Author Topic: 'COMPLICATED' GRIEF ??? ...Much worse!!  (Read 1467 times)

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Offline blackwidow2017

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'COMPLICATED' GRIEF ??? ...Much worse!!
« on: November 19, 2018, 09:42:34 AM »
Hello

My Husband Keith died suddenly in March 2017, he was the best, my soulmate, this was my 3rd marriage (and last, there can be no one else, no one can every take his place) my two previous marriages were abusive 1st physically and 2nd mentally, I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression (for over 45 years now), we have 2 sons one is 16 the other 18, my sons are the only reason I am here, I know I could not go on...the only reason I am still living is for my 2 sons, they cant lose both parents !!  

Its getting to be very very difficult getting through each day (putting it very mildly),  lastweek I went to a grief session (my 1st and last) I just cant go through it again, especially now I associated the place with my agony and pain ... explaining yet again to a total stanger what I have been through and talking through everthing yet again its  just too hearbreaking ...

My husband devistatingly died suddenly, 4 months later I had to have a total hysterectomy (I only stayed in hospital overnight as I wanted to get back home so 'forced' myself to get up and around to get back home ... then my father in law died (cancer), then Reeko our loyal husky/malamute had to be put down due to old age, ... then our (rented) bungalow needed major works... ripping our lives apart yet again over and over!!...

I cant take anymore, I am in absolute pain and torture 24/7 I cant sleep and cant stop breaking down and bursting into tears....

Normal life is bad enough but when things go wrong ... it cant be put into words...

I know I have Complicated Grief ontop being in agony with physical pain 24/7 from arthritis, oesteoporosis, spondylosis, etc!!!   :wchair:

I have been through hell and still suffering ... :cry:

I am not religious and do not believe in a god! ... but I do believe something .. I know we dont just die and that is it ... the end ... our 'lifeforce/energy' just does not disappear! ... 

My childhood wasnt a good happy one neither thats were my anxiety and depression  began!!  :evil:

My husband was cremated (fortunately he told  he wanted this just a month before he died in a conversation we had as I said I was afraid of dying as I was afraid of what happened afterwards and didnt know what to do myself burial or cremation (due to complications and needing a total hysterectomy) ..that is when he told me)...   :cray:
 
I have Keith on a small shelf in a small wooden coffin urn with pictures of him and his and our farourite things and momentos around the shelf, I talk to him all the time and I know be has been helping and protecting us like our guardian angel I can 'feel' his presence and know he is still around us... (I also had a tattoo done, in his memory on my chest next to my heart).

I do not know what to do ... 'complicated' doesnt really describe my grief it is much, much worse!!  :evil:  :cry:  :cray:
 
💔😭☹