Memories

[Evab]

Hi thank u v much for yr replies. It's hard not to fix on the things should have done or should have said ... The thoughts just keep invading my brain at the most inopportune moments. Speaking to the bank manager to name but one. I feel guilty that I couldn't make James's last 3 months happy. He was in denial and didn't want to speak or do anything fun, he just kept trying to do stuff but ending up with it all half done. It was his attitude that caused issues with my daughter, she  wanted to take him out, make good memories, but all he wanted to do was lecture her on what she should do with her  life. It was a week of  hell but It still feels like an elephant sitting on my chest. I miss his presence but I feel so bad that I don't miss the constant non stop lectures of how to do stuff :( I wish I had better memories. X

[Emz2014]

It must be very hard to process everything in the last few weeks/months if you know you have a serious illness, fear amongst many other emotions is bound to take over. Try and remember that you all did your best at the time, it's all we can ever do - do our best.  And at the root of any of the emotions or actions was a deep love/caring. (frustration etc will have come from that too, if you trace it right back) you all deeply loved each other and knew it deep down

Not the same but I know I struggled a bit with the relationship with my nan near when we lost her, she became very angry she wasn't able to do stuff, and seemed nothing we did was good enough (if we visited and made a drink, it was never made right)  I found that so difficult and it did make me a bit distant.  But I know she was just frustrated and likely scared, and the end doesn't change the wonderful memories and relationship we had

  xx

[Evab]

You are so right that the fear/denial can overwhelm when you know the time is so short. I really did try my best, but still had to walk away at times as the tears fell not just at the inevitability of it all, but at the often cutting remarks and impossible demands. The hospice staff were amazing as they saw how bad it could get and were constantly supportive. I am still crying but I think it is more the loss of what I wanted it to be rather than the loss of what it was in the end. I should have been able to cope better tho, as I had 30 years of practice - he was a difficult man to please... but as an old friend has said life is never straightforward and the love was surely there to make it thru together for so long. Thank you for replying. I am feeling very confused.

[Emz2014]

The bereavement journey is truly a rollercoaster and can be so confusing.  Be gentle with yourself, it will gradually get easier to cope  xx