Author Topic: Help with a conundrum please.  (Read 2498 times)

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Offline Maria66

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Help with a conundrum please.
« on: October 13, 2017, 06:00:46 AM »
Morning to all its another day without our beloveds.

OK, its early days for me really early and i am trying to get my head around the senselessness of my husbands death. We still havent had the funeral.

My conundrum is this. My daughter and her husband are having my very ex husbands girlfriend over for xmas (I actually quite like her). He passed 10 years ago. Anyway its not so much that, but my daughter wants to organise a Christmas lunch in a restaurant and is pushing me to go. She keeps on about it and although initially i kind of said oh ok, i was at a low ebb and not really thinking about anything.

Now i have had a few weeks to calm down a little i just dont want to go. I cant even bear to think about Christmas without Mike, it wouldnt be the same, it wouldnt be right. Me enjoying christmas (well i wouldnt to be honest), whilst he has passed only a few months.

How do i tell her without her getting upset?  She is very strong willed and yes can be a bit pushy my fault i made her independant when she was young, although she is 45 now she can be a little overbearing.

We have had our issues over time but of late been getting on really well, I just dont want to rock the boat now I know she is doing this with good intentions.

But really i cant face it. I rarely go out anyway even when Mike was alive as my MS made it hard for me to sit to eat, so its not just mikes passing that is an issue.   

Gulp, I am scared to say to her NO, and knowing my mouth i will just upset her.

I would really appreciate some help in this.  Thanks. xx

Offline Fleur

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Re: Help with a conundrum please.
« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2017, 09:32:21 AM »
It's very difficult to make decisions after losing someone we have loved. I have made some and then completely changed my mind, in fact decision making is a real struggle for me.
Maybe you could explain to your daughter that you are finding decision making difficult when your world just doesn't seem to make sense any more. Perhaps this will prepare her for your not going to the lunch. The thing is you might change your mind again nearer the time, can you explain to her that you need to leave this invitation open?
 :hug:
This too shall pass.

Offline Karena

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Re: Help with a conundrum please.
« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2017, 02:53:30 PM »
I agree you might change your mind again, and christmas is some time away.But also consider what the alternatives are -you might feel you wont enjoy yourself, but would you enjoy yourself home alone either -I was going too the first year but got pretty much kidnapped by familly,i certainly wasnt shouting from the rooftops but it probably was better than what i was going to do at the time and got me through the day.
Also unless going to restaurants was what you usually did perhaps doing something completely different will make it a bit less difficult.Could it be that that was your daughters thinking on the idea.?

Doing anything like that i would get a run out strategy in advance -look for a quiet corner -even if its just a toilet cubicle - where i can get a break and recoup -usually outside for me - i have spent quite a bit of time lurking round the side of buildings.

Since then when i had more time to think about dealing with xmas in future I have completely dropped the old  traditions -i still do presents for the grandkidskids and go for lunch on the 25th -- 
but my focus is much more based on new year and pre-christian winter comforts -so  no card writing except a few handmade new years ones for a couple of friends, no indoor decorations - no trailing round shops spending buckets on things i dont really need too -its quite nice to not have that build up and stress - but that doesnt mean i,m miserbale or feel i,m missing out - it was time to start new traditions - mine is decorating an outdoor tree with homemade bird feast options, strings of nuts and (unsalted plain) popcorn.etc etc -the kids love doing it, and it takes plenty of time -interspersed with hot chocolate and a camp fire if it isnt raining -or toasting t cakes over the stove with a fork -so for them thats part of christmas now, and it gives their parents time to do all the last minute things they have to do. I will bring holly in  this year but only because the tree needs trimming back and its a shame to just throw it away. New years eve i will be letting in the light inside and burning a candle for him outdoors - in my head its my way of inviting him to continue forward  in spirit into the next year with me a kind of symbol that whatever the year brings i  will never leave him behind .

Offline Maria66

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Re: Help with a conundrum please.
« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2017, 03:39:36 PM »
Mike and I, never were xmas people not really as we got older we just liked to sit on xmas day enjoy our time together, his son would come and for 2 years we actually treated the family to Christmas lunch  the second time was a disaster as they had all had a party the night before which I hasten to add we were not invited too and had hangovers, and the lunch was over in less then 2 hours. 

We just enjoy a quiet xmas together Wallace and gromit and james bond bliss.

I am going to say to her, thank you for the lovely offer, but at this moment I cant make decisions my head is all over the place. Make the booking for themselves andn perhaps just tell the restaurant there may be a 4th turn up, and if I do feel better I can then go. The trouble is the coroner has told me it could take 8 weeks yet to find out why he died which will take me possibly into December before I know why, so its still really early days.

I really appreciated your kindness in answering my question, and it has given me comfort and helped me make a decision thank you both. x