyone who remembers things you did when you was younger and losing the person / people who gave great advice and support.

I have a couple of blood relations but no one I'm close to. I honestly do not know how I'm coping,  well I'm not really, everything makes me upset. I start counselling tomorrow and I'm planning on going to a cruse bereavement group meeting the day after, I'm not one usually for joining groups at all, but I feel like I should give it a try.
I'm sorry to hear you had PND and I can totally understand why people who do not have their Mums around would be a higher risk. I have had a lot of problems with depression and anxiety throughout my adult life because I lost my mum young too (as well as other things).
If you've been to the GP yet I hope they were kind, helpful and supportive  :hearts:

Offline Kelly

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Both parents gone - life is very complicated and lonely
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2017, 12:48:58 PM »
Hi Dizzywelly, just wanted to connect, say hello. Just joined this forum, am too recent-ish orphan and only child, single mummy too. There aren't many of us x sending love

Offline Annie123

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Both parents gone - life is very complicated and lonely
« Reply #7 on: October 02, 2017, 11:58:24 PM »
Hi DizzyWelly
Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and sending you my love and good wishes.  My mum died nearly 7 weeks ago (she brought me up single handed), and my dad (who I only met when I was 24!) died about 13 years ago.  So the orphan thing I totally get.  I have this fear of forgetting things about my mum as I now don't have anyone of that generation to check with.  I do have siblings but am not close at all with my sisters although I am quite close to my brother.  Like you, I'm finding I feel so low but then get consumed with feelings of guilt as I am not helping my daughters (14 and 19).  I do hope you found the doctor supportive and helpful.  Scared1, I saw that you were going to start counselling - hope that went well.  My doctor did advise I contact CRUSE but I'm worried about it.
Sending love to all of you on this thread who find themselves in this terrible situation