Author Topic: feeling stuck and unable to let go.  (Read 1455 times)

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Offline Treece

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feeling stuck and unable to let go.
« on: March 19, 2018, 08:57:42 PM »
Sorry to unload..but can I please? I've thought occasionally about ringing a bereavement line but havent done yet as I know no one can do anything but all I want to do is talk about my dad but also know that it will make me cry.I could burst into tears at the drop of a hat and walk about crying at work(in secret) home, anywhere.Its a year next month since my dad died, following my mum after 5 years and he was 90 for goodness sake..not as if it was sudden or he was young.But he was my last parent and I rang him every day and told him everything I was doing, even what I was cooking for tea and he validated my life I guess.I miss that so much.He had a long life and was only ill for 3 months..never ill in his life until then.So why am I so obsessed and focused on those ladt painful weeks? My daughters would say we did everything we could..he hated being dependant and what he felt was a nuisance..and they have no idea how I feel.I cant burden them for no good reason and as they say, he had a good life and was ready to go.But I blame myself.If I had noticed and acted earlier when his pain started.If I had phoned the doctor and community nurse more often about his medication.I know in truth its nonsense..it was cancer and nothing could save him plus I was recovering from cancer, radiotherapy and two ops so not strong.He didnt know about the cancer.I was with him when he died but I wasnt holding his hand.He had had a terrible morning and was sleeping fitfully and I didnt want to wake him.I was talking on the phone to my daughter and I looked up and he was gone.I know that but I blame myself for it.If I lay on my back in bed I think thats how he was looking when he had died.On and on it goes..sudden images of him in his last days saying he wanted to die and all the pain he was in.He hated complainers so I know he wad in real pain.I think about him throughout the day..it just comes and takes my breath away.I have no one to tell..friends who've lost parents werent that close and gave moved past it.When does this lessen and the good times and smiles come back and I'm happy remembering the good times? There were so many but all I see is loss far into the future, maybe the rest of my life.Maybe living alone and facing a life and death situation myself I need him and all my childhood remeniscences that we shared and now gone.I dont see how I can go on grieving at this level.I feel all my past is gone, yet all I do is think of the past continually.Sorry I'm rambling..
« Last Edit: March 19, 2018, 09:15:57 PM by Treece »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: feeling stuck and unable to let go.
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2018, 09:55:07 PM »
The forum is a good place to unload, to be able to say what we think and how we feel, and know that people understand  :hearts:
Its a rollercoaster journey. As time passes the level of pain/intensity will ease.  There will be times it will come back for a bit with more intensity, often when we are facing hard times in our lives, but gradually over time we find the easier days grow in number between the bad.
Have you considered accessing some counselling, to give you the opportunity to talk about how you feel and help you to change your focus away from those last days?  It you think about a book, we dont focus on the full stop at the end we remember all the rich details and wonderful memories throughout the story, that journey has so much more value. Our loved ones can live on through us by us carrying on with the lessons they taught us, the beliefs and values they taught us. You could pop and have a chat with your Dr or access some counselling through Cruse.
Meanwhile, we are always here if you want to unload and chat.  Maybe you might find writing daily might help? We have had members write to their loved ones each day, telling them what has happened etc.  Maybe you might find that helpful?

You say you live alone, it could be that this has heightened a feeling of loneliness after losing both parents.  Have you got some close friends you could plan to see in your evenings?  Are you getting out and about? Coming out of winter doesnt help, I think we often stay indoors more and arent out and about in nature as much

Keep talking with us.  We often need to talk about our loss, sometimes more than once, to help us process our loss xx

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Treece

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Re: feeling stuck and unable to let go.
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2018, 11:12:51 PM »
Thank you for your kind reply.I do go out a lot..I work and socialize.At the moment I'm out four or five nights a week and my calendar is full but I feel wherever I am that I carry this with me like a secret.I think its a long wait here for counselling and dont want medication if I can help it as have enough of that since my cancer.I guess it feels wrong to grieve so as people just say ah well he was a good age which he was and he would hate me feeling sad.I do talk to him and can imagine his replies exactly.Thank you for your kind message.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: feeling stuck and unable to let go.
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2018, 07:10:40 AM »
Give yourself permission to grieve, it's totally natural. It's hard when others haven't lost loved ones, and also even when they have everyones journey is different so they can't say you are wrong to be grieving the way you are just because they have had a different journey themselves.  Increase the TLC you show yourself, maybe if you feel you've given yourself permission to grieve you might find the rollercoaster journey moves on a little? (maybe part of you is fighting it)

Maybe keep a diary here, we are here if you need or want a response, maybe then it won't feel like something secret you are carrying with you.

In the second year after losing my dad I did alot of reading, searching for meaning, trying to find a way to live with that void. For me, I found a couple of books about Buddhism really helped. Im not religious but took certain things from it which has helped me so much. I find being more present in the current moment has helped me alot

Is there anything you've always wanted to do or try? Just wondering if maybe finding something new to try, in memory of your dad, might possibly help.  A couple of years after I lost my dad I started retraining and I knew my dad would be proud and that helped to motivate me. You can validate your own life, I keep a little notepad where I write down achievements and things I've done, sometimes we need to have it written down so we pause and acknowledge these things and feel good about it.  I also have a page I keep a list of new things I'd like to try. Compound bow archery is on there at the moment!   :hearts: Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Treece

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Re: feeling stuck and unable to let go.
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2018, 07:32:18 AM »
Thank you..I like the idea of keeping note of achievements.I very much liked his validation so thats a good point.I guess with a parent you feel they always care and are interested in what you do no matter how small and theres no one to share the every day stuff with.Its been a very long climb back since I had two cancers two years ago and I'm not there yet.Food for thought.Thank you.