welcome Jayne - i cant begin to imagine the hell you are going through losing two children - but i have been widowed twice and i understand the feeling of not being able to face going through this journey again,One of the things i found was that although i thought it would be the same it wasnt - some things were worse others easier if its possible for anything about this to be easier.But 7 years on i am in a much better place -somehow we do get the strength to do it again.being here helped a lot the second time there was no-where like this the first time - so i hope we can help you in the way others helped me.