Author Topic: Feeling worthless  (Read 1309 times)

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Offline emma75d

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Feeling worthless
« on: December 03, 2018, 05:57:35 PM »
I’m torn between questioning if I’m being selfish or have the rights to feel what I’m feeling.   I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years as he is separated from his ex for 2 and half years. They are not yet divorced (she got cancer, timing wasn’t right) they haven’t spoken in a year and have adult children. (They were married 29 years) His children don’t like the fact he moved on and won’t speak to me.   His mum died on Saturday. It was a shock. He was so close to her. He told me he doesn’t know how to deal with grief. Needs to be alone. Yesterday he called the children to tell them and within minutes his ex called. He had a lengthy conversation with her about his mum and she offered support. He said he was ok.   Today he arranged an appt at the chapel of rest so o said I’d accompany him, he said he didn’t want me to, that he needed to deal with it himself. Within minutes of telling me that he contacted his children and ex to invite them to the chapel of rest. The children declined. The ex went.   It left me in tears. I felt like I’m his family too, we share a home, go on regular holidays. Do everything together. He was at my daughter’s wedding recently. I said I had hoped that I’m such awful circumstances that I’d be the one he needed. He said no. He told me I was making it about me. He went, that was hours ago. Now, the family are at his mums sorting through her things. I just feel helpless.   I’ve also been told that the funeral is family only. Which means I won’t be going but the family car will be his ex and the grown children (youngest is 23)   I feel so deeply hurt. I’m trying to understand his grief and be there for him but he’s choosing to be supported by others.   I’ve tried explaining how I feel and he’s repeating I’m making it about me and to let him get on with it in his way but his way is to involve his ex and shut me out completely   

I feel rejected and I feel like I’m suddenly not his family. On top of that I am also grieving. I lost a close aunt last month and I also lost his mum which I know isn’t as significant but it still hurts.

Am I being unreasonable?

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Feeling worthless
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2018, 08:12:49 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
Grief is a horrid journey, and one on which we can feel very lost and confused.
I can understand why you feel rejected and on the outside. Its difficult when theres children and an ex involved - the children will want the support of their mum, and its a challenging time for people getting on when everyone is so emotional. Your partner is reeling from his loss and may not be thinking straight/realising the effect its having on you
I know there were challenges at my nans funeral, (mums mum) my aunty (cousins mum) was not welcome/invited and new partner came which did cause some friction/difficulties. My parents had split many years ago, my dad came to the funeral whereas my mums partner of many years did not

Perhaps you can focus on why you are together, try not to push him too hard on his loss, but be there for support/care. 
You could do with some support as you're grieving too, and another loss with heighten your loss too.  We're here for you on this tough journey  :hug: xd
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Feeling worthless
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2018, 04:31:32 PM »
  :hug: Grief can be such a hard time for famillys and especially in this situation - i think all you can really do is make it clear you will be there for him if he needs you,and then stand back from it.But it might put your mind at rest as far as the ex goes to think that if she was with him for 29 years then she has potentially lost a mother figure herself - and even if they didnt get on, she will still have memorys that they all share going back over time - it doesnt mean she is a threat to your relationship with him but its not at all suprising you feel the way you do - as Emz says focus on what you do have together because in grief we perhaps need people around who share long term memorys of the person but sometimes we need a break from it - some-one to cuddle up and watch a film with - some-one to just do something every day with and that person is going to be you so focus on your grief for the time being and build up your own strength to be the positive in his life but also the one who offers support further down the line and much longer term.