Hi - no need to apologise for long posts.
Its really difficult to know how to help some-one when you are so close - but at least he isnt clamming up and thats a good thing - its good that he has the minister to talk too and your dad and sometimes it is easier to talk to people outside the home.
It is really early days and this is not a short term thing - you are right that in stepping up for his mum and being the strong one he is ow also re living that grief for his dad - one grief often re triggers another so he is probably grieveing for loss of them both.
All of us have had the feeling of trying to escape the grief and not feel sad all the time -i think accepting that we are grieving and actually we cant escape that is a key to understanding it.
If we broke a leg we would want to get up and walk or run but wouldnt expect to be taking part in a marathon any time soon - in the same way reducing the sadness is a slow process and happens only a bit at a time - in a way its the same thing just not a physical injury - with the leg we would expect a period to convalesce and rebuild our strength and we need to do the same with grief but because we cant see the plastercast we have less patience with ourselves.
Then there,s the guilt when we do have a good day - the first time we go out, have a laugh, forget, not the loved one we lost, but that we lost them for a few minutes and in jumps mr guilt, and we start thinking we are in the wrong we shouldnt have done that it makes us monsters.
We dont want to forget them or let them go but we want to stop being sad all the time.and that in itself feels like a conflict.
First thing is to accept that its ok just to feel how we do at a given time, but we also need to learn to think of those we lost in terms of remebering their whole life - collecting memorys of much better times together helps the ones around the end of their life become less important.
One way to do that might be something you can do - sugest too him that you create a memory book or box for your children - that its important to keep them as real people too their grandchildren rather than them remembering just the sadness that descended when they died - but without having got to know their granparents as people who lived long lives before that moment.
Doing that as a familly means sharing tears,and there will be tears, but also sharing all that other stuff - funny or foolish things they did that he can tell your children about,habits they had, traditions they had - By starting to talk like that we start to remember them in a different way, less as some-one we lost - more as someone who lived, and in living shaped us - when i lost my husband my step son dug out a pair of speedos he remembered being highly embarassed seeing his dad wear them ( it was before i knew him) - but we had a laugh over those speedos for all that we were filled with sadness too going through his stuff - crucially we need to think of them as some-one who would not want us to forget them but also would not want us to live the rest of out lives feeling sad about losing them.
Its not a quick process its a roller coaster journey some days will be worse than others - anniversarys birthdays xmas etc , but perhaps its a start - initially he may refuse - say he cant bear to look at old photos etc and it is a bit soon perhaps -but if he does refuse maybe later he may see it differently. Maybe you can help by giving him an outlet for his grief too a place to go - or a new tradition to start on those anniversarys - not necessarilly a grave or headstone but something else - a memorial tree,or a place with happy memories associated with his childhood where you can take a picnic and spend familly days - that way you are affirming the occasion but it doesnt need to be a sad ritual just a shared one.
Mostly give him the space he needs - but that doesnt mean not being there to support him - so for example if he is going to find an event like xmas difficult because they wont be there when they always have been before -allow him that - but suggest other ways you can spend that day without it being a disapointment for your children -or on the other hand he may feel the opposite and want to replicate their traditions - so go with the flow on that too but nearer the time ask him what he wants to do and if he doesnt know, sugest some ideas.
He is very lucky to have you and that you care so much and understand his being so devastated, you may be suprised the number of people whose spouses have difficulty understanding how much it affects their partners life - its probably been a huge shock for you too so dont neglect yourself either, even if you were not close too them they were still a part of your life too.
If he is able to talk to others - and now he has you and your children in his life it is different from when he self harmed before when perhaps he didnt have those choices , so by all means keep an eye on that but try not to worry too much, that when he says he wants to feel somehing else he necessarilly means physical pain from doing that - give him loads of hugs and re-assurance, but also sometimes we want to escape for a while by doing something new or something normal - so just as your children giving him projects helps. sometimes everyday stuff does - ask him to cook a meal, and do every day stuff - maybe plan a day out with the kids - he may want to talk about his grief but not all the time - Striking the balance between that, but at the same time not making him feel you are riding roughshod over his emotions isnt easy.
You could sugest he goes to the GP to ask about bereavement counselling or contacts a bereavement help group such as cruise if you think he would be receptive too that or there is any further signs that he will self harm.