Author Topic: Support groups and counselling  (Read 3260 times)

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Offline DaveP

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Support groups and counselling
« on: January 31, 2018, 04:20:40 PM »
My wife Helen died in June last year after 33 years together. I was on this forum a few times last summer and wanted to say thanks to everyone for your kindness and support back then.

I started going to a CRUSE bereavement support group a few weeks after Helen died. I found it very difficult at first but I kept going and it became a lifeline for me. For a few months, the group session on Wednesday morning became the main focus of my week. It was such a relief to be with other bereaved people. We all came from different walks of life and had different stories and experiences, but we all understood and respected each others' grief and loss. I got a lot of help and encouragement, and I think I was able to help others out here and there, which is a positive feeling. A bit of a social scene developed, some of us started going to a cafe or pub after the sessions. One or two of the people I met there have become good friends. I stopped going to the group after a while because it started to feel like I was going over the same things, but for me it was a haven of calm and companionship during the first few months of my bereavement.

In September, after three months bereavement, I was offered one-to-one counselling through the hospice that Helen and I were involved with. I know that some people don't get a lot out of counselling, but for me it turned out to be very positive. I think I was fortunate in that I got on very well with my counsellor. She helped me to talk through some very deep issues. Of course a counsellor can't "cure" your grief, but I think that for me at least the counselling accelerated my coming to terms with my loss. Unfortunately, my counsellor left the hospice for a new job in December, but was professional enough to wind the sessions down before she left rather than just "abandoning" me.

As with the support group, I think I've got all that I'm going to get out of counselling for now, so I'm not looking for any more at this stage. I'm just posting this to say that both those routes were a major help to me during the first six months of my bereavement. They haven't fixed anything, I still cry for my darling wife every day and feel wretched most of the time, but I've got a few glimmers of hope  that weren't there before. I think I would advise anyone going through this horrible process to at least try one of these routes if you get the chance.

Offline Karena

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Re: Support groups and counselling
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2018, 12:02:09 PM »
Thank you for posting that i agree where counselling is available it can be very useful and as you say cannot take away your loss but can help you turn some aspects of it into thinking differenty.

Groups arnt for me walking into a room of real rather than virtual strangers terrifies me i dont think there are any round here anyway - but i know it has helped others and  the same has happened here with the social aspects -i now have real world friends from here, and the meets are good too.
So Dave you are always welcome to come here even if its just for a virtual   :hug: or  :coffeetoast: It is always good to talk about things other than just our loss -the things we do every day, the things we might have gone home and told our loved ones about, the things that interest us, are more tangible when we can share them.  :hug:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Support groups and counselling
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2018, 08:15:05 PM »
I agree.  I think support in whatever form you can find it is so needed on this journey - a combination is even more supportive  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline longedge

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Re: Support groups and counselling
« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2018, 10:37:25 PM »
What you say Dave pretty much reflects my own experience. I overcame my initial reluctance to go to a support group and although nothing can put things right again, at least I found that being with others who were in the same boat was a small comfort. It also got me out of the house when I was in danger of turning into a hermit.
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Richjp

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Re: Support groups and counselling
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2018, 11:24:30 PM »
I was wondering if CRUSE would work for me. I know it’s only ten weeks since I lost my Mum (have now lost both parents) and the doctor says the feelings are “perfectly normal” but this feels so different from the grief when dad went.

Back then I had Mum to concentrate on supporting. This time I’m on my own. It already feels like friends (these are friends of my parents more than my friends...my social life has been non-existent for the last 10 years) are running out of sympathy but not even my sisters, nephews or nieces call to see how I’m doing. I’ve never felt so isolated before.

I’m just not sure if the group sessions are for me and the one-to-one has a 3-4 month waiting list and I really don’t think I can wait that long.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Support groups and counselling
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2018, 08:26:42 AM »
Each loss can feel very different, and like you have noticed, your life circumstances impacts it too, when you lost your dad you had your mum to focus on which helped you cope.
Its likely too early but considering a pet could be an option - I know from personal experience how much having dogs has helped, and know others who have taken on a dog or cat after loss and it has made a big difference

Give cruse a try. I think we need to use all the support we can get.  If cruse also has a waiting list consider going along to a group session whilst you're on a waiting list for 1-2-1.  You may be surprised how much it helps being around others who are in the same situation.  It will feel scary at first, but these groups will be doing all they can to make it welcoming and after that first step that will get easier xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Richjp

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Re: Support groups and counselling
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2018, 08:48:47 AM »
I do have two cats (did have three but lost one early in 2017 so really not a good year). It really is great having them around rather than being totally alone and they do sense my mood changes. Once things have settled a bit and I know where I’m living - and that I have a job so can afford it - I’d love to add a dog to the mix. Company on my walks plus the dog bond is different to the cat bond.

Of course if I end up going into rented accommodation that cuts down your options with pets - not helped by one sister telling me I may have to give up the cats to find a place. Not going to happen!

I also want to look into the possibility of setting up a pet sitting business as I know how difficult it is to leave them when I go away and hate putting them in a cattery. There are a lot of people out there already doing it so not sure if is worth considering.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2018, 08:51:01 AM by Richjp »

Offline Karena

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Re: Support groups and counselling
« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2018, 12:55:29 PM »
Again you would have to consider any landlord rules about pets -i wonder if there would be any get out clause over a temorary dog that doesnt live there. Some-one here does pet sitting but often just daytime for people who work long hours and commute.
My dog also died and replacing him (not that any dog really would do that) probably isnt going to happen.But some of the shelters have foster schemes,-so basically they try and house dogs that dont have particular problems in home situations rather than kennels.You get food and vets bills -microchipping etc, and support with any issues the dog may have once with you -the hope is that because of this it is easier to find the right forever homes for them -they learn more about the dog from a fosterer as they dont see in Kennels how a dog is with cats or children or on /off the lead.
I also have 3 dogs i have at home when the owners go on holiday.
If you do end up somewhere with a no dogs rule there is also a nationwide scheme -called borrow my dog. They may be able to put you in touch with some-one who struggles to walk the dog -maybe for health reasons -so you can still have one for company on your walks.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Support groups and counselling
« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2018, 01:13:05 PM »
If there's local demand then depending on how much income you need you may also be able to set up.  One way to consider it is how your service could differ to others - if there's a difference, there's potential to collaborate with existing businesses perhaps. Or cover an area of the market not already covered,
Perhaps worth looking into whether any local pet sitters are hiring? My dog walker hires several staff

In the meantime, whilst sorting stuff out if you wanted another option to get out and about with a dog could consider volunteering for your local rspca - a friend of mine spends a morning a week walking the dogs.  Could be a nice way to build your confidence and tackle your anxiety whilst widening your social circle xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Support groups and counselling
« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2018, 06:27:10 PM »
I agree completely, I struggled badly, although this group was a Godsend, I had been seeing a general counsellor and she thought I needed bereavement counselling, and in her own time rang around to find me somewhere, even though Mum died suddenly and wasn't in a hospice, the lady at the hospice agreed to see me for one on one counselling, and it really helped so so much, I agree I would urge anyone to try it, it doesn't stop you hurting, just somehow helps...