Author Topic: Hurting  (Read 2316 times)

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Offline Twinkle

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Hurting
« on: August 07, 2018, 07:16:30 PM »
I try, when I look on this site everyday to think of something I could put which, just maybe help someone, but I can't, and I am sorry as I know others going through much more,  tonight i have been curled up in a ball sobbing for my Mum, it's nearly a year, she died on the 21st August, Dad died on the 22nd August 25 years earlier, I can't, and if am honest don't want to deal with it, I miss her so so much, nothing will ever be the same, and no one will love me like she did, I was with her in her final moments, I tried so hard to save her, then I told the paramedics to let her be,it was the right decision, but I just don't know how to keep going without her, and Dad too. Nightmares, pain, people keep telling me I can't ha g on to her, I just want her and Dad to reach down and pull me up to them....

Sorry, am just really hurting and don't know what to do

Offline Kes1968

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2018, 09:23:14 PM »
Hi twinkle, I’m so sorry to hear of your losses, I feel very much the same, I lost my mum in February and then yesterday I had my ageing sick dog put to sleep, hurts so much xxx I hope for both of us and others on here who have lost loved ones, that  it will get easier to deal with as time goes on, I’m sure it will, it doesn’t feel like it will now but I have to hope that it does, sending you warm hugs xxxx

Offline Karena

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2018, 10:17:12 AM »
 :hug: people who expect you to "let go" dont get it, - its not about letting go but learning to take them forward in our lives in a different way - we spent many years striving to make our parents proud -we can continue that in our daily lives, we went too them for advice but when you search your heart you know it is there - what they would have advised, we took them our troubles and again we still do because we think of them in those times.
But its also accepting that there will always be that  empty space next too us and sometimes it feels more empty than other times. There will always be grief triggers some we anticipate others come totally out of the blue. August is going to be a difficult month for you Twinkle because of those anniversarys its absolutely ok to go with those emotions regardless of what others around you might think.
Another expectation those who havnt been in this position have, is that year of grieving thing - a fake cultural blip created for the convenience of the Victorians and nothing like the reality is still embedded  and because others think like that we start to believe something is wrong with us and we should have "dealt with it" by now - it just isnt the case your grief is still young.

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2018, 05:49:40 PM »
Keys, I truly am so sorry for what you are going through, losing your Mum breaks you and then your dog, who is just as much part of the family must be awful, lime you I pray, us and others on this forum find peace, but as we know,it is hard, so hard...

Karena, your wise words always soothe me,  they stop me from feeling that it is an awful thing that I am replaying each day of August of last year in my mind, trying desperately to get it settled in my brain, but I can't, it hurts so much, this time last year she was alive, a little under the weather, but alive, andcoupled with that am going through the same thing with  Dad as memories of him dying in August flood in too, how can they have died so close together and yet 25 years apart... I remember everything so vividly  for both of them, and I don't know how to handle the pain anymore

Offline Karena

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2018, 12:47:25 PM »
Try and focus on doing something positive in their memory - trying to block it out, is for me anyway, impossible - but acknowleging their loss in a way which affirms it but involves doing something in terms of an action might help us to reduce the horror and pain.
  - For some this is visiting a grave with flowers - i dont have one and i dont think it would work for me, even if it does help for you  try and think of something more something which is meaningful to you in terms of their life rather than their loss.Is there somewhere you went too regually as a child, could you plant something,adopt a tree,adopt an animal they liked, name a star - go somewhere and re-do a walk you all went on -
I once found a laminated letter on the top of a hill from a daughter too her dad - it had obviousely been tied to a tree and blown off over time so i re-attached it but it was such a moving letter and  even as a complete stranger i learned something about him and his life and his loss not just to her but to the world - so his memory was passed on in a way she probably never intended but in a positive way too.
If you cant think of anything else and can bear it start a diary and write one here -we are here to read it and understand your loss but you could make them both into  people we will also know through your letter.Tell us about the way they looked the things they did,the fun times and the way they looked after you as parents and in telling us maybe you will also focus on something different too those visions.
We are all the sum of our whole lives and no matter how we leave the world it is just a moment of that life, i can only speak for myself but surely we wouldnt want to be remembered just for that part of it and only with the pain that it left our loved ones with. :hug:.

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2018, 06:17:56 PM »
Thank you so much, it is impossible for me to blot out, and I don't want too, but the hardest part is not being able to share how am feeling with anyone, as am told not to dwell on it etc, but for me, and I learnt this with Dad dying 25 years ago  I have to go over and over it,  after Dad died I eventually had a nervous breakdown as I was trying to conform, I steeped myself to be different this time, but I underestimated people's expectations...
I do visit their grave anyway, I like to make sure it is clean, and looked after, I am having two fresh poses made for them this year, I truly.y don't know how I will bear it,...i have taken the week off and my intention is to go out on the two days to somewhere we went when I was a child, but I am suffering badly with anxiety and depression and can't always manage it. I named a star for them for Christmas, and I bought a plant called mothers day, on mother's day, I write an awful lot of stuff down,  emotions, anger etc, I would not want people to have to put up with my childhood ramblings on here but I get what you are saying, I have many many happy memories, which of course are tinged with raw pain at the minute too, I love the laminated letter, maybe I could do that, or just write one and place it somewhere....

Offline Kes1968

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2018, 07:45:56 PM »
 :hug: :hearts: big hugs twinkle, And thanks karena, that last thing that you said really struck a chord with me, harry and my mum wouldn’t want me to remember them in sorrow, they’d want me to think about positive things and times we shared, thanks for that xxx

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2018, 09:59:19 PM »
Something that helped me twinkle, was to write/draw on a pebble, hold it with my thoughts then throw it into the sea and then watch the waves.  Felt I was sending out the message I needed to send whilst the environment also being soothing
Anniversaries are hard, take it day by day, try not to anticipate the days, just face them as you get there
I wholly recommend trying some breathing exercises to help with the anxiety and depression too xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2018, 08:51:15 PM »
I have been given some guidelines for breathing exercises so I will try, I know I have to find a way through this but am not sure I can...

Offline Philb

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2018, 04:10:37 PM »
Hi,

I’m sorry for the pain you are going through. There isn’t a rule book that says at 6 months you should feel this and at 12 months you should feel that. Whatever feelings you have are completely valid and there’s no such thing as “letting go” or “coming to terms with it”. Some people come to terms with their situation quickly, others take years, and that’s fine. It’s not a race or a competition, and it’s ok to feel bad or down or whatever, and if there are days, or even just minutes when you feel a bit more cheerful that’s fine too.

The journey we all take is unique to each of us, and different for every person we grieve for. I came to terms with the loss of my parents quite quickly, but it’s taken many years to start to work on my feelings for my wife’s death.

This won’t be much help right now, but while grief is a spikey painful creature that causes you pain every chance it gets those spikes do wear down in time. Never going to go away entirely, but you learn to accommodate grief into your life. You can’t ever show it the door, but you can arrange the furniture around it. But that will take as long as it takes and grief refuses to be rushed.

Phil.