I AM A WIDOW ... I am STUCK ... COMPLICATED GRIEF!!

[blackwidow2017]

 

Hello

My Husband Keith died suddenly in March 2017, he was the best, my soulmate, this was my 3rd marriage (and last, there can be no one else, no one can every take his place) my two previous marriages were abusive 1st physically and 2nd mentally, I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression (for over 45 years now), we have 2 sons one is 16 the other 18, my sons are the only reason I am here, I know I could not go on...the only reason I am still living is for my 2 sons, they cant lose both parents !! 

Its getting to be very very difficult getting through each day (putting it very mildly),  lastweek I went to a grief session (my 1st and last) I just cant go through it again, especially now I associated the place with my agony and pain ... explaining yet again to a total stanger what I have been through and talking through everthing yet again its  just too hearbreaking ...

My husband devistatingly died suddenly, 4 months later I had to have a total hysterectomy (I only stayed in hospital overnight as I wanted to get back home so 'forced' myself to get up and around to get back home ... then my father in law died (cancer), then Reeko our loyal husky/malamute had to be put down due to old age, ... then our (rented) bungalow needed major works... ripping our lives apart yet again over and over!!...

I cant take anymore, I am in absolute pain and torture 24/7 I cant sleep and cant stop breaking down and bursting into tears....

Normal life is bad enough but when things go wrong ... it cant be put into words...

I know I have Complicated Grief ontop being in agony with physical pain 24/7 from arthritis, oesteoporosis, spondylosis, etc!!! 

I have been through hell and still suffering ...

I am not religious and do not believe in a god! ... but I do believe something .. I know we dont just die and that is it ... the end ... our 'lifeforce/energy' just does not disappear! ...

My childhood wasnt a good happy one neither thats were my anxiety and depression  began!!

My husband was cremated (fortunately he told  he wanted this just a month before he died in a conversation we had as I said I was afraid of dying as I was afraid of what happened afterwards and didnt know what to do myself burial or cremation (due to complications and needing a total hysterectomy) ..that is when he told me)...
 
I have Keith on a small shelf in a small wooden coffin urn with pictures of him and his and our farourite things and momentos around the shelf, I talk to him all the time and I know be has been helping and protecting us like our guardian angel I can 'feel' his presence and know he is still around us... (I also had a tattoo done, in his memory on my chest next to my heart).

I do not know what to do ... 'complicated' doesnt really describe my grief it is much, much worse!!
 

[Karena]

Hi  I am also a widow. If it isnt too late my advice would be to try the counselling again - the first two seesions i had  -i felt worse when i came out than when i went in, and didnt want to go back - but in a sense that was the only choice i cant physically take anti dpressants etc and  in the end they did help - there is no cure for grief  they cant take it away - but my counsellor did help me make sense of some of the emotions and show me a different perspective which helped me to start thinking in a different way - like you i dont follow a religion and like you i think of him as still being present but in a different way from when he was alive - the counsellor never questioned that but accepted my beliefs so it wasnt a fight of that kind - but i was fighting myself - what was the point if i was going to sit and cry then leave - but really the point was i was sitting and crying and only when i had done that was i able to start putting my life back together a bit.

 In a way given your previous life i think he was always your guardian angel - just as my husband was -(also called Keith) because he taught me that there was real love in the world -through his love for me - and even though they have been taken from us i think by learning of that love we remain stronger people even when they have moved on - but finding that strength is a long tiring journey and we have some pretty big mountains to climb - but we can climb them one step at a time.

[blackwidow2017]

Thank you 

[Sandra61]

I am so sorry to hear of all you have been through and are continuing to go through. You sound like a very strong and determined lady and your Keith sounds like he was a lovely husband to you. This process of grief is probably the hardest thing we every have to go through and  I know you can do without all the added problems you have been having to deal with. I am sure Keith would be very proud of you for persevering with everything so since he passed away and am sure he is still watching over you. I know my dad stayed around after he died for a while.

It is still early days for you since Keith passed away and it is always a shock to lose someone you love and then have to go through all the difficulties of readjustment that happen in your life as a result and it sounds like you have had so many other problems as well. Please be kind to yourself and patient. You are under a lot of stress and will need a lot of time to come to terms with everything. Your pain is clearly still very raw. If there is something you enjoy doing, try spending a couple of hours a week doing that to help take you out of yourself and to help you focus on something else. It might help a little and I think is one of the things that helped me not to get stuck in my grief. It was a way of striving to survive for me.

If you need to talk, we are all good listeners here and the live chat in the evenings can be quite helpful too. I will be thinking of you and wish you all the very best, but I know from experience that this is a path you can only walk slowly, taking little steps and at times that is easier than at others, but you need to keep going and don't give up! But you don't sound the type of person to do that, so keep strong.

All best wishes, Sandra xx