Author Topic: Wallowing  (Read 2941 times)

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Offline Twinkle

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Wallowing
« on: March 18, 2019, 06:23:22 PM »
So I often come on here, hoping I can offer some words of comfort or help to someone, thankfully others are much better at it, and have it all covered, so yet again I find myself on here just to vent, as I am beginning to think I am going mad, those who have read my posts on here, will know that 25 years ago my Dad died suddenly, and almost to the day 25 years later my Mum died in my arms after I had fought so hard to save her. This was 18 months ago.

I have been having counseling, have dealt with the PTSD that happened because of it all, and am trying so so hard to be okay, and yet, every second of the day I think of them both, Mum in particular as she is the most raw, but strangely Dad too,
 
Everything I do I think of them and Mothers Day coming up is like a constant poke in my heart, yesterday I spoke to one of my half-siblings, we were all Mums children, not Dads, anyway she asked how I was, so I told her, and then it kicked off, she said I had had a wonderful childhood, she hadn't, I should stop wallowing and that I was behaving like the  only person in the world who had ever lost anyone, I did retaliate a bit, but now I feel so ashamed, how come they all seem to be okay? Or as okay as it gets it? How do I deal with it? Am i meant not to feel like this and I am actually wallowing? I was Mums carer the last few years, but at the same time she took care of me too, I miss her all the time, and now feel that is wrong, so how do I deal with it all, of course I am not the only person who has lost someone, it doesn't mean I know how to cope...

Offline CarolineL

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Re: Wallowing
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2019, 07:38:48 PM »
Ah bless you Twinkle, I too have lost both my mum and dad, dad first 24 yrs ago and then my mum a year later, I had to give permission for doctors to switch off her life support after being in a coma. I felt guilt for a long time for not doing enough though family told me I had done everything I could, I felt orphaned for a while too even though I was 35. Since then I have lost two older siblings and recently my husband.
You are not going crazy, we all deal with losing someone differently. Its most likely that losing your mum after caring for her has stirred up the grief again you also had for your dad. I have found that any kind of retaliation only gives the other person satisfaction and makes me feel worse, so these days I put my brave face on and keep my lips tightly shut, well most of the time anyway. I'm sending you a big hug  :hearts:

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Wallowing
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2019, 08:55:05 PM »
I am so sorry for your losses, you clearly have been through so much,
I try so hard not to reliate, but sometimes it overwhelms you doesnt it, you just cant believe people can be so cruel...

Offline Karena

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Re: Wallowing
« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2019, 11:02:21 AM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug: It isnt wallowing and it isnt self pity  its grieving - if they ask how you are, are you suposed to lie - whats the point of asking if they dont want to know the truth.Often the second year is more difficult in part because we are expected to stop grieving after a year - as if their is a sell by date- but because society has that ingrained we then expect it of ourselves and spend the next year thinking we are doing it wrong - or wallowing because we are still feeling this pain,when in reality that just isnt the case.
 
Your relationship with your mum was different too theirs in part because you were her carer, and as such knew her better than they did partly because your childhood was different - that not your fault circumstances were different -but even when siblings are as close and had an idenical childhood they are not the same person and so they still grieve differently.Their feelings and their way deal with it is going to be different too yours - but that doesnt make you in the wrong,  you cant help the way you feel, it doesnt make you a weaker person or a more  selfish person at all - it isnt weak to admit your feelings its actually strong to be able too, especially in the face of their attitude right from the beginning of losing her which has always been negative towards you.

Perhaps if you had lied and said i,m fine they would have vindicated themselves (in their minds) of the attitude they took to you back then, but you prevented them from doing that, by not lie-ing so they couldnt wriggle off the hook and that sparked the anger. They want you to say fine so they dont have to consider that you might not be.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Wallowing
« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2019, 12:13:20 PM »
Everyone is different, Twinkle. I lost my dad 34 years ago and was my mum's carer from then on. She died about 18 months ago. I have a brother, but he lives a fair distance away, so we never saw him very much, even when mum was alive. We don't really talk to one another about how we feel or about the losses of our parents. I think it isn't that neither of us cares what the other is going through, it's more that you don't know how to talk to one another about loss and grief, so we talk about every day problems and just try to keep talking really. I don't think he has the same attitude to loss as I do. I can tell from the things he says and does, but that doesn't mean he isn't grieving either. He is just grieving differently.

There is no right or wrong way to do it, Twinkle. No time limit either. I still miss my dad every day and the day he died is still so clear in my head, it could have happened yesterday, so you are not wallowing or doing it wrong. You are not alone in missing your mum and dad every day either. I do too and I am sure many others are the same.

If it causes trouble to talk about this with your siblings, then perhpas it would be best not to and just to talk about other things. I think it is always worth keeping the channels of communication open if you can, but if they can't show sympathy or understanding, then perhaps best look for that elsewhere. Do you have some friends you can talk to or perhaps you could find some by joining a class and taking up a new interest and looking more to the future by doing that.

You will never stop missing your mum and dad. I haven't, nor do I expect to. I don't think you will or should 'get over' losing your parents. THey were such a big part of your life, how can you. You just have to make the best of it and get on with life without them, except that you are never really without them. because you never will stop loving or missing them, so they will always be with you in your heart.

Pay no heed to insensitive words. You feel as you feel and there is nothing wrong with that.

Sending you a hug, Twinkle ..xx :hug: :hug: :hearts:

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Wallowing
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2019, 06:04:09 PM »
Thanks to you both.

Karena I know you are right, I cannot help how I feel, trying to conform to others preconceptions has caused me a lot of pain too, but as siblings somehow I expected them to feel what I was feeling, but they did not have the relationship with them I did, especially Mum, a bereavement counseling once said to me had would you have felt if someone else was with your Mum when she died, and instinctively I said angry and jealous, strange emotions I know, but it did help a little at the time, they clearly want me to lie about how I am feeling and somehow I guess I have too, as for me the fallout of their anger is too much for me, as for the second year is harder in some ways than the first, I am truly truly finding that.

Sandra61

Like you the day of Dads death is etched in my mind and of course Mums too, I do not doubt for a second they are grieving, but I am too, and yet I still have empathy for how others are feeling, my therapist, says they are toxic to me, and they are but I have to keep the communication open, what I need to do is just talk about mundane stuff and leave how I really feel to my real friends and thankfully I have many who understand me. I know I never will get over losing them, nobody else will love me and have their back as they did, its a whole new way to live, and its hard, I just have to learn somehow that it doesn't matter how I feel, its how I feel and I do not have to justify it...

Offline CarolineL

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Re: Wallowing
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2019, 07:04:10 PM »
I am so sorry for your losses, you clearly have been through so much,
I try so hard not to reliate, but sometimes it overwhelms you doesnt it, you just cant believe people can be so cruel...

Yes I had my husbands mum tell me two weeks after he died that I and our children were being taken out of her will as we weren't really family anymore, now that was a hard one not to retaliate too ( for our children's sake) but I just smiled and said OK if that's what you want x

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Wallowing
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2019, 09:09:57 PM »
My God, well done for not retaliating, I have learnt the hard way it just causes  more hurt doesnt it?

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Wallowing
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2019, 09:17:23 AM »
Oh, that's awful Caroline! Well done you for dealing with it so well! I'm not sure I could have.

Twinkle, I am so glad you have good friends to help support you. That really does help. I have made a few recently and it has helped me. Like you, initially I expected family to be most help and to be able to empathise and sympathise the most, but they don't. I don't know if that's because we were the carers and naturally are more affected or because they just process things differently, but whatever the reason, I too have found friends to be more help than family - and new friends at that! I was surprised and disappointed by how little support I got from the old ones! Grief certainly teaches you who your real friends are!

It is all about building a new life for yourself now and making the most of the years you have left, so concentrate on that, Twinkle, and stop worrying about the family. If they're not going to help you, accept it and carry on as suits you. There's no point trying to be what anyone else thinks we should be. Most of the time, they're not there anyway! Do whatever you need to do and let them get on with their lives! Whatever you feel is OK. Make yourself the priority now. Sending you a hug..xx :hearts: :hug: :hug:

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Wallowing
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2019, 05:56:06 PM »
Thank you, yes I am  very blessed to have lifelong friends which to be honest in my case is better than family,  I too have made new friends. I think the key with grief, if there is such a thing, is to do what you need to do, you have to feel your way through  avoiding somehow toxic input  :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: Wallowing
« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2019, 10:03:33 AM »
 :hug: you are right but sometimes its easier said than done and letting off steam about it is one of the functions of this site.