Author Topic: Help the helper  (Read 2326 times)

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Offline Anna

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Help the helper
« on: August 03, 2018, 10:27:25 AM »
Hi. I wondered if anyone out there can give me some pointers. 
My husband died three months ago (while I was out of the country) and in brief we were homeless due to house sale the day before his death.  Friends were supportive and housed us while I looked for accommodation and now I am renting with my adult son.  Apart from the trauma of my husband's death, my son is I believe depressed, drinking a lot, and his behaviour can be erratic and at times aggressive.  I am at my wits end, treading on eggshells not to upset him.  He does not work and is dependent on me. I have tried to contact a bereavement charity in the hope of talking things through but unfortunately their waiting list is closed due to high demand.  Friends advise me to use 'tough love' on my son but frankly that makes things worse -  he cannot see and appears to not care about the hurt he is causing.  I feel I am drowning.  I have asked him to see a doctor but he refuses to go - even for his type 1 diabetes issues which is another cause of concern.  Any ideas??? -  particularly how to react to a depressive's moods which have worsened since his father's death - he also is grieving. 

Offline Karena

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Re: Help the helper
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2018, 11:26:15 AM »
 :hug: I wish i had answers for you but can only make sugestions - obviousely you are grieving yourself -and maybe if you find ways of coping with your grief he will follow, but its really difficult if he refuses to seek help or talk about it - does he have any mates or another relation he is close too, you could alert to your concerns - perhaps he wont talk to you because he fears it will upset you more.
Not dealing with his diabetes is a worry and is probably adding too his mood swings along with the alcahol which as you know will just be adding to the sugar level chaos.
If you havnt already done so contact your GP he may be able to help get some bereavement counselling for you and if you feel stronger you will be able to cope better with him.


Tough love - there are degrees of that - from throw him out - obviousely not an option, to encouraging him pull his weight - at least physically -so can you engage him that way - painting his room, doing the garden if you have one, taking the rubbish out etc - obviousely cooking is one thing you probably need  to be in charge of  to ensure at least his diet is as healthy as it can be - but that doesnt mean he cant take part in the process, and  things like washing his own clothes cleaning his room etc -
Doing everything for him might keep him sweet but he also needs to recognise he has a role to play in supporting you -maybe by giving the appearance of being the "strong one" you are undermining him, even though of course you dont mean too - but perhaps he needs you to lean on him sometimes, to give him the opportunity to step up in that role.

 Financially even if he isnt working he is getting money for his alcahol - if its from benefits can you reduce what he has to spend on it - so ask him for a percentage of it for his keep ? food, utility bills etc  - also dont keep any in the house -if you drink, tell him you know it increases depression and so you are not going to drink  as you feel it making you worse (open the opportunity to have the discussion about your grief and maybe he will talk about his)  - that way you are giving him a message but as though its you that has a problem with it - rather than that you are pointing a finger at him.

Finally - welcome  :hug: come back - use us as a place of sanctuary where you can write - because even the act of writing helps us deal with our emotions - and perhaps other here will have some sugestions or have been/are in a similar situation with a familly member.

Offline Anna

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Re: Help the helper
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2018, 11:55:20 AM »
Hi.  I'm sure you're right ..I need to lean on him as well and give him certain responsibilities....if only it was as easy as it sounds.  But I will act on this, thanks for the encouragement...it is so comforting to have.  Anna  :yahoo:

Offline Karena

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Re: Help the helper
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2018, 12:58:28 PM »
I know it isnt going to be easy none of this journey is -but we will be here for you. :hug:

Offline Anna

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Re: Help the helper
« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2018, 01:02:22 PM »
Thank you.  It helps just to know that  :hug:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Help the helper
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2018, 08:45:38 AM »
Three months is not long on the grief rollercoaster. I like karenas description of tough love, yes he needs some direction and guidance, and to contribute (which most certainly helps start to lift depression), but not the removal of love. (I sometimes think its hard for people who havent lost loved ones to understand the feelings a few months in. I know people around me seemed to forget and not understand why I might be down a little way into the journey)

Maybe there is a level of fear in his responses, his foundation has suddenly gone beneath him and possibly even fear of losing you too. Maybe that is where the anger, or possibly pushing away comes from.

How is the communication between you? Would you be able to suggest trying some breathing exercises? Using the breath can be so helpful in calming ourselves and being able to think clearly.  I can describe one which works well for me if you think that may help you or your son 

Hold on in there, like karena said you're not alone here  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Help the helper
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2018, 08:58:21 AM »
Its also really hard trying to support others whilst grieving yourself, I experienced that and it was so hard. This forum helped me cope
Make sure you have some time or space too, is there anywhere you can go, even just briefly where you could either have time to feel or empty your mind?  Perhaps journaling too, or tlc routine each day? Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx