Author Topic: Struggling to support my wife in her grief  (Read 2508 times)

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Offline FeelingAlone

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Struggling to support my wife in her grief
« on: April 03, 2019, 12:01:33 AM »
Hi I’m Julie 👋🏻
My mother in law passed away shortly before Christmas & my wife is struggling a bit, or maybe it’s me that’s struggling - I’m not sure I know any more !
We had a really difficult year MIL was in intensive care for 3 weeks in November 2017 & they never really got to the bottom of what was going on but she had a number of health issues, diabetes.high blood pressure, heart disease & her kidney function was deteriorating. Anyway to cut a long story short, she went in & out of hospital including another stay in ICU in the spring, skip forward to November 2018 & she was bouncing in & out of hospital, they managed to finally get her free from infection & discharged her on Sunday, Monday night she was watching a film, went to bed around 12.30 to watch the end of it, her partner went in to see if she wanted a drink about 1am (she was a night owl) & she’d  Gone - turns out it was a heart attack. So although she was poorly, she was not expected to die.
Our little girl is 3 & was Nanna’s little princess, so we are trying to support her with her grief too.
Back to my wife - her 2 brothers didn’t bother with their mum so everything was down to her, initially she coped well, probably too well but now she’s a bit all over the place. We had an argument yesterday over something silly & it’s overshadowed everything today, we never normally do this but I feel whatever I day it will be wrong, so here I am wide awake, feeling alone & not knowing how to support her, we are normally so close & pretty good at communicating & supporting each other, but it feels like she’s not really there, does that make sense? At times whatever I say or do is wrong & im walking on eggshells but if I try to talk about it she denies it.
It’s our 9th wedding anniversary tomorrow & we are supposed to be having a rare date night but it feels a bit pointless 😕
I don’t feel like I can talk to family & friends without making her sound like the bad guy & I don’t want that!
Any advice welcome x

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Struggling to support my wife in her grief
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2019, 08:37:47 AM »
Welcome to the forum  :hug:

Grief can add quite a strain to a relationship, I know when I lost my dad my relationship felt hard work for a while - is quite hard to put into words - needed comfort yet at the same time felt a bit like a barrier had been put up inside me which kept me distant.  Felt numb inside and needed something to break through the numbness (but also the numb was a comfort)
One minute felt needed company, to talk, but at the same time needed to be alone. Its like you're seeking something yet dont know what it is.  I dont know if it is some kind of unconscious fear - you're the closest person, so perhaps after a loss like this unconsciously its harder to connect for a while. Losing my dad felt like I'd lost my foundations and I think it reminds you how easy it is to lose someone

Its a very confusing time, being there and staying a steady support will help alot. Alot of patience - grief is quite a rollercoaster and emotions can change quickly. Its hard to put grief into words so be patient if trying to explain - for me, it sometimes felt a contradiction

I can gladly say that this hard time will pass - as the grief rollercoaster continues the relationship will get easier - mine is certainly stronger now.

If you find it supportive talking with us, you're very welcome xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline FeelingAlone

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Re: Struggling to support my wife in her grief
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2019, 10:13:44 AM »
Thank you for your reply, it helps, it just all feels alien, we have been together almost 15 years & usually support each other through the tough times, we have both lost our Nana’s during our time together but this is completely different. I feel like she’s a different person & maybe she is, but I hope it’s temporary, because I miss her x
I have tried not to offer advice or anything like that because I’m aware that I always try to ‘fix’ things & she needs to do this in her own time & her own way, but it’s blumming hard. I feel very emotional today which is particularly difficult because the person I rely on can’t be there for me right now, but whilst in my head I understand that, in my heart I’m hurting too. Then I feel guilty for not putting her first, sorry if I’m rambling a bit, but my head is in overdrive & it helps to spill it all out.
Thanks for listening x

Offline Karena

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Re: Struggling to support my wife in her grief
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2019, 10:16:58 AM »
often we do get too busy deliberately to convince ourselves we are coping when in reality all we are doing is trying to deny our grief so you are probably right about that.
I can only really re-iterate what Emz has said.Grief is a minefield of a journey and very confusing for us let alone anyone trying to support us. One thing that might help both your wife and daughter would be putting together a memory box -as a familly which although can create tears can also focus our minds on a loved ones whole life rather than just the end of it so we smile through our tears.

In the same vein planting a tree or even just a tub of their favourite flowers can also help -if you have a garden perhaps a fruit tree or something low so your little girl can tie a message for her nanny on it maybe hand bird food off it and also see the life that still comes from it every year even after it has looked so dead in winter.
Sometimes we need somewhere to grieve and while for some that can be a cemetary  i dont have headstones etc and to be honest find them to be a cold memorial, there can never be space on a stone to tell us about the person behind the dates and it isnt a personal space - but it works for others.

My mum spent her last days out of hospital with me and my husband and we put a bird feeder outside the window as she loved to watch them. After she died he helped me create a memorial corner in the garden  - literally the bird feeder a water feature somewhere to sit her favourite plants and a bit of screening so i used to get up and take my first morning coffee out there - he just let me do that -not in a "get on with it way" he would make the coffees and he made the water feature, but allowing me that uninterupted space at the beggining of the day did help. He has since died as well and i have moved but one of the first things i did was re create that - even though there is no-one to escape from now and i never looked on it as escaping from him anyway, its an escape from life when i sit there my thoughts are with them not work or any other niggles -but also i can be listening to a bird sing or watching the sun set - not meditation but the same effect.

If you dont have outdoor space then anywhere in the house - a reading corner in the bedroom - my mum told me she used to have very long baths to escape from my gran and her sisters - so even that, candles bubbles and some private time, but supporting her quietly to allow her to do that so she knows you are there for her.
Or take her somewhere that is precious to her - maybe somewhere they went when she was little - i once found a laminated letter that had been tied to a tree with ribbon in the middle of no-where but overlooking an amazing view. It was from a daughter too her dad and moved me to tears,i tied it back on the tree and left it for others to read.After my husbands funeral we put daffodills in the nearby river which flowed past pretty much everywhere he had lived in his lifetime - we did it because there were children there and i didnt want their last memorys of him to be sombre -and of course children and water isnt going to be. On his birthday we planted some there and on the anniversary my eldest grandson and i went to see if they had come up -and that has been a kind of ritual ever since, but we told them they could float messages to grandad down the river when they wanted to tell him something - and through that, the younger ones, even the ones who hadnt been born then, picked that up so he means something to them as well.  They know what is ok to send (strictly no plastic or anything that will damage the river) but i think he may have had a few suprises over the years  - usually a bit of grass - but on one occasion some docked lambstails before i could stop them  (yuk) Its also become a favourite picnic spot so in a (non logical)  sense he is with us a lot.

Obviousely we are all different and what suits some wont others but what i am trying to say by telling you what i dom is that you will find something that is right for both your wife and your daughter that can be lasting and become special over the coming years.It wont stop the grief, nothing can do that, but it could assure them of your ongoing support as they work through it.   

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Struggling to support my wife in her grief
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2019, 10:58:25 AM »
I think time and patience are key, Julie. Losing your mum, whatever your age or situation, is one of the hardest things you will ever have to face and it leaves you feeling like no one understands what you are going through, and perhaps they don't. I think until you have been through it yourself, you can't really. All you can do is be there with a hug when she needs it and let her know you are there for her, whatever she needs, whether that is to be loved and supported or just left alone.

I wouldn't expect anything of her at the moment, no commitments to things arranged or expected. Maybe just ask what she would like to do and make it clear that if that is nothing. that is fine too. Grief is such a personal and such a painful thing. It reaches into every corner of your life and changes everything forever. Unfortunately it changes the person grieving forever too, so you will have to accept that your partner will be a different person from now on. Her life is forever changed by this loss and the pain must be dreadful. No one can go through such a close personal loss without being changed by it.

Forgive any anger or bad temper and offer a hug and some sympathy, even if both are rejected and just give her some time and some space. Don't have expectations and realise that there is no time limit to grieving. It may seem better for a while and then may seem worse again for a bit, but it will improve as time goes on. No one ever really gets back to being who they were before it happened. Loss becomes part of you and makes you a different you. but that is unavoidable. All you can do is be there for her.

Every loss is different and affects us in varying ways and to a different degree. She's lost her mum and a mum that she really cared about, from what you say, so it is bound to be a bad time for you both, as she will not be able to focus on much else for a while and will be feeling isolated and alone because of that, despite yours and your childs presence. Grief does leave you feeling alone. It takes time to accept what has happened and to come to terms with that. All we can do is make no demands of the person grieving and give them time.

Sorry not to be able to give you any better advice really, Julie, but all you can do is be there for her in whatever way she needs you to be when she does. and leave her to herself when she needs to be too. Things will improve in time. You can try little things, bringing her flowers or taking her for a walk in the park. I found it really helped me to walk in the park. It was somewhere calming and comforting where I could gather my thoughts and examine my feelings. Perhaps buy her a photo album and encourage her to put some favourite pictures of her mum in it or start a memory book that you can share with your child in future years.

Patience and time. One day at a time and little wordless gestures perhaps will help. Thinking of you both..xx :hug:

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Struggling to support my wife in her grief
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2019, 06:25:36 PM »
Hi, I am so sorry for yours, and your wifes loss.
My Mum died suddenly in August 2017, yes she was 89, but like your mil she wasn't expecting to die,  I had to do CPR on her, and failed. I had been with my husband for 25 years prior to this, like I suspect you do, he loved my  Mum and felt her loss enormously too, however for  me it was not good enough, I remember screaming at him " don't you realise what's happened to me " amongst other things, I had kept it together, but for my Mum, i am sure your wife feels like no one knows what she is going through ( they don't exactly ) and it's a hard long road with lots of ups and downs, even now my heart is breaking still, but eventually i have stopped expecting ting the world to feel like i do, and my husband and i have settled back, he listens with my continueous grief and stories,  and slowly we are getting there.

The upshot is, which I am trying to say somehow is, I have been and still are where your wife is, it hurts, you get angry, emotions everywhere,  despite my behaviour my husband was my constant, he was just there, yes we had arguments  but we are okay, it's just baby steps,

Sending you both hugs and prayers

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Struggling to support my wife in her grief
« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2019, 09:52:17 AM »
Hi. I have been on both sides  of the coin and know there is no easy  answer except  everything the others  have said   25 years ago my Dad passed away suddenly,  and nothing my husband could say or do was right.  18 months ago I lost  Mum, this one broke me, I have heard it said when a woman loses her Mum she will never be quite the same  my marriage suffered  badly with this going on, and then last week my husband Dad died suddenly. This last week has been a nightmare of arguments frustration  and even though I  pretty  much know what's going on in his head I struggle to deal with it, within a week he has nearly left me twice.. it's a hard time for everyone but try to do what I am doing and just be there