Author Topic: Mum  (Read 3512 times)

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Offline Twinkle

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Mum
« on: November 26, 2017, 01:54:41 PM »
Hi, 25 years almost to the day after losing my Dad my Mum who was 89, called my name and had a massive heart attack, I didn't get in to her room quick enough, I shall never know if her last conscious thoughts were aware I had got there, I did C P R on her on instruction from the ambulance people over the phone, I was alone with her, i remember screaming at her and sobbing begging her to come back, at the same time could hear her bones  crack as I pumped down on her. Two ambulance crews arrived followed by a senior paramedic, I heard them say we have a pulse after a few minutes the senior paramedic said somebody has to make a decision as whether to carry on or not,  do you want me too? I instinctively said please just leave her be, my husband  told me the paramedic said it was the right call.
And that was that, in a heartbeat my lovely Mum was gone,
I will give you some background if I may, am worried the post will be too long but it is the first time have really expressed all this. I was  Mums main carer, I took care of her in every way, she was mobile and relatively healthy but was lonely and housebound so only living two minutes away, myself and  my husband spent a lot of time with her and was on the phone about 10 times a day,  I have three older siblings who popped in and out shall we say...
Two weeks before she died she was admitted too hospital, her sats were low and she had a urine infection, sadly her care whilst in hospital was very poor, and my sister and I fought to get her home as we could see the deterioration in front of us, so hospital said she was fine to go home, just needed oxygen, which we sorted, and instantly she began to improve, her mind came back, she ate, talked was fine, we got her g p out to see her on the Friday as I thought it would be nice to have someone make an effort... he concluded she was fine. We all continued that is my husband one sister and myself to be with her at all times, and after a happy day with her Monday I told my husband to go home and get a proper sleep,,,  mum got sorted for bed, heard her in the bathroom being little sick but she said she was okay, she got in bed, said I have few pains in my chest, indigestion I said  went to garden to have a cigarette, heard her call my name, went in there and my worst nightmare began....

And now I don't know how to cope, I miss her so much, she was my rock, my backbone, my reason to live, my husband has a lot of health issues both physical and mental and is no support, the other three children weren't so close with her and don't want to talk about, I am alone utterly alone.

No-one wants to hear about it anymore and I understand that, but I seem to be numb getting worse instead of better, when I lost Dad I had Mum to keep going for and now I just want to join them

Am sorry for the long post

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Mum
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2017, 05:49:03 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
You never need to apologise for long posts here  :hearts:
It's so hard to lose a loved one and must add to the shock when you have been involved in trying to resuscitate too.  I have heard from people that it is also a challenging thought/emotion when you have lost both parents - they have been such a stable, constant in our lives suddenly it can feel pretty scary when they are both gone
It really helps us to talk these things through - with grief, often talking about these memories, sometimes more than once, can help our minds process them and move through our bereavement journey.  Everyone here has lost loved ones and understand, and are here to listen and chat.   
It can also be challenging when you have a partner who is not able to provide a lot of support - I know I certainly struggled as I had to support my partner during my grief.  Please keep talking with us, hope you find it helps having this outlet, understanding and support. xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Mum
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2017, 06:28:15 PM »
Thank you, I don't know what to with myself or whether it's even worth trying, I have no one now, and I miss her so much, my husband doesn't want to know, and I have to contain my grief all the time, at work at home, I can't get over that last night, or the funeral, I keep reliving it over in my head, it feels like am closer to her somehow,  and I can't get over how much I miss her every second of the day, it was August, surely I should have started to feel better? I just keep making a plan, get hers and dads stone sorted and then join them

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Mum
« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2017, 11:00:05 PM »
The grief journey is a gradual one.  Try and concentrate on each day at a time, it will get easier but it takes time. It's less daunting focusing on a day at a time, and on really hard days concentrate on an hour at a time.
Do you have any friends nearby, who you could meet up with and be able to talk to?  That may give you some space and support? 
You have us here to talk to now too, so you're not totally alone  :hearts:
August is not that long ago, and with Christmas coming and advertised everywhere we look that also heightens emotions too which makes it feel even harder.  It's a rollercoaster journey, but it will get better
Have you spoken to your GP? If you're lacking support at home it would be good to talk to them, and also consider some bereavement counselling too? Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Mum
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2017, 08:51:31 AM »
Thank you, I do have several life long friends who are supporting me, but am very conscious they have problems in their own lives and don't want to burden them. Because Mum couldn't get out the last few years by this time of year would have been running around sorting out the presents she wanted to buy for people, she would conspire with my husband to make sure I always had a pile under the tree, whilst doing her shopping I would be buying her twiglets etc in preparation, we always spent it with her and she loved it. I used to spend ages picking little Nik naks up for from me which loved, and now it's all gone...
I am seeing Dr, was already on high anti depressants anyway, I had 5 sessions of the human givings counselling, which was okay but not really bereavement counselling,
Support groups in my area are over 45 miles away, and debts are too high to think about paying.
Last night I just sat on kitchen floor sobbing, absolutely broken.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Mum
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2017, 07:31:44 PM »
It is a hard journey and unfortunately the only way is through it -there is no fast track or side stepping grief, it's a rollercoaster journey we work through. I clearly remember the days of sobbing and when the missing/sadness felt like a physical pain. It will not feel like it now but please be assured it will get easier to cope

In the early days I think it helps to try and increase TLC for ourselves, try and do something which is good for you, whether that's a soak in the bath, read a favourite book, watch a film or a really nice cuppa (hot choc?), whatever is a little treat for you. Dont put too much expectation and pressure on yourself - have these treats between your achievements

It's totally normal to want to get away from the pain but it takes time. Try and take brief respite in the little things. Gradually over time we heal and are able to expand our lives again. Concentrate on little steps and notice the small steps forward you're making. Just like if you'd broken your leg you wouldn't be expected to run within a few weeks, be gentle with your emotional healing too. Often we don't realise the progress, it can help to keep a diary.  Some people have found it has helped to write a daily entry on here then in time when they read back over their posts they're able to see the progress they've made (which they hadn't realised they had), or you could keep a personal diary, or even write entries to your mum

I started keeping a grateful diary - trying to look for 3 things each day I'm grateful for or proud of. In the early days it can be something which ordinarily may seem quite small/insignificant - like having a really tasty cup of coffee or noticing a pretty wild bird, or even just that you got out of bed when you really didn't want to.  Helps us to notice the progress we are making and also it's scientifically proven to refocus our brain - our brain will naturally start noticing the good things more often. I guess you could say it's a form of mindfulness.  This may be especially challenging at the beginning but it can help the fight against the fear/loneliness and overwhelming feeling of grief  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Mum
« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2017, 06:33:47 PM »
Thank you. I am trying to enjoy my books and long soaks in baths etc. I have been randomly doing a diary but I really like the idea of writing them to mum, I wrote her a letter to be cremated with her, as well as photos. I went and saw her in the chapel of rest,  I never felt the need to with my Dad but my sister was there and said she looked young and peaceful, I guess she did, but was so so cold and it hurts and haunts me, I rubbed her hands etc but now it all haunting me, everything, I miss her so much I do not know what to do, I have a life ending plan in my head and that is the only comfort I seem to get.
I do know it gets easier, but am not sure can wait, all seems so pointless, I don't sleep, I struggle at work as it's a toy shop and I have to be happy there....

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Mum
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2017, 02:51:13 PM »
I think those feelings can be quite normal when we are in such pain.  It's when we feel we want to act on them then that's a time you need to reach out for some help - whether that's your gp, a friend to talk to or even the samaritans. Although it may feel that's what you want it is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.  I dont mean to take away the severity of the feelings by saying temporary, but I can say that I am 4 years down the line and it has become easier to cope - it will get better  :hug:

Try and think of reasons you have around you to hold on to, and we are always here to listen if you need some support.

Lacking sleep is really hard too. I remember the stages of being awake between 2 and 4, feeling like you're the only one awake.  And lack of sleep makes everything so much harder to face and cope with too.  Perhaps you might find by doing the writing may help you get back to sleeping.  I found pukka 'relax' teabags helped me a bit, they contain chamomile which is supposed to help but is mixed with other flavours (I don't like taste of chamomile).  Paying particular attention to a routine for preparing for sleep may help a bit. 

Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Mum
« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2017, 06:29:04 PM »
Thank you, I guess the fact that I am scared of the fact I have a get out plan has made me reach out to you, I have rung the Samaritans once but I find myself getting so frustrated as no one can fix me, and that is not anyone's fault I know,  i also know from when i lost Dad that it does get bearable, but i am struggling to see the point of it all when it is just bearable.

I try of think of reasons to hang on too and I can't, all I have are my husband and my dog, he has so so many issues that daily life is hard work, and I love my little dog but she is definitely a daddy's girl, and both them would be okay without me.

Yes being constantly tired makes it all worse, especially as at the minute am working 6 to 7 days a week due to dreaded Christmas, and have to keep pretending everything okay and that am looking forward to Xmas etc, I will try that tea, will try anything...   I just want my Mum and Dad to reach down and pick me up to join them, I keep seeing her in my mind, keep reliving that night and constantly want to talk to her, sorry even putting that makes me feel awful as I know so many of you suffered much worse

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Mum
« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2017, 09:08:04 PM »
Our meaning and purpose in life can be quite fluid - even if you feel that way now, you never know the meaning you are yet to find.  I never had any clue that one day I would be here, volunteering for this bereavement site,  I find some meaning being able to try and help others, knowing how my grief has impacted me, if I can just help someone a little or help share a tiny glimmer of hope, that gives me a sense of purpose

We also have meet ups sometimes, across the country, and I've made some genuine friends.  I would never have imagined that happening.  One thing we can be sure of is change - just like the seasons come and go there's always change.  But that also means that the darkness and the sadness also has to change. 

I know that sometimes when I've been really down it feels like a constant, but I found if i tried to grade how i was feeling, on a scale of 1 to 10 for example, I found that there were fluctuations.  There were times it wasnt as low, that helped me.

I also found my work lost all meaning after I lost my dad. It took time but after a period I chose to retrain - and I am starting out on a path which is bringing much more meaning.

Have you considered perhaps popping to the Dr and getting signed off for a week or two?  I think perhaps, especially with the lack of sleep, time of year and the demands of your type of work perhaps some time to stop and rest may do you some good.  Less pressure and rushing, catch your breath a bit, allow you to look after yourself. Time for you to be, take time to walk without rush to be somewhere.  (I found walking in nature helped to calm me too)  The foundations have been shaken beneath you and its so easy to feel overwhelmed

For your sleep, have you tried a routine, perhaps a bath, some reading, not using phones/tablets for an hour before bed, perhaps could try some lavender essential oil in your room?  Ive read that certain foods help induce sleep so could be worth experimenting with that too.  Interestingly I've read something about sour cherries recently - something in them that helps sleep, I'll see if I can find the article I read  xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Mum
« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2017, 08:26:39 PM »
The fact that there are actually people like you, who genuinely care and want to help does really really help.i have, as a whole, never been good with change and this is massive, as of course I know it is for anyone, losing my Dad was so awful, I was young, it was my first experience of death, I was such a Daddy's girl and it hurts so much but I still had Mum,  she was  my rock someone who would always love e whatever, even when the roles reversed and I looked after her was okay, and now there is nothing, she died and I  couldn't save her, and now it all seems pointless.

I have been seeing Dr, she will put me off sick if needs be, but working in retail as a manager I feel the pressure to keep going.

I do feel very badly,that I just want to simply grieve for Mum, but there never is the time, it all gets bottled up, work is hard, home is hard particularly with my husband's problems and there is no escape, I do love nature and walking my little dog helps but its never enough,nothi g seems to dull the pain I feel, of course I am not like it 24 7 and I do have good  memories and smile but losing her is so overwhelming it takes over, and in some ways I want it  too, does that sound mad?

Am not sure about sour cherries.... but I do have a routine, I fall asleep easily enough, I cuddle the bear she had in her bed the night she died, but I wake up at around two, without fail usually preceded by horrific nightmares, where I am trying to save her and can't, and that's then, I get up sometimes, read etc but I never really sleep again, the Dr did give me short course of sleeping pills but they didn't see me through the night either....

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Mum
« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2017, 08:55:32 AM »
Maybe have a think about taking some sick so you can rest. You and your health are so much more important than your job  :hearts:  its hard when home is difficult too, when either work or home is hard, we usually take rest within the other one.  Very easy to feel overwhelmed when both are challenging. Perhaps taking some time will help, but ensure you use some of that time to get out walking - give your mind space and rest

I very clearly remember the phase of being awake between 2 and 4.  Interestingly my colleague who lost his dad around 3 weeks after I lost mine also went through a sleepless phase around the same timing.  Maybe it's a common step on the journey?  I dont know how mine stopped, it just did one day and I started sleeping through again.  Maybe that will happen for you too? 

I think the bereavement journey can certainly make us feel mad.  I know I felt like I lost 'me', I would react in ways I didn't recognise (especially in work) but even though I'm a different 'me' now I do feel like I've regained 'me' again (and I hope that makes some sense!! Is very difficult to try and put into words!) xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Mum
« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2017, 11:28:55 AM »
Yes it makes were sense! Like you say, you behave in ways you would never recognise , and again especially at work!

Today I have to work, it is a fun day! I have to go in and wear my I am happy mask for all the children.....

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Mum
« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2017, 01:57:42 PM »
Hope you manage some TLC when you get home.  Do something nice for yourself, whether thats a nice bath, tasty meal, time to read, or a hobby. Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Mum
« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2017, 06:17:39 PM »
Thank you, it was manic today as I got home husband went out so am again home alone, so am cooking myself roast pork and having a good  cry, I  always plated mum a meal...