Author Topic: Hello  (Read 2283 times)

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Offline juleson29

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Hello
« on: February 18, 2019, 05:19:41 PM »
Hi Everyone,

So I’m new to this and thought I’d introduce myself. I’m searching for something, not quite sure what it is I need or how to go about it all but starting here I guess is a good start. I’ve always thought I’d dealt with the grief of my mum’s death but  in fact the more I think about it I feel so unbelievably lost and not sure who I am anymore so thinking maybe I haven’t dealt with it at all.
My mum passed away 4 years from Cancer  at the age of 60 and no matter how long time flies by it never gets any easier. I have two children who are 11 and 9 and they miss her dearly especially my eldest as he remembers so much about his Nanna.
In a nut shell I just feel very lost at the moment and I’m thinking maybe I actually need to talk more with like- minded people and try and find myself again.

Julia

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2019, 08:45:10 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
Grief certainly changes you, I think it was my 2nd year where I often didnt recognise myself.  It has taken time to find 'me' again, and I'm definitely different
I'm 6 years down the line, each year it gets a little easier but we never get over grief. The daily pain eases,  and a bit like an injury may flare up or ache during bad weather, I feel grief can also do the same
I found it helped so much being able to talk with others who understand. Hope you find the forum a support too xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2019, 12:36:44 PM »
Hi -as a country we dont deal very well with grief at all do we. :hug: just talking here has helped me so feel free to do that
Thinking about your children - my eldest grandson also misses his grandad and from the off i wanted to keep his memory alive for all our grandchildren - and even though some were not even born when he died they know about him because the elder one talks about him and passes on the stories about him - so  there are other things you can put in place to perhaps help both of you grieve together - some people create memory books - or boxes where things that remind them about some-one go - they can be photos or other objects, but sharing those memorys as they are put in and then in later times when you can sit and go over them together and invoke them over again can be a good way of thinking less of the grief and more of the persons whole life  - maybe both you children could chose something they would like to put in and talk about why - what was the memory associated with it.  - after all none of us want to be remembered with tears and pain but for what we were in our life, we want people to smile at the daft things we did or the things that annoyed them a bit even.
My eldest grandson and i have a routine of putting aside an afternoon and throwing a daffodill  into the river  to send too him - as we did after my husbands funeral, and that involves walking and talking about him together and something even though he is now a teenager he looks forward to doing.

Initially after he died there were three grandsons and with the flower routine in mind we had told them they could always sens a message down the river to grandad (not something harmful too the wildlife) so they sent the odd flower and bits of grass or little notes - but one day we had walked across the fields and the docked lambs tails had come off and were lying around - the boys (being the revolting creatures they can be)  had picked some up and were chasing each other round with them - but when they got to the river bank the eldest lined the others up and before we could get close enough to stop them ceremoniousely sent the lambs tails to grandad - I dont know what he would have made of that as a present, but i think it was probably the first time i laughed properly, knowing that he would have rolled with laughter if he saw it.

The point of telling you, is that sometimes sharing with children and allowing them to express themselves in their own way as children and not as adults permit  can help them but also help us a lot too. 

Offline Lynx

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Re: Hello
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2019, 12:04:09 AM »
Hi, Firstly, I'd like to say that I am so sorry for everyone's loss of a loved one, this is a terrible pain for us all to deal with, and I'm so glad that there is this much needed support for us all at a time when we are probably feeling at our most alone. Also, I'm sorry if I've done the whole introduction thing wrong but I'm new to forums so not even sure how to post a comment! My name is Lynn and I recently lost my Mam, it was a massive shock and the whole family is struggling to deal with this, but especially my Dad. I can accept that pain, at some point, is going to be a natural part of all of our lives, and I have experienced it in my past but the pain of losing my Mam coupled with watching my Dad's struggle to try and deal with it all is just so hard to bear, and I thought I might just be able to try and put some kind of peace in my soul to talk to others who are going through or have been through the same/similar experiences. At the moment I still can't seem to sleep/eat/think and am just feeling so many emotions, it's been a month now but I feel like I am just still in shock with it all. Thank you for listening, Lyn x

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2019, 07:25:28 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug Lynx  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2019, 12:59:13 PM »
 :hug:dont worry one of the few unspoken rules  about this place is you dont need to say sorry - if you make a mistake and post in the wrong place or something we can sort it out for you -  we were all new once as well.

It probably doesnt feel like it but a month isnt a long time and actually listen to your feeling of being in shock because in a sense thats exactly what you are and its also still a time of not knowing from one moment to the next whether you are going to get through it without some emotion taking a sideways swipe at you. :hug:

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2019, 11:09:30 PM »
Hi Julia and Lyn too,

Well, I'm in the same boat with you. I lost my lovely mum in October 2017 and it's been a very rocky road for me since then. At first it was worse, not just because of the shock of her not being here anymore and having to find a way to move into a future without her in it, but because of all the official stuff that you have to end up dealing with at the same time. A bit over a month ago, I really thought I was starting to turn a corner and was feeling a bit more upbeat and thought I was starting to manage better on my own now, but this week, I had a nasty experience at work and bang - there it was again, that sudden awareness of being alone and being unable to just have a chat with mum about it that, when she was around, would have made me feel better.

So I think you can be lulled into a false sense of thinking you are better than you are when you are busily getting on with everyday life, but it just takes one difficult thing to happen to you to bring it home to you just how broken and unhealed and still vulnerable you still are underneath it all. I think the necessity to get on with everyday life got in the way of me being able to spend time coming to terms with my loss in the first year, so maybe that's how it is for you Julia. It takes it's toll on your time looking after a young family and having to put them first, so perhaps rather than having dealt with it, you just prioritised family life because you must and put your own feelings on the back burner, but at some point they have to resurface and you are forced to admit, as I did this week, that maybe you aren't quite as OK as you thought after all.

That's OK though, there is no time limit on love,so how can there be on missing someone. You can't ever fill the void left by losing anyone, least of all your mum, so I think we all just have to accept that there will be times when we will feel the loss more keenly than at others and you will get through it, because life goes on and there are other things and other people to worry about, but it isn't wrong to spend a while mourning the loss of a loved one. We are only human and can't help that, nor should we. Taking some time to think and explore how you feel about it is healthy I think. You can't always be putting other people first and it won't help them if you are buckling under the strain, so take some time and look after you too, not just all those around you.

Sorry, rambling abit here, but I understand how you feel. I hope this helps you somehow. Sending hugs to you both. :hug: :hug: