Author Topic: 5 months on from losing my Dad and I'm struggling  (Read 1400 times)

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Offline chevilles

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5 months on from losing my Dad and I'm struggling
« on: November 01, 2018, 11:36:59 AM »
Hi all,

I lost my Dad back in May, he had been ill but was supposedly ok according to the doctors, so it was a bit unexpected.
My parents lived abroad on their boat, my mother has since moved back to the UK.  Although I have two sisters who have been fantastic, I have shouldered much of my father's responsibilities.  This has involved me taking 3 months off work to do emergency repair works on the boat and sail it back to the UK, where I now have full responsibility for it as well as the maintenance of 2 additional old houses on top of my own, handling probate and my mother’s finances.  I do not resent this, though I am finding it stressful.  It has also meant I have not really had the time or headspace to grieve until a couple of months ago.

A few days after my father’s death I lost one of my rabbits in a fairly traumatic way. Six weeks later another one went, and a few days after that the final one died as she couldn’t cope without her friends.  Last week I had to make the decision to put my horse to sleep because of unresolved pain.  My animals have always meant a lot to me, and my young horse was (it sounds daft I know) my best friend and outlet to my grief.  I’m in no way trying to suggest the loss of my animals is equivalent to the loss of a parent, but simply give some background.

On top of this my husband decided to tell me 2 months after my father’s death that he was still seeing the woman that he had previously cheated on me with.  They were not in a sexual relationship any more, but nonetheless a relationship he didn’t want me to find out about because of some emotional and physical indiscretions.  He only broke off contact with this woman 3 weeks ago at my request after I found out she had suggested an affair and talked about how to hide it from me.  In his defence he did tell her that he was not interested but laughed off the lying to me bit (because it turns out he was still hiding other things).

I guess in summary, I feel like I am living in a soap opera.  All these things I could cope with on their own, but together they have become overwhelming.  My husband is a good man, albeit stupid, and is trying to support me but I can’t trust him anymore and feel detached.  His family is difficult as they are pretending nothing has happened and haven’t even mentioned my Dad once despite seeing them regularly. My husband knows this has hurt me but doesn’t want to say anything to them in case he upsets things.
I also don’t feel I can talk to my Mum or sisters about my husband as they are dealing with their own issues.  I’ve chatted to friends but it’s getting to that stage where they are fed up and want to move on.

I’ve tried counselling but am finding it like talking to a wall, I’d really appreciate just some sympathy and reassurance that it does get better with time!

Tea and biscuits for all that made it this far!

Offline Dave Administrator

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Re: 5 months on from losing my Dad and I'm struggling
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2018, 10:27:56 PM »
Hi Chevilles and welcome.

Wow what a detailed first post and one that could not have been easy for you to write I'm sure.

You don't have to worry about opening up here as often as you like, because that's what we encourage everyone to do too help with the healing progress.

I'm so sorry about your dad and I can't help getting the feeling you've not really been given the time to grieve for him what with every other thing going on for you to deal with which is also very sad to hear.

I do hope some of our truly understanding members we are blessed with will also be able to support you at this difficult time in your life.

Take care Dave.
Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: 5 months on from losing my Dad and I'm struggling
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2018, 07:29:55 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
I had several other things that happened the same year I lost my dad and had to be strong for others, which made it so hard.
I know many people whose animals have been a massive support, and have managed through many bad times including grief due to their pets support  :hearts:
I joined this forum when I was struggling and found I couldnt open up to family/friends, and it helped me so much. Ive even made friends through the forum, who I've met up with

I hope the forum helps you too xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx