Author Topic: Lost my mam at the age of 18... 13 Years on & still struggling.  (Read 2333 times)

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Offline kel

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Its the first time in 13 years ive wrote about my loss, but ive finally found the courage to do it.

My Mam died at the age of 39 in a house fire i was 18 my sister 14. We wasn't at home at the time it happened due to circumstances that led up to this night. Me & my sister were naughty teenagers we stole money from her bag the night before   . I ended up confessing after she confronted me i was full of drink and took an overdose because my mam said she had washed her hands of me and wanted me out the house. She kicked my sister out, she went to my aunts. The last words my mam ever spoke to me were if u dont get in that  ambulance ill never speak to you again. I complied and went off to hospital not knowing that those were going to be the last words my Mam would ever say to me... I arrived at A&E got put on a drip and moved to a ward as the alcohol started to wear off the realisation of what id done started to hit me i felt guilty i tried ringing my Mam on the house phone i wanted to say i was sorry i needed her to no i loved her. I never got through all i got was an engaged tone. I dont no how i dont no why i just had a bad feeling in my stomach that something wasnt right i lay in my hospital bed watching the clock i heard ever second tick by untill it got to 2.13AM and a nurse entered my ward her eyes sad her head hung low i knew instantly something was wrong i thought my mam had taken an overdose. I asked  her what was wrong she just said your  sister, aunt & Uncle are here my heart started racing  she told me to folllow her i walked out the ward and a few doors down i came to a room i walked inside clutching my drip stand there was two sofas opposite each other  my family members sat on one i sat down looking at their  red eyes and white faces I asked them "whats wrong" to which my sister replied in a shaky voice "Kelly mi Mams died" i stood up i shouted "shut up" then my little sister put her hand out and in it was my mams ring and necklace all black off the smoke. She said do you want to see her shes down in A&E  ive already been to see her. All i can remember was walking down to A&E feeling like i was in a bubble i was dazed confused sounds just bounced off me i was numb i didnt cry i couldnt. Ill never forget walking back into the A&E department were jyst hours earlier id been admitted all the nurses and doctors just looked at me you no what look i mean the look everyone seems to give you when u lose someone. The nurse pullled the curtain back and there she was laid there still it was just like she was asleep apart from the black soot on her face i just stood and stared. My sister started to freak out she started shaking our mam and saying kelly breath down her throat she will wake up those words will haunt me till the day i die. I didnt cry for weeks i still thought i was going to wake up from this nightmare. I stayed in hospital a few more nights my aunt stayed with me that night, the hospital put me in a private room my aunt layed on the bed i just on the chair and stared outside looking at the carpark.

Every thing from then on becomes a blur i got chucked in a council house  my family only came once and that was to drop all my Mams fire damaged furniture off and that was that i was left to my own devices totally unprepared for living independently i didnt even no how to put a pair of curtains up! My sister went to live with a woman she used to babysit. So me left alone i quickly became  severly depressed and alcohol dependent anything to block out the hurt and pain in my heart. Everything smelt of fire it was just a constant remider of what had happened my family didnt care they soon disowned me so did my sister because my life spiralled out of control i was a down and out and years after when everyone had moved on with their lives i was still stuck in 2004.

Ive wrote this on here today as for years when ever i mentioned my mam people have told me that i should be over it and shouldnt keep talking about it When i did talk about her it wasnt for pity it was because if i stopped talking about her it was like accepting she was gone and i wasnt im still not ready i cant move on with my life. I blame myself and nothing anyone says will change that. I just cant comprehend the thought of never seeing her again and never getting to tell her i was sorry.

I dont even know if anyone will read this but i had to get it off my chest. Thanks Kel xx

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Lost my mam at the age of 18... 13 Years on & still struggling.
« Reply #1 on: August 23, 2017, 02:08:53 PM »
My heart goes out to you, losing your mam is hard enough, with everything else must have been truly traumatic. Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
It helps for us to be able to talk about our loss, and our loved ones. Have you considered some counselling, to give you that safe space to talk?
Hope talking here with us helps - we all understand loss xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline kel

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Re: Lost my mam at the age of 18... 13 Years on & still struggling.
« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2017, 02:32:59 PM »
Thanks Emz means alot  :smiley: My doctor as put me on the list to start counselling im determined to see it through this time as in the past ive just not turned up thinking it was just going to be a waste of time but i think i should at least give it a try this time and see how things go x

Offline Karena

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Re: Lost my mam at the age of 18... 13 Years on & still struggling.
« Reply #3 on: August 23, 2017, 07:11:33 PM »
 :hug:.As a mother of two daughters all I can really say is that through the teenage years with all the rows,all the stuff they did but shouldn't have,and all the mistakes I made too,because none of us have a dictionary of perfect parenting,we never stopped loving each other, despite hard words and words spoken in anger,and if something had happened to me after one of those times there is no way I would blame them,or want to imagine they would blame themselves as you have.love for our children is unconditional.Even though the last words you exchanged were not I love you,the meaning was,because she wanted you to get medical help.

Other peoples opinions about being "over it" don't come from experience they cannot know  or judge your emotions.Its not a case of getting over it,but of finding peace with it,and that's where counselling does help.
I had counselling after my husband died,I went with the surity that it wouldn't help and the first couple of weeks it didn't.If anything I felt worse,I wanted to ditch it,but was also at a point where I knew I had to do something.It doesn't " cure" you of grief,but it does help you find ways to cope with it and think differently around it,so please keep going if you can.We will be here to support you too if we possibly can.