Author Topic: My Story  (Read 1508 times)

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Offline Lins

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My Story
« on: September 21, 2018, 03:52:55 PM »
Hi, new to this.
My Story
Lost my partner suddenly in a motorbike accident 4 months ago now. Initially intense grief with lots of family and friends around to help. 8 weeks later had to have a partial knee replacement so still had lots of support. Now 8 weeks later I am finding myself lost and although family and friends are still there I don’t feel I can call on them when I’m upset, lonely, or all the other emotions that are still whirring around. I still need all those hugs that were so readily given but can’t ask for them now. Friends have got on with life like I knew they would, I’ve read lots, know all the stages but it doesn’t help.
The only stage I haven’t got to yet is anger although I feel I should as it was the drivers fault and she was not fit to drive. Still waiting to hear when this goes to court. I want to see her, to see she’s sorry, but how will I feel if she shows no remorse. Perhaps the anger will come then.
I don’t know what I want from this forum but I’m hoping that someone has been there and can give me some hope.

Offline rdsm

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Re: My Story
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2018, 09:26:16 PM »
Hi   Lins
I am finding things more difficult now as l seem to be missing him more & realising he wont be coming back.
I hope you & l can find the strength to get through this


Offline Emz2014

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Re: My Story
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2018, 08:50:43 AM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
Unfortunately that is so common, people are around soon after a loss but then drift back to their lives.  Especially when they havent lost someone themselves, they have no idea how long bereavement takes  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: My Story
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2018, 11:49:44 AM »
 :hug: we can offer virtual hugs which i know are not the same but are freely available for as long s you need and genuinly meant -

Anger is an odd one - i tended all my life to internalise it and make everything my fault and that gets mixed up with guilt and becomes depression - but what i did find was a long time after my husband died, the new person i had become, is more angry -
I found myself having to walk really quickly up the hill behind my house when new neighbours really annoyed me because that was the only way i could get rid of this weird (for me) energy that was angry.I found bottle banks had a whole new meaning - a place i could legitimately break glass I do think that the anger is there because of grief, even though it isnt directly linked too his death.

If this woman wasnt fit to drive and there is going to be a court case then it would be a mistake to approach her at all - it could jeopardise the case - you may be offered the chance to make an impact statement along with his familly and that might help you to make your feelings about what happened clear to her  in a legal way.
Remorse is not always easy to judge whether it is real or not -

On the one hand - in a court situation some-one who is devastated by what they have done - may appear to not be remorseful because they are so afraid, because they have nightmares about it etc and they have to face up to what they have done and the people they have hurt - they may cut their own feelings off in order to stop themselves having emotional outbursts in court, they may have been prescibed prozac or something similar, which also affects their behaviour and makes them seem in control and without emotion.

On the other and some-one who is not really remorseful may put on an act to avoid a prison sentance -and regret only that they lose their licence etc - the oscar pretorious style of acting in court was very different too his behaviour outside it -  so how would you know whether it was real remorse or whether lack of it in court wasnt how she really was feeling - only her future behaviour over future years will give you a proper indication of whether she is really remorseful.

I wonder whether there is a more positive way to channel anger should it arrive - I,m over the neighbours -but instead use the anger to campaign for other and more important things.
You dont say in what way she was unfit to be driving - if it was drink or drugs then thats a direction to focus anger in and turn it into something more positive so maybe some-one else will think twice about doing it and destroying another persons life.
But this isnt the time for that, - for now take each day a day at a time, come back and write - we will be here for you for as long as you need - but also i think maybe if you can talk to just one of your familly or one friend, and ask for that hug you will find that there are people who do want to be there for you still, they just dont know how too and are waiting for you to take the lead - i know you shouldnt have too, but it is all too often the way. :hug:

Offline Lins

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Re: My Story
« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2018, 11:55:23 AM »
Thank you for lovely and thought provoking replies. Karena you have definitely given me some honest truths that I had not thought about. You kinda presume often that everyone feels like you would feel if you had killed someone due to your negligent actions. I would not be able to live with it. But as you say people can be false. That dreadful night that I was told and didn’t know all the details I actually said to the policeman “oh that poor woman”.   . Then later I learnt she had taken prescription medication and illegal drugs aswell.
Your virtual hugs are very much appreciated, just writing things down I think helps. Weekends seem to be the worst time for me and now the week has started I’m in a more positive frame of mind.
I know certain things will always bring tears, looking at the stars, seeing certain motorbikes, certain songs etc etc but I have to remind myself that he would tell me not to be so daft.
Thank you for the warm welcome.
Lins  :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: My Story
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2018, 01:58:39 PM »
 :hug: dont forget  lack of remorse is just one of the  possibilitys though, i think the thing i was trying to say is is that you can,t always tell whats in some-ones heart especially in a court situation.

I think weekend do tend to be harder - i guess because those were the times we had full days together,and you are right there will always be things that bring tears - sometimes those tears are needed,sometimes they are triggered by happy memories and you may find yourself smiling or laughing and crying at the same time,but  i think reminding yourself of what he would have said - is a way we can start to keep them with us - in a different way to them actually being here of course,but a more indefinable way of still being in touch. :hug: