Author Topic: Hello  (Read 1629 times)

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Offline JS151

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Hello
« on: February 18, 2019, 09:09:56 AM »
Hello everyone, I can’t believe I have had to look for a group such as this but so glad I have found it.

My partner passed away 10 days ago so it’s still very raw. We were together over 10 years and he was only 43 years old.

I found out only a few days after he passed that he was HIV Positive and had never told me. So many questions that I just won’t be able to get answers to. The main ones have been answered by doctors ie I haven’t contracted HIV as I was offered an immediate test, he had known for 3.5 years, and most likely had contracted it before we got together.

However I will never understand why he didn’t tell me, why he didn’t attend follow up appointments, and why he didn’t start medication.

Everything just feels so overwhelming just now - how do you handle this? Funeral isn’t until later this week so I feel in a bit of a limbo just now.

Thanks for reading.

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2019, 12:51:53 PM »
Hi i am sorry you needed to find us too - but we are here to help any way  we can.

There are many questions you must have,  some that cant really be answered even by doctors about why he didnt turn up for apointments and why he didnt tell you

Given his age he would have been very impressionable at the time when HIV and Aids was presented in such a fear filled way and those who caught it were treated as pariahs 
When he was 11 he may have seen the advert with the crashing gravestone that terrified us all, he may have seen that where a tv series dared to tackle the issue the outcome was always the same and the programme attracted some really harsh comments from some members of soicety  many of whom believed it was a deserved punishment from god perhaps  he  remembered the gasps of incredability when Princess Diana visited people with aids and shook their hands - Then imagine allbeit several years later being told you have it.
Of course everything moved on - treatment got better the difference between being HIV positive and having full blown aids became clearer but generally with much less media sensationalism.So perhaps when he went for the test, he was less aware of the advances went into panic mode and didnt take in what was being said. perhaps all he heard was you dont have aids, and didnt take in the rest of that conversation so didnt understand his condition.

The other option is denial - if you dont go to the doctors dont have treatment and just carry on as normal then you dont have it - not quite the same but i have known people do this with cancer.

Either way as well as grief on losing him it must be so hard for you to take in - and there may be those around you who say he was a bad person for putting you at risk like that - only you can decide that - my own feeling is he wasnt - yours will switch over the coming months as you go through a roller coaster of emotions - many of us will recognise we have felt angry at the people we lost firstly for leaving us but also because they drank, smoked, went out in the car that morning - a whole myriad of reasons. But only you knew him and only you can decide in the way you were together, the kind of person he was and then hold on too the best of him and your time together.

WE will be here to try and help you through this the best we can for as long as you need. :hug:


Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2019, 08:40:52 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:  grief brings a confusing mix of emotions and this news must have added quite some shock/confusion for you.  Hope you find the forum a support xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2019, 11:52:00 PM »
Hello,

So sorry to hear of your loss and the shocks that have come with it. I am sure your partner had his reasons for wanting to hide these things and keep them private and that is such a shame and must make you feel very confused and upset. I think what you need to keep hold of is that, whatever his reasons, he wanted to be with you and so must have loved you very much and so hid his own conflicting ideas, for what he must have thought was for the best. You haven't suffered any bad effects physically from that, so I  think you need to let go of the worries about why he hid his condition from you and focus on the good life you did enjoy together, which must have meant so much to him too, not to have wanted to put it at risk by being open with you about this.

Just forgive and give yourself time. What is, is. You can't change the past, so just value it and hold that dear. Whatever his reasons for keeping his secrets to himself, they make little difference now. What matters now is you, so do whatever you need to get through this and keep talking to us here. That will help too. Sending strength and hugs. :hug:
« Last Edit: February 23, 2019, 10:33:47 AM by Sandra61 »

Offline Pam19

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Re: Hello
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2019, 12:25:44 PM »
Hello JS151
I am genuinely so sorry for your loss.....I am only 4 months in since losing my husband and totally understand the feeling of being overwhelmed....there is so much to do when someone dies, at a time when you’re not really capable of sorting paperwork, banks out etc.
Please try not to let the fact that your partner didn’t tell you about being HIV positive be the only thing you focus on...he was with you, you had a life together...it’s easier said than done I know ....I only joined this forum yesterday and I am already feeling some peace and strength knowing that there are so many of us in similar situations, and that by using this forum, supporting each other, will help us deal with our grief  :hearts: