Author Topic: Pending loss of mum  (Read 2041 times)

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Offline Rocket

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Pending loss of mum
« on: March 06, 2019, 04:29:14 PM »
Hi

My mum is I’ll & isn’t going to be here much longer.

I’m struggling with it & cant really cope.

I’m 49yo Male.

I feel so guilty for everything I never did, didn’t give her enough time, not enough phone calls.

I can’t live without her.

I never realised how much I love her & now it’s too late.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Pending loss of mum
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2019, 07:23:28 AM »
It's a scary time,  so much of our lives we never even register there may be a time without our parents. Having lost my dad suddenly I can truly say it tore out the foundations under my feet

Try to focus on each day,  don't let tomorrows fears take away from spending time with your mum - try and make the most of the time together as you can.   Bereavement is a rollercoaster journey,  which is undeniably painful but you're not alone here.  It will feel terrifying but hold on and you will make it  :hearts:  try your best to take it one day at a time xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Pending loss of mum
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2019, 09:10:28 AM »
Hello,

So sorry to hear about your mum. It's easy to take a parent for granted. I think we are all guilty of doing that to some extent, so don't beat yourself up about it too much. It is likely that they will have been the same way about their own parents and so will understand that it is not unkindly meant or that you don't appreciate them. They have been there all our lives and you get used to that and find it hard to imagine them not being there. Even when you know it is going to happen, it is still a shock when it does and nothing like you imagined it might be, so however hard you can try to prepare yourself for it, it will never be enough.

Your mum is still here though, so it isn't yet too late. You still have time to show her how much she means to you. The best you can do now is to try to set your own fears aside during the time she has left and make her the priority until she is gone. Make sure you put her first, do whatever you need to do to make her happy and comfortable and say all the things you need to say to eachother. Spend as much time as you can with her and don't be shy about telling her how much you love her. It doesn't matter how embarrassed you might feel, just say whatever you need to say anyway. Just try to make sure that you do whatever you need to do to be able to feel that you have no regrets about this period of her life, once she is gone.  That way you will know you did everything you could and said all you needed to say.

I know you say you feel you can't cope, but this is likely to be the hardest thing any of us will ever to go through, so it is normal to feel like this. It is normal to be terrified of losing someone, but sadly no one gets to keep their parents with them forever. You will cope until she is gone, because you must. Don't add to the strain by blaming yourself for what has happened in the past, or by trying to imagine the future. That will come soon enough and you can worry about that then. Just concentrate on making the most of the present. I found my mum wanted to look at old photos and reminisce, needed me to take her tea and whatever was nice that she could eat a little of, but mostly just needed me to be there talking to her and holding her hand. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to live through, so I expect it will be for you too.

It annoyed me how much I cried before my mum died, during her last few months, but this I understand now is because you begin to grieve the loss when you know it is coming, even though it has not happened yet. It sounds from your email like this is what you are experiencing. I know how much of a strain that is, but you will get through it, unbearable as it is.

Live in the moment for now. Do whatever she needs you to do. Make the most of the time you have left with her and let tomorrow take care of itself. Sending you a big hug. You are not alone in feeling as you do. Sadly we have all been there... :hug:  :hearts:

Offline Rocket

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Re: Pending loss of mum
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2019, 05:32:00 PM »
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I’m so tired. I’ve been at the hospital everyday from 9am until 8pm. No work being done & as im self employed there’s no money but that’s ok I don’t mind, as long as I buy food I’m ok.

My mums not eating & so she’s getting weaker. I buy ensure plus shakes and try to give her 2 a day as that’s 600 calories. The hospital seem ok with letting her have water only but I’m not too happy with that. She needs some calories otherwise she’s being starved althouyher appetite hasn’t been great for ages.

I’m still hurting over this. Some hours are ok then I’m back to being a mess.

I tried to ask her if she’d like to go home. I’m prepared to sleep there st night. I’ll do anything I can if she’s just 1% happier.

The hospital want to discharge her.

Worst time of my life.

Thanks again

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Pending loss of mum
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2019, 10:52:29 PM »
Oh, I am so sorry. This all sounds so familiar. It is almost unbearable, I know. I did the hospital trips for weeks when my mum was there. I hated leaving and often stayed way past visiting hours. They didn't seem to mind if I was very quiet and mum found it reassuring. I hated having to leave her there. I was working on trying to get her home when it became clear she was not going to survive and by then, if I am honest, I think she would have been too weak to survive the journey anyway.

If you want to  get your mum home, you need to see her GP and they can help you arrange that and arrange for her to have a Marie Curie nurse to look after her at home, along with any equipment that might be needed for her. You don't have to do everything yourself. She would probably need the nursing care anyway. The nurse would be able to administer any medicines your mum might need. If this is something she would like, I would say do it. Hospital is horrible. But do it sooner rather than later, as she might become too weak to make it home otherwise, as my mum did. If I regret anything, it was that she ended up passing away in there. I would have done anything to get her home. I kept promising her I would get her home, but that was one promise I ended up having to break and that hurts me still.

I wouldn't worry that you feel a mess. I know I was. I struggled to hold it together all the time I was with her and whenever I was at home, just dissolved into floods of tears. I rather think being a mess whilst you are going through all this is sadly par for the course. Maybe there are stronger people out there, but I am certainly not one of them.

I felt like you do in regard to getting food into my mum. She too needed the nourishment whilst there was any chance of recovery. The hospital doctors didn't seem too bothered whether she got food or not. They did record how much she managed to eat in her notes at each meal and how much she drank throughout the day, but i felt I needed to be there at meal times to try to coax her to try a little something. The staff were too stretched to be able to help much with this. I took in anything soft and easy to swallow. Sometimes that worked and she would have some. Home cooked food was always more appetising than hospital food. I bought two food flasks and took her soup, or stew made with mince, or ice cream or lemon meringue pie, custard - just anything that she might try. Her favourite thing was coffee, milky coffee that I always used to make for her at home. She would always want that.

The hospital will want to discharge her. They are under constant pressure to free up beds. Stand your ground if you don't think that she should leave hospital yet. You need to decide what you feel is best for her and have time to prepare for that if you are going to bring her home. You may find it better for her to go to a hospice or somewhere though. These are massively hard decisions to make, but don't be pushed by the staff. Just work things out in your own time. You know your mum best and you probably know how she is better than they do too. It's you sitting with her all those hours.

I am so very sorry. I know all about what you are going through only too well. Sending strength and a massive hug, pet.  :hearts: