Author Topic: My Dad  (Read 1241 times)

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Offline sadboy

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My Dad
« on: September 16, 2018, 11:48:05 PM »
Hello
My Dad died on August 15, I was so very close to him that I can't describe. I'm 31 but perceived by most people as being much younger, my Dad has always been a great support to me right up to present day, and even though I didn't like the way he never stood up to my Mum who bullied me through childhood and into adulthood, we still had an amazing closeness once we were alone. Im an only child. Since I moved out from my parents two years ago he has visited me every week and we just talked for about four hours before he had to go back home to my Mum. I have few friends but when things go wrong in my life, at least I know I have him. But of course not any more. He was only 70 years old and seemed fit and healthy until three weeks before the end. He had a hidden illness that his GP and other specialists failed to detect. It was only detected when he was taken into hospital after a fall - and once he was taken into hospital he got only six days before he passed away. I had a kind of breakdown or panic attack at his funeral on Wednesday when I got up to make my tribute to him. Im not sure how to describe it, but I just seized up in front of everyone, was shaking and couldn't speak. I think the very worst thing was having to collect my Dad's belongings at the hospital on my own on the morning that he died. My Mum was also at the hospital but I knew it wasn't an experience she'd take kindly to. Now that Dad is gone, she greatly needs me and is trying her best to attach herself to me for survival. My Dad waited on her hand and foot for nearly 50 years of marriage and she largely isolated herself from the rest of the world. She has already asked me to move back in with her indefinitely: this is the same woman who virtually forced me out of the house two years ago because the only person she needed in her life was her beloved husband. Since he died she has done her best to be nice but it is still down to me to manage her and remind her each day how to treat me like a human being. All she ever wanted was her relationship with her husband, it's not like she knows how to have any other kind of relationship.

Offline Karena

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Re: My Dad
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2018, 12:19:16 PM »
 :hug: That must have been such a devastating blow to you.While of course your mum needs support,  i think moving back in would not be the best thing for you at all - much better if you can help her take some steps towards re-connecting with the outside world and creating her own life - but maybe a bit early days yet for either of you.

Whether those steps involve some kind of community activity - or if she has ever been religious perhaps going to church as they often have activities attached that might spark some interest and at least the opportunity to be in contact with other people.  But for now perhaps focus on making regular visits - perhaps for a meal together - which she could prepare, or you could take or better still you could create together, which might recreate some interest for her in cooking for herself and give you a more equal means of communication without her dominating you.
For yourself then it seems you also need to establish more outside contacts so work at keeping those few friendships but also perhaps etablishing new contacts -if youre shy then something like an evening class /photography group/sports/- depending what youre in too can be a good ice breaker.

meanwhile on here we have the opportunity to write about your feelings which helps i found, but you are among other bereaved people who have experienced the grief journey and also things like every-day chat helps forge a bond we all share no matter who we lost or what age we are, so keep talking here and we will try and support you any way we can here.

Offline sadboy

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Re: My Dad
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2018, 11:37:06 PM »
Thank you, I couldn't have hoped for a better reply.
She is already talking about meeting someone else as she has never been single since she was 20, but what she doesn't grasp is there is no man alive who'll wait on her hand and foot like my poor Dad did.
The cooking is a nice idea although she must always be in full control in the kitchen, while complaining about how put upon she is, so Im afraid she'd never see cooking as a joint activity.
I suggested to her that she go to a bereavement support group and see what the men are like there? As she is 70 she is just seeking 'companion' arrangement rather than full on relationship.
She is very determined to live as long as possible, and straight after my beloved Dad passed (that night), she told me that she was always going to "outlive" him, and that she may outlive me too. On the other hand she is good at presenting as a helpless lady who cannot cope living alone, and she knows my weak points (empathy and a desire to help others being the major ones that she wants to benefit from).
I'm hoping I will have some independence again once Im back at work, but I have been given generous time off and I'm far from ready to return yet.

Offline Karena

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Re: My Dad
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2018, 04:53:50 PM »
 :hug: When you have spent your almost entire adult life being in a relationship and bringing up children, then become an empty nester and lose your lifetime partner fairly close together, what you say and feel might not be what you do - but its really difficult to function outside those roles - whatever the role she took was for all those years, it is a role she has played for so long she doesnt know any other way to be, and yes in those circumstances anyone might feel they cant function outside of that role so need some-one to stand in as a companion. and whether thats the companionship of a woamn or a man isnt really relevant but if you are just not used to female company then making that change isnt easy - but she may discover that women friends can be funny and witty and adventurous and loyal and she may enjoy that discovery. Out of my closest friends three are men - one i have known since i was seven because men can be all those things too.

If she meets  a guy, you could be right and he wont come up to her standards but that is for them to resolve should it happen.

If the desire to meet some-one as a companion gets her  to socialise outside her realtionship with you, she may come to realise through doing it that friendship and companionship is important and learn to take a different role and attitude to what has gone before in order to keep it with people who have no obligations too her.

She may find a bereavement group helpful in other ways and that going to one gives her the confidence to do other things and go to different places -which is a good starting point - buts its important to remember they are not dating sites - men there may not be ready to move into another relationship even one which is just companionship,  and at the other extreme also to be cautious herself about what information she gives people initially or going places with some-one outside of going as a group  -very occasionally a predator may slip through the net -  so i would certainly recommend she doesnt go with the view to dating, but to taking those first steps, talking to other people sharing some of the things she is going through and finding friendship with either men or women over a period of time in which trust can be built.

If she has to be in charge in the kitchen then maybe go out for meals - every so often and take it in turns to chose where ( it sounds like your choice will be the less good one to her -  but at least she wont be able to complain about the times its been her choice, or that cooking the meal is bothersome.)  - the together time could then be spent in the planning - do we go to town,do we go a bit further, what else is in the next town she might like to see - how will we get there, what date suits us both,what are the reviews on trip advisor like - etc etc. THis wont feed her proerly of course but you could send her ideas or if you make a big shepherds pie take some round for her that kind of thing. Is there something she was good at - scones biscuits or something that you could extol the virtues of and get her to want to make for you to take home.?
 
basically let her know that you are not abandoning her, you will spend time with her and help her out with some things - maybe the garden if she has one - or putting the rubish out - things she struggles physically with perhaps - but at the same time being firm that you dont want to move back in.

Offline sadboy

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Re: My Dad
« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2018, 10:27:33 PM »
Thank you again.