Author Topic: Where are the so called friends  (Read 1505 times)

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Offline Jht

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Where are the so called friends
« on: June 17, 2018, 01:49:17 PM »
Is anybody finding that once the immediate time after a bereavement, friends seem not to be in contact.  I find that I am having to make the first contact which is extremely difficult.  I say to people, just pop in any time and have a cuppa.  Nobody comes and now I am wondering what is wrong with me.  Life is so lonely and each day is a struggle to motivate myself to do just the simple tasks.  Then there is all the necessary paperwork/finances to sort through; something I have never had to do through my 49 years of married life.  The few friends that have kept in contact have partners and have their own lives to deal with and I don't feel I can lean on them too much.  Does anyone feel the same?  I keep being told it will get better with time .....................

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Where are the so called friends
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2018, 08:38:56 PM »
I think this happens frequently. I think it's a mixture, people get taken up with their lives again, some people think all is ok again after the funeral (usually the ones who have never lost anyone before) and some feel uncomfortable so sometimes avoid visits.   It's hard - especially when going through the difficult periods where we feel so conflicted - wanting company yet also wanting to hide away, or wanting to talk then can't do it when actually with them
I found one friend in particular was really there for me. She could see behind the mask I wore, and she had had experience of loss.
I found this forum helped so much - gave me an outlet with people who understood - hope the forum can help you too  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Jht

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Re: Where are the so called friends
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2018, 08:44:26 PM »
I just feel so lonely and that no one cares - even my next door neighbour never checks to see that I am ok.  This mornng I didn't pull the curtains back until nearly lunchtime - if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have been in contact and concerned.  I haven't seen or heard from anyone today; why are people so insensitive.  Sorry but I am so upset it makes me feel as though I don't matter. :(

Offline Karena

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Re: Where are the so called friends
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2018, 11:08:54 AM »
 :hug: Sorting through paperwork etc is a nightmare when you are not used to doing that stuff - on top of that i had to move house - i found the best way was to list everything in order of urgency and set myself one or two tasks a day to do, then put a big red line next too it when it was done - that way i could see how much i had achieved which helped me have confidence to move onto the next.Some things like council tax and water rates  i put on direct debit so i dont have to think about them again.
Loneliness is not so easilly sorted though - its certainly not un common for people to drift off - as Emz says either they have never experienced grief and really dont understand or theyre not able to cope with your grief themselves, but sometimes they really dont know what it is you want - they genuinly think you might want time to be alone,and even an invitation to "pop round" isnt definite enough for them - so maybe something more on the lines of - I,m going to town this week why dont we meet up for lunch might work . That way they have something definite and because its a "thing" and has a time slot maybe less daunting for them.(I know friendship should be about supporting you and you shouldnt have to be the one who makes the first move it feels so very wrong)
The other thing i think is when you lose your partner a lot of friendships were between couples - which actually makes retaining those freindships difficult - when you do get an invite you start feeling that gaping chasm by your side even more.
I,m no social butterfly and we lived in a remote village,- and for the most part we were contant just with each others company.Moving meant not knowing neighbours - i still dont because its a second home next door - i do work but even then i dont think anyone at work is really a friend, i,m the only female and the only one doing my particullar job in an office on my.
 Some friends did remain - we were in a camping club - so continuing to get out there and go camping meant those friends didnt treat me differently - but day to day i did struggle a lot. I think part of the journey for me has been learning to be alone and content in my own company, but also as time has gone on getting out and sometimes making new friends along the way - again not day to day, i can go whole weekends without speaking to anyone -i just mind less now.

Although being here means we dont generally meet regularly - sometimes we do,and even just online i have met people here, who i do class as real friends. :hug: 

Offline jcass

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Re: Where are the so called friends
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2018, 01:03:39 AM »
Hi
I understand  your  friends comments. It's almost 6mths since my husband died and I get the feeling from some friends  that I should be over it now and moving on. Even my husband's family don't bother and like you I've said call anytime, my friend who lost a very close relative said the only person who's life has changed is you, the world goes on for everyone else. No one has the answers or if they do they are not sharing.
I x