Hello, I'm new

[Flicky]

I've been reading posts for a while now and have finally plucked up the courage to leave one of my own.  It's a long one as I've been writing it for weeks.

I'm 50 and my dad died in June 2015, two weeks after being diagnosed with cancer.  None of us (my dad, mum, sister or me) had any real idea that he was ill.  He had been visiting the doctor fairly regularly but nothing was found so the diagnosis was a shock to us all.  It started in his pancreas and spread to several other parts of his body including his lungs where it was eventually picked up.  There was nothing the doctors could do for him.  He died at home and his last day was not pleasant - it was relatively peaceful at the very end but the hours leading up to it were traumatic and deeply upsetting.

My initial feeling, which ended up lasting for some time, was guilt at not being able to summon up any emotion about losing my dad.  I guess I was in shock as everything happened so quickly and it took a long time to sink in.  I still feel numb.  I haven't cried properly and didn't cry at the funeral as all effort went into supporting mum and getting her through the day.  I'm not even feeling any emotion while I'm writing this.  I lost 8 months of my life in a fog of grief and bewilderment and was signed off work for 3 weeks after the funeral as I just couldn't cope with life how it was and with my job.  I was told by a neighbour that she woke up one morning a year after her mum died and finally felt ok about things - not over it or anything like that, just feeling better in herself.  I didn't believe her, but that day came for me in February this year.  I guess that was acceptance and deciding that life has to go on, however difficult that might be.

I completely understand comments from adult children re being constantly asked about the parent left behind, but not being asked how I am.  It seems like other people think that I've not been affected by dad's death or that because I was only his daughter somehow it isn't so bad for me as it is for mum.  It is as bad, but its a different bad, if you get what I mean.  Hardly anyone, apart from the neighbour mentioned before, has asked how I am getting on - it's still "how's your mum doing?" and that's it.

I can't/don't want to talk about things with mum, my sister or partner as they were all there when dad died and I can't really see the point in going over it all with them.  I had 3 sessions of Cruse counselling after six long months but it was no good as it came far too late and wasn't for me.   Maybe it was the wrong kind of counselling, I don't know, but sitting there in front of somebody and being expected to pour out my feelings made me feel really uncomfotable.  I just needed to know in the early weeks and months that what I was feeling (or not feeling) was normal.  Since finding this forum I have realised that it was all normal and I wish I'd discovered it sooner as I would have gained so much reassurance.

Time does help but it hasn't got consistently better and better over the last 13 months.  I had been feeling quite positive but in the last few days I have gone back down again - very low mood and no enthusiasm for life or work.  I'm trying to be positive at home but its difficult.  We've got two new dogs but I'm not as happy about that as I should be.  I think the brick wall I built up around myself last June is starting to fall down and I need to deal properly with how I am feeling.

Sorry for the ramble - its been a while in the making.

[Julie Magson]

Hello Flicky- so glad you found us and now feel able to write about your grief. I remember when my Dad died I had to be strong for my Mum and never really got the chance to grieve properly, and, like you everything was focused on the surviving parent but not so much the children. It sounds to me like you didn't get the chance to grieve properly at the time and you are experiencing some of the 'normal' things about bereavement now. These things can come over us at any time (lost my hubby 12 weeks ago) and I really hope that writing down your emotions on here will help you to realise that it is normal. I hope you get the courage to talk to your family about things, you never know, they might be feeling the exact same way. The worst that can happen is that you all end up crying together and that wouldn't be a bad thing. You need to let your feelings out, I'm no expert apart from being bereaved but that is just the feel I get from your post. Keep writing won't you? 

[Hubby]

Hi Flicky. Sorry to hear if your loss.

I recently lost my wife and relied heavily on my two daughters to get me through the early days.  They stepped up to the plate and I will be eternally grateful to them for it. It has however been very easy for me to concentrate on my own grief and forget that they are grieving for their mother. They put on such a strong front. The mask has slipped occasionally but quickly been put back on. I only wish I could do more to help them but I guess they worry too much about upsetting me to let me see how upset they are.

Perhaps you are the same. You wear your mask so well people don't feel the need to ask how you are. Only you know the grief you are hiding.

There is no normal in grieving. We may go through similar feelings and experiences but we all grieve differently even if we are grieving for the same person. However we do it is our 'normal' way of grieving. We can even delay it to an extent but we must do it or we are just storing problems.

Talk to your family about how you feel let someone else be the strong one.

Take care.

 

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug 

After my dad died I took on the strong role of the family. Something that is very hard to let go of,  or let the mask slip.  Even though my sister and I are close she's only really seen me cry once since the early days and I think that caught her by surprise

I was lucky that I found this forum when I was starting to struggle. Talking about things have helped. Hope talking here helps you too - you are amongst people who understand xx