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General Discussion / Re: Am I right to be angry?
« Last post by Karena on Today at 11:14:15 AM »
being angry is a normal part of grieveing so being angry isnt wrong in itself - but its also a time when we are very sensative to what people say, I,m sure your boyfriend had no intention to hurt you - maybe he was even trying to spare you the shock of finding out yourself so that you are prepared for the time you may want to walk past or for the time when some-one else tells you - so perhaps he is guilty of clumsiness in the way he told you but had good intentions.
I find anger very difficult to deal with - i have always internalised it and made everything my fault . But a couple of years ago after a neighbour issue i had an overwhelming urge to get out and away from it and stomped rather than walked up the hill behind the house - but the energy that went into doing that got rid of the anger so that has become my outlet - bottle banks - legitimatly breaking glass - or sitting in the car away from anyone and screaming are others people here have used in the past - but however you do it - i think its always best to get rid of it that way before approaching the person who has triggered it - then when you are feeling more rational you can think more clearly and if their action still angers you at least approach it calmly and explain too them more calmly why it made you angry or upset. :hug:
General Discussion / Re: What am i supposed to do?
« Last post by Karena on Today at 10:59:50 AM »
I doubt any of us are models - but theyre not realistic anyway - i,m certainly not and being short doesnt help -i got some -proper hand made apple cider vinegar at the weekend from a xmas market stall - youre suposed to drink a teaspoon mixed with water in the mornings - and it acts as an appetite supressent as well as a myriad of other health benefits - so i will see -mostly with me its in the evenings -more boredom than hunger in reality - but as you say the sit down job doesnt help and without a dog i find going out for a walk tends to not happen especially in winter -i,m better in summer when i can get in the garden.
I think we are at a time of life when we finally discover who we are, our goals change maybe less ambitious - certainly in terms of careers -but we learn to live with the person we have become -and even like them and we learn to ignore those whose opinion doesnt matter.
General Discussion / Re: What am i supposed to do?
« Last post by Sandra61 on Today at 12:41:26 AM »
Oh, this strikes a chord! I've never been the slimmest person. I only have to look at a bag of donuts and the pounds pile on! But like you, shortly after I took up dancing to help me get over my loss last year, one of the blokes there told me I should just eat vegetables and fruit and nothing else! I didn't go back for a week as result, I felt so humiliated! Then I thought, why should I stay away because of him? So I went back. Now, despite the weight, I have passed several dance tests with honours and am very pleased with my achievements! One of the ladies I have become friends with there nicknamed him 'lettuce leaf' after I told her about what happened. Now I just avoid him! And despite the weight, I still dance better than he does as well!

I know I should lose weight and I do try, but have a sit-down job, which doesn't help. I have changed shape a little due to the dancing and am sure some of the weight now is due to an increase in muscle development too, but I still look like'Ten-Ton- Tessie'  in photos, so I will have to start working on this harder too, As you say, you worry more about your health when you are on your own. I am trying to avoid cakes in the run up to Christmas, so that 'i can enjoy some Christmas cake over the festive season, not that I am feeling particularly festive. It will only be the second on my own, but mum always loved my Christmas cake too, so I want to make one, partly in memory of her. I made her my Christmas cake for her birthday a couple of weeks before she fell ill with her last illness and am so glad I did as she didn't make it to Christmas.

Anyway, I suppose I'm trying to point out that people do say hurtful thoughtless things, but as a lady just on the wrong side of my mid-fifties, I consider myself to be just at the start of a new phase in my life, sadly without my lovely mum now, but still doing things she would have enjoyed and for the first time in my life without the responsibility of looking after anyone else but me, which, although I also find my weight concerning in terms of my health, especially as I am on my own, I also feel I have a lot to look forward to and enjoy and I intend to do just that for as long as I can. Life isn't over for you when you're only in your fifties or sixties or more, come to that! We have a lovely chap who is still regularly coming to dancing at 98! So you should never give up! And pay no heed to those who make mean, thoughtless comments!
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Missing my mum
« Last post by Sandra61 on December 09, 2018, 11:52:22 PM »
So sorry Autumn Leaves. I lost my mum on October 9th, 2017, so it's just a little over a year on for me, but I identify completely with your description of how it has made you feel. I felt much the same over those early days, well, the first six months really. Like you, total meltdown and unbearable pain and crying all the time! But if that's how you feel, just go with it. Do try to make sure you eat and drink.

After a few months, I felt like I was drowning in my grief and I made a conscious decision to go out and join a class and take up a new interest, just to escape it, get me out of the house and make me think about something else, if only for a couple of hours a week and I did find that helped, so it might be something you could try later on. It's still the strongest stratagem I have in my armoury of survival.

The waves of upset still wash over me from time to time, but gradually it is getting easier to bear. It's still very early days for you, so do whatever helps for now. Take care of yourself and just take it one day at a time.

Sending hugs and sympathy...
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: 2 weeks since my mum died
« Last post by Sandra61 on December 09, 2018, 11:37:17 PM »
Hello Now What and Autumn Leaves,

Your posts resonate with me also. My mum died a little over a year ago and I can assure you, you will gradually come to accept what has happened, but like you, for about the first six months or so, all I could think about were the awful weeks when she was in hospital and the gulit that she passed away in the time when I had gone home for a rest, exhausted, after staying with her all night and most of the day for at least three nights. I'm not sure I will ever be able to fully forgive myself for going home that day.

Since then, I have many bad, but also some better days. I am not surprised to hear what you say about friends not being very sympathetic. In my experience, i found least support from those from whom I might have expected the most and the most support from new friends from whom I might have expected the least. It certainly teaches you a lot about people and sorts out who are the ones you can rely on for a sympathetic ear and who you can't! I think often, people just don't know what to say, or don't understand, never having suffered a loss themselves, and some are just too selfish to want to worry about someone who is going through something so painful.

It is early days for both of you, so take your time and don't expect to feel much better any time soon. It's a long and difficult ordeal, but slowly, things will get a little better, as you come  to terms with what has happened and learn to live with it. In the meantime, look after  your every day needs and just do whatever helps. In the meantime, you will find understanding and support from tose of us who are in the same position here and on the Facebook page,

Sending hugs...
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Lost my husband of 30 years
« Last post by Sandra61 on December 09, 2018, 11:17:10 PM »
Hello Evab,

So sorry to hear of your loss. I know it's not the same, but yours and Changed's husbands sound a lot like my dad. He could do everything and did! He died in 1985 after suffering a couple of heart attacks over the space of a few months. It was a terrible blow to me and my mum, who always depended on him so much for so many things. He left a huge hole in our lives and I still miss him now. I found myself here after also losing my mum a little over a year ago and now I find it all the harder to deal with all the practicalities of life on my own.

I am sorry, but not so surprised to hear that you are not finding much support from your family. I have found that, over the last year or so, I have found the least support from those from whom I might have expected to get the most support and that instead, I have found it in those I would not have expected it from. It certainly surprises you and teaches you a lot about those you thought you knew well.

I think you said your daughter and son-in-law don't seem to understand, but it could be, in the case of your daughter at least, that she is having her own difficulties dealing with the loss of her father. Be patient with one another. Keep talking and eventually, it will get a little easier.

I know what you mean about finding odd little bits and pieces around that upset you. It was years before I could bring myself to sort through my dad's tools and clear put his workshop, just because they were such a big part of my memory of him. Just yesterday, I looked in a bag and found my mum's gloves and headscarf that she wore when it started to get cold. It took me by surprise and upset me to find them so unexpectedly, just to realise that she would never need them anymore. It's all so hard!

Be gentle with yourself and just take it a day at a time. Remember to eat and drink, otherwise just do whatever helps for now.
Sending hugs...
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Re different person
« Last post by Sandra61 on December 09, 2018, 10:49:30 PM »
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It must be so very hard after so many years together. I am sure you must feel terribly lost.

As Emz says, suffering a loss does change you, but it sounds like it is still very early days for you. I think losing someone close does make you feel very vulnerable and it certainly leaves you in shock. In my experience, it takes a long time to get past those feelings to any real extent. They say the first year is the hardest. Perhaps it is, but I find there are waves of days when it all seems worse than other days.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. Certainly for at least the first six months, I wouldn't expect to feel much better. Just concentrate on surviving. Remember to eat and drink, but other than that, just do whatever you need to do. In time, acceptance comes and slowly you find a way forward. Just take it a day at a time.

I expect you probably are stronger than you think, but you have just suffered the worst blow that you are ever likely to, so it may take a while before you recover any of that strength yet. In the meantime, we are all here for you to help support you.

Sending hugs...
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Lost my husband of 30 years
« Last post by Changed on December 09, 2018, 10:04:37 AM »
Hi Evab
I identify so much with your post.  My husband died 5 weeks ago and was also a very positive driven man who always did everything in the house, decorating, plumbing, electrics and never let things defeat him. 
He died of Acute Myeloid Leukaemia only 3.5 weeks after diagnosis and two months of being so ill but refusing to see a doctor as he was convinced hed get over it. He had never had any real health problems and this diagnosis came as a tremendous shock and made him both frightened and angry.  My memories are so so painful watching him and feeling so helpless.
One of my last memories is him telling me to shut up when I was trying to prevent him climbing out of bed in the early hours as he was so weak I knew he would fall.

I feel very guilty saying this but I am so envious of people who have lost their husbands suddenly while they still looked and sounded like themselves and dont have these awful pictures in their heads.
I wish you all the very best   
General Discussion / Re: Am I right to be angry?
« Last post by The Laird Of Glencairn, Scotland on December 08, 2018, 11:14:59 PM »
I am angry about loads of things to do with my wife dying and even though i know i cannot change anything i am still VERY angry and its fortunate that the locum who basically let her die lives hundreds of miles away in Colchester otherwise he might not be around too long.....i think most people who are grieving will have some sort of anger and it could be like myself over treatment or like yourself seeing your old home with a new family in.....your new boyfriend wouldn't have told ya to upset ya us blokes sometimes don't think the same as our wives/girlfriends and to be honest i would have probably done the same but nowt to do with upsetting ya. I still look at my old homes on Google Earth and wonder who lives there now and wonder if they have found my old guitar in the loft or boxes full of motorbike parts for that classic bike i never got round to building. As for not thinking about your feelings one of my sisters said to me last week "at least you won't need to search for pressies for Ruth this year"  and for a moment i felt like punching her but some people say stuff without really i just replied "No need you wasting money on Makeup  when ya can't polish a turd" LOL. They say things improve in time so its early days and we will have to wait and see..
Sorry for laughing but i have just reading about Mad Max's latest escapade and Rory thinke he's very brave going in a pushchair lol I have this image of Max with goggles on and you pushing him at full speed down to costa coffee lol  poor little chap lol he must have been terrified. When we had Hamish our Cavalier he had to have a knee joint replaced and Ruth bought him a pet pushchair which was like a normal pushchair but had a roof on etc so he could go out but not jump out etc and she made a notice for on the side that said "Injured Not Lazy Pet on Board"  because some woman told her he would get lazy in that thing lol  If had known Ruth you were risking it saying such a thing and how she managed to stop herself giving the woman a mouthful still amazes.....she was like me say what you want about me and no problem but saying things about our pets or any animals and your risking it lol. Like Karen said he's best avoiding wheels.....don't expect him to perfect so young as my Rory is older than him and he's no saint by a long long as he's safe and gets used to his collar etc is plenty until he's fully sussed you out and where he lives etc.....He looks a lovely fella and you will great times with him....make sure you take plenty of photos too.....Rory is a real pain as every time i pick my camera up he comes so close to me i can't get a decent shot.....he knows he can run rings round me and does but he's getting there. Hamish was totally different as he was like a little old man and just plodded about and got on with things and never heard him bark, when he went to the vets they loved him as he never tried to bite them and just sat there and let them prod him etc.......they love Rory too but agree with me that he is totally the opposite of Hamish....Ruth would have loved to see him grow up and hopefully she's keeping an eye on us lol
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