Author Topic: Never-ending  (Read 2237 times)

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Offline dizzylizzy

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Never-ending
« on: November 13, 2018, 01:51:33 PM »
Hey everyone, I’m really here again as I really need to talk about my grief and I just feel like a burden that drags everyone else down. It’s been 2 years 9 months since my mum died. For some reason this past month  I feel demented. I am desperate to have my mum back. I’m tormented by the past and have resorted to reading and rereading the conversations I have saved on messenger and pouring over photos. My life has completely changed since she died. I used to go there everyday and I have been forced to reinvent my whole life. I have done well. My mum would be proud but I still just feel so sad.  My kids are 5 and 3 and we’re just 2.5 and 6months old when mum died suddenly. I’ve tried so hard to live on for them but recently I just feel like I just want to curl up and cry. I still have my dad and have him across as much as he likes but I find it hard to go to my mum and dads house, even now. It’s still awful that she’s not there. I had a health scare recently and had to go back to the hospital where mum I watched mum get put on, and ultimately off, life support and take her last breath. I’m so glad I was with her and it was peaceful in the end but also still traumatic. It’s triggered this intense sadness. I keep reliving what I did and don’t do or what I could or would of done differently. I can’t shake it off. I have no one to talk to as I just feel no one wants to hear unhappy chat ;( how can it still feel so raw. I cry in bed at night as it’s the only chance I get to grieve. But I’m tired of grieving now. How can I let go. Maybe I should delete the conservations I have stored and everything else but I just can’t :(
« Last Edit: November 13, 2018, 02:11:49 PM by dizzylizzy »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Never-ending
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2018, 09:07:29 PM »
It can be so hard when something triggers our grief  :hearts: having a health scare would have shaken you, and lowered your coping ability, especially going to the same hospital too.  It is such a rollercoaster, we dont get off it but the twists and turns become easier to recover from, and the ride generally gets easier with the occasional dip. You will be able to cope again.   :hearts:

Be gentle with yourself, you've had a shock with the scare and are naturally wanting to reach out to your mum.  Can you create a comforting place, where you can feel you can talk to your mum? Or maybe write it in a letter/s to her?  I find it can be soothing to visit my dads plaque, just sit a while and talk to him or sit and think

I've got all the phone messages saved with my dad. I find if I'm feeling too delicate I wont look at them, but they can be comforting when I am feeling stronger

Have you got something you could work towards in her memory? Maybe volunteering or something? Or learning/following a passion you've always had. The only way we can keep moving forward is to build our lives up around the grief and find meaning. A couple of years after losing my dad I started retraining and that has helped me alot as it feels it has more purpose and I know he'd be proud xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Never-ending
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2018, 12:26:11 PM »
I dont think you should delete them unless you want too - why should you - but i might consider actually writing down the ones that are special partly because they could get lost in a tehnology blip but also i am thinking your children were too young to know her -but that doesnt mean they shouldnt know her through your memorys - so maybe those memorys could go into a memory box for them - with some photos or other bits and pieces - because those conversations give clues about some-one - so if a message evokes a memory - a good memory for you then you will focus more on that - and sharing that by doing it with the children makes her into a more real figure for them - but also sharing that we remember people with sadness that they left but with smiles that they brought when they were here -is ok, you are arming them for the future when they also encounter grief.I dont mean sit them down and ramble for hours but start by creating the box - make it something about her or special - maybe decoupage it in some way and let the children join in - and then every so often sit down add something more and go through what is already there. MAybe the children could make her a picture or a card - so you are not just remebering her but in the future remembering them with her, through spending that special time with them as they draw paint or stick - if that makes sense.
It might feel counterproductive when you are trying so hard not to become emotional but sometimes it is ok to let children know that being sad isnt forbidden.Three of my grandchildren were not born when their grandad died but by keeping him alive in the sense of who he was in life, to those who were, they have passed that down to the younger ones. One of them said to me i am sad i cant see the grandad in heaven but i know he was nice when he was here  because he has a hairy smiley face - i didnt know whether to laugh about the hairy bit or cry about the sentiment but overall i think it was a lovely moment.

This is an emotional roller coster journey - i found myself bursting into tears over a stupid christmas carol 11 years after my mum died -and shocked myself by that - but it happens and we shouldnt beat ourselves up about it.None of us want our children to be sad, but we dont want them to forget us either -whether thats through smiles or occasionally tears as long as they end in smiles - which it did - the smile of irony because i thought i was over it - and the smile of memory of her learning to play that carol on the piano for a school nativity and some definitely un infant school teacher like langusge as she did so. :hug:

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Never-ending
« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2018, 12:28:22 AM »
I wouldn't delete anything, DizzyLizzy. I wish I had such things to cherish! I can't say much more than Emz and Karena already have. They have made some very good suggestions. I would say that in regard to letting go, I found it helpful to step away from my grief for a couple of hours a week at least. i joined a class so that I had to get out of the house and amongst some new people and I found that helped. It meant I had to think about something else for a while instead of focussing on my own feelings and that has helped me. I think this is a long process and an exhausting one and I no longer expect it to keep on getting better and just accept that there will be bad days and weeks, but also know that there will better ones too. I hope you find something that helps you with this process. in the meantime, we are always here to listen and chat, no matter how unhappy the chat is! All best wishes! xx