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Offline normajane

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first post
« on: April 03, 2018, 10:39:51 PM »
I am looking for people to talk to who might understand where I am.  My husband died in January.  He had recently been diagnosed with mobility problems and doctors failed to pick up that he had heart problems as well.  He was ill, then in intensive care, then, suddenly dead.  In recent years, since we retired, we had been talking about care we might need, living wills, etc. but this was all theoretical, I had thought we still had a good few years to enjoy.  And I am angry that we don't, and guilty that I didn't make him take better care of himself, and that I didn't realise there may be other problems that caused him to slow down, not just joint problems.  Meanwhile I feel lost with too many empty hours to fill and just existing, marking time.  I have children but they have their own lives and I am reluctant to impose on them too much.  I have good neighbours but it is now 2 months and no longer on their agendas.  I have joined an exercise class as suggested by just about everyone and the doctor is offering pills.  I haven't plucked up courage to go to the local Cruse group.  I am feeling as if I have lost several layers of skin and feel very vulnerable.  When ever someone says something kind to me I start crying and I find this embarrassing for me and for them.  So I try for a chirpy Fine thanks and move on.  I don't know whether this forum will help but thought it worth a try.  Thank you for reading.   

Offline Norma

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Re: first post
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2018, 07:56:42 AM »
Im so sorry to hear of your loss hun, sending you a welcome   :hug: and i hope you can find some comfort from the group xx
Its been a rough week but i made it. How about you 💐

Offline sallymk1

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Re: first post
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2018, 01:47:49 PM »
Hi Normajane,

So sorry for your loss. Unfortunately you sound very much like the rest of us on here. Especially those who seem to have spent much of the time with their partners and have not developed a social circle, as you say we have friends and neighbours but they go back to there lives . Well done for trying the new things but please take things easy. You will be exhausted, grieving is very tiring.
You have the guilt and the anger, this is normal too. You most likely could not have done anything to get hubby to take better care of himself. The more you tried the less effective it would be. Sadly theres little point in going over these things and being consumed with emotions that will not alter  the outcome but will make you feel worse. I wish I done a million things differently but I don't want to go back to the dark days of the illness to see if I can get it right as it certainly would not have altered the outcome. However everyone understands where these feelings are coming from. I'm not much further on than you and are still struggling, I still tear up if someone says something nice from time to time.
It is yourself you need to concentrate on now. Try to eat sensibly, you won't have much of an appetite, and try to rest even though sleep may be difficult. Take each day, each hour as it comes. As for the lonliness I wish I had the answer to that one. Finding myself practically Jilly no mates after 13 weeks. When I feel better - if I ever do I will find out whats available locally for social activities for singles. In the meanwhile I get through, cry a lot, sometimes very loudly. I don't scare the dogs any more though as they've sort of got used to it now.
Sending you peace for today and warm wishes for a better tomorrow for us all.
Sallymk1 aka Pam



Offline Karena

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Re: first post
« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2018, 02:29:34 PM »
 :hug: welcom too the forum .
My husband died of a stroke and i also had a lot of guilt over not making sure he lived more healthily.Guilt is part of grief and we will always find a way to feel guilty about something -all those what if i did, what if i said i doubt there is anyone on this site who has not experienced that.
7 years on i have come to terms with guilt, partly because i have realised that there is an extent to which  they as adults were also responsible for their health as much as anyone ever can be.
In my case the relatively healthy food i was providing was being supplemented with less healthy lunches while i was at work. But that isnt to say i blame him either i dont, because guilt and blame undercut the real and loving relationship we had, and that sneaking the odd pork pie under the radar was part of his persona -the cheeky grin when presented with the evidence like a school boy was the way he was and part of what i loved about him just as the risk of being a "nag" would have changed me into some-one else.

When he had the first stroke, it presented as a migraine -something he had suffered from all his life -the difference was, this one was prolonged, which is why he went too the GP who did all the standard stroke tests and even he still wasnt sure but sent him to hospital as a precaution.
He only went to the GP at all on my insistance -should i have insisted earlier, Like you with hindsight i can say yes, but like you i dont posess hindsight and i didnt see beyond the known ailments. so if the medics dont spot something how could we possibly do so. What i do know is that you and i acted in the only way we could  with only the best intentions at the time,based on what we knew, and could not have forseen what happened.

It is quite normal for general people around us to tailor off back too their daily lives -and yes our children have lives too and we dont want to make their lives harder -but they have lost a parent and one of the ways they cope with that is to become extra vigilant and caring about the remaining one, so while none of us ever want to become a "burden" too our children -perhaps giving them the opportunity to care for us a little bit  is also helping them. I think there is a fine balance between being a burden and excluding them - -just when we dont need any kind of further brain fog too unscramble.

I couldnt take pills but did receive bereavement counselling -it doesnt cure grief, nothing does, but it helps you to balance things a bit and look at things slightly differently.
 One of things mine said was that by not following up on offers to help we reject a present that someone is holding out too us just as we would if we gave them back a parcel wrapped in pretty paper -and if it was some-one we loved  would we see their distress as a burden or would we genuinly want to help them and if they rejected a present we  offered we would feel very hurt.So even though it is easier to do the i,m fine routine sometimes letting some-one in can be good too - it doesnt have to be -please can we talk about my loss but please come and have a coffee -do you fancy a shopping trip etc.Conversations move slowly from what we lost to what we had. Sharing anecdotes reminds us of that -and there does come a point when you want them to still be in the convesation because to not speak their name would be more awful than speaking it and laughing,even when that laughter may still quickly become tears.

I didnt have group counselling dont think it would have been for me but i was terrified even of one to one bereavement counselling before i got there and the first two weeks of that i was ready to chuck in the towel but then it did start to feel better rather than worse after a session. But people here have been to cruse group councelling sessions and said they were helpful so why not give it a try at least. No-one will mind your tears, because others will have tears too.

Most of all dont be hard on yourself it is still very early days and it is a roller coaster journey so one tiny step at a time -Excercise is good -i,m not a joiner of things socialising is still a ig issue with me -i realise now it always was he just let me hide behind him -so learning to accept that has been part of the journey for me, and i still work so dont have as much time to fill as you do. For me a brisk walk or an amble through the natural world alone is a solution and surounded by nature i never feel as alone as i do in the house -or often as i do surounded by people -but a class would give you the opportunity for social contact which can then lead too extending that too other activities outside the class so dont rule it out -if not now then in a couple of months you may feel differently about doing it.

Meanwhile we are here as long as you need us -i found just being able to write in itself helped a great deal,but we also have created real world friendships as a result of being here The first time i came i really didnt understand why a beravement site would have a laughing emoji -i soon did because as well as a place to express our grief -at times even question our sanity we also need somewhere, where the everyday stuff -we would have perhaps chatted too our loved ones about can be expressed -we can still talk too them of course - i do it all the time, but here you do get a reply and it does help you feel less alone.

 

Offline normajane

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Re: first post
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2018, 06:43:20 PM »
Thank you for the replies - somehow it does feel a bit better to know that other people recognise these feelings and are dealing with them too.  Today has been a bit better - I think the sun helps.

Offline Karena

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Re: first post
« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2018, 09:54:41 AM »
I think the sun helps too -i remember a defining moment when i started to become more conscienous of something good still being available -i was in th garden wrapped in my world of misery but suddenly became aware that this robin was singing so loudly i couldnt ignore it and the sun was on my back -it didnt last all that long but i kind of clung on too it when the black clouds descended -because i knew if it happens once it can happen again and knowing that can keep you going - it does happen again -it might not be the same thing -but you find yourself laughing at something or engaging in the world in some way and having some more moments to hang on too -then over time these moments become longer and more frequent.For me that usually is the sunshine and the natural world it will be other things for other people. :hug:

Offline Sues62

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Re: first post
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2018, 11:10:31 AM »
Hi I know exactly how you feel with the crying, support offered and the pills
It's been a month since my husband died and yes it was I'll, hospital,
Critical care then improving and suddenly gone. Still not able to function
and I need to think about going back to work but I'm not sure I have
the mental strength at the moment x