Author Topic: Flying home  (Read 107 times)

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Offline Kate3027

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Flying home
« on: June 11, 2018, 01:06:53 PM »
This is just me thinking out loud really.

On Friday I fly home (me, husband and kids) for a holiday with my family. We did the same thing at the same time last year, only my Dad was with us.

I am apprehensive to say the least, memories keep hitting me. The last time I flew home was for the funeral, and I can very clearly remember sitting on the plane and saying to my husband, "he's not going to be there, is he?", on this day, nearly 9 months later, the sentiment still holds true. He isn't going to be there, my Dad. I know he isn't here any more on this earth, whether I am in Germany, China or the North Pole, but somehow flying back to the place where he was, the place where he spent his life, and knowing that he won't be there, the fact that he isn't THERE means something more.

It really is hard to grieve abroad. I have no family here to share in my sorrow. Of course I have reminders, photos and tokens of him, I am still gripped by grief on a frequent basis. But I have nowhere to go, no place to feel a special connection, so everything is somehow a bit disjointed. And right now, with four days to go until lift off, I can remember everything as clear as day. The very last time I saw him, the moment I said goodbye, singing "hush little baby" to my little girl to send her off to sleep as I glimpsed the herse pull up through the crack in the drawn curtains. The yellow roses on the coffin and walking behind it down the aisle thinking "he walked me down an aisle once". I keep remembering all of it this week, it may as well have happened yesterday.

I can just call him can't I? He's sat in his chair reading some science fiction novel, he'll look up when I come in the room as the kids rush in and beam at me. He won't, he won't. Not ever again.

Offline Karena

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Re: Flying home
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2018, 04:39:24 PM »
 :hug:I know why youre  feeling like this - anticipation of something often is worse than doing it - as you say being abroad you have no memorey no associations - coming home youre last association is of the funeral so only sadness - i think when you get there , there will be moments of sadness but also somewhere to gather together all those other memories of happier times - so you will probably find its a bit bittersweet. There was a place me and my husband loved to go too - the place we were going to retire too -and i was terrified of going back - but i realised i was depriving myself of something i loved just as much as him - and losing him was bad enough without losing even more  - the first time i did go it wasnt easy, but it wasnt nearly as bad as i thought it might be - now i go back every year and feel closer to him there than anywhere else but that is a positive closeness not a sad one.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Flying home
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2018, 08:27:32 AM »
Sending a hug kate  :hug:
It must be hard to be abroad, have you thought of creating your own special place? A place which can remind you of your dad.  Whether thats a place in the garden or somewhere else he may have liked? Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx