Author Topic: New member  (Read 6846 times)

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Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #15 on: June 19, 2017, 07:59:03 PM »
Thanks for the reply, yeah I think photography might be good for me, I'll find out about some courses. I meet up with an old friend today for coffee, I managed to upset her as well, I Told her how bad I had been over the past few months, I don't think she realised and said I should have rung her. Of course I'm not going to I said I thought she would have come to visit for a chat and coffee, that's what I need to talk to someone face to face..she was upset but understood I think...like I said before face to face contact is far better than talking on the phone or texting. I think she thought I said I would arrange something with her and her boyfriend but my memory at the moment is rubbish I'm struggling to remember what I said a couple of hours ago.

Offline Karena

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Re: New member
« Reply #16 on: June 20, 2017, 11:33:12 AM »
 :hug: memory loss also normal -not suprising  that we cant remember what we said, or did - when even to achieve just getting through a single day at a time takes so much energy. Might help to write it down -not everything said or done, but make a note of an arrangement diary style -had cofee with ------  ring them to meet up later in month -something lke that.

Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #17 on: June 20, 2017, 02:02:12 PM »
Why do people tell you to text or phone with anything that is worrying you then when you do, you get someone else telling you you've upset them with the text you sent "it was to direct" what the bloody hell am I suppose to say I'm in a really dark place and reaching out for help and that's all I get,  might as well deal with it all on my own this is making me worse worring im upsetting people....sorry for swearing

Offline Karena

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Re: New member
« Reply #18 on: June 20, 2017, 08:21:47 PM »
 :hug: because they don't know how to handle it.I,m making an assumption here that some of these friends are friends of you both,so to some degree they may also be shocked and grieving,but also I think people get frightened by our grief because they just can't understand it,and if They havnt experienced it they have no idea how life changing it is for you.Someone here has said he thought it was a case of back to normal after the funeral until his wife died and then he realised its far from being true.

Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #19 on: June 20, 2017, 10:15:13 PM »
I am not sure,  they have supposed to have gone through something like this, no they are new friends. I am just fed up with it all to be honest.... i can really do without this no wonder im on anti depressants, better off being on my own.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: New member
« Reply #20 on: June 21, 2017, 08:29:53 AM »
Doesn't sound like a very caring response from your friend . :-(  I think unfortunately some people are happy to be around as long as it doesnt make them feel uncomfortable. But you should be able to say how you feel. I hope your other friends are more understanding and supportive

I think photography is a great idea. Later on my grief journey my friends daughter convinced me to join instagram (so I could see her pictures). Whilst on there one of the people I follow posted a photography challenge - for a month each day of the month had a theme/word,  such as 'yellow', 'drink', and you had to take a photo on that theme and post it each day. I really enjoyed it, in a way it taught me a version of mindfulness - each day I'd be thinking about what to photo, or being aware of my surroundings to see what to photo, and at the end of the day was lovely to see everyones photos and interpretations.  I still take lots of photos now, almost like a photo diary, capturing moments throughout each day.  I also found instagram helped bring back some inspiration to get back into my art xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #21 on: June 21, 2017, 09:42:56 AM »
No not very supportive, I wouldn't mind if she told me herself rather than going through her dad, this is not the first time, so ive decided not to text anymore. Other friends have been good with me we try and meet each week for a coffee or a drink. I have lost so much confidence over the past few months i feel awkward texting people now and nervious  posting how i feel on here I feel like I'm being a nuisance. This latest one has set me back again and really upset me it's probably because I'm at rock bottom.
Yeah I was thinking about joining Instagram my late wife was always taking photos of flowers this time of year which I often did the same.

Offline Karena

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Re: New member
« Reply #22 on: June 21, 2017, 02:26:54 PM »
 :hug:

You are not a nuisance at all. Never feel bad about posting here thats the whole point of this forum otherwise it just wouldnt exist -somewhere to come where you can post as many times,and as long or short as you chose.Its about mutual support we have all been on the same road of losing loved ones we,re just at different points on that journey but always happy to reach out a hand and help some-one else over some of the hurdles, whether we have climbed them and reach back or whether we climb them together.

Without falling out with some-one i think you know when its time to let them drift and focus on the soilid part of the life raft that is still there for you.Your friend would have had all the good intentions in the world when offering to help -everyone does- but its not possible for them to always follow through with that, it doesnt make them bad people everyone has a different role to play -maybe her upset is because she is being reminded of feelings she hasnt dealt with herself in her own grief.
Losing confidence is horrible i never had much to start with but gradually i am gaining some back.There are still lots of things i cant do but long ago there was a discussion on here about eating out alone -it was kind of a benchmark measure of confidence -and i said i could never see the day when i would do it -and i never have, but later i realised it doesnt matter because i dont need too -you have to pick the dragons you actually want to slay.I can get on a plane and fly to Africa on my own -because my daughter lives out there so its really important to me  -but i cant eat out in a cafe down the road alone and i dont really care because eating out wasnt important when there was two of us so why on earth should it be important now.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: New member
« Reply #23 on: June 21, 2017, 04:18:01 PM »
Losing confidence does seem to be an integral part of the grief journey.  I guess its understandable, we have taken a big knock/hit, often our very foundations have been shaken and we often have to do new things which we didnt choose to do.  I certainly lost alot of confidence

And please dont feel a nuisance - we all understand the journey here  :hearts:

I agree with karena, focus on the other friendships.  I found over time different friendship bonds will be stronger or weaker, depending on what I was going through - and thats ok - some people may not be right for certain times.  I had one friend in particular who would always see past the 'I'm fine' mask and we became much closer, whereas other friends didnt understand as they hadnt been bereaved

Dont worry about the confidence at this stage, it will come back, focus on being gentle with yourself and see that this is a time for 'healing' (just like if you had a physical injury it takes time to get back on your feet)  To hopefully give you some hope, I'll share what I do. I keep a little book of new things I want to try, and at the back I keep a list of all the things I've tried and done - there's a list of gigs I've been to, list of new/unusual things I've done (flown an owl & hawk) and things I've achieved (like going for a meal alone, or to the theatre alone).  That really motivates me, and reminds me of what I am capable of and gives me something to strive towards (compound bow archery is on there at the moment in my want to do list)  we so often forget the things we've achieved - it's too easy to feel daunted instead.  And the achievement list can be anything - anything which felt like it was a challenge to you at the time.  May be too soon in your journey, but might be something to consider trying later on if it sounds like something you'd find motivating/helpful

I do find instagram is really useful for inspiration, finding ideas to try, or just viewing beautiful pictures - there's so much on there.  May find it helps a bit on your journey.  And seems theres several people who do random photo challenges on there, so may find one which matches your interest too xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #24 on: June 21, 2017, 08:39:57 PM »
Thank you for your replies, yes I think i lost confidence very quickly, Liz was my rock she made me feel safe and secure all of a sudden she wasnt there, shecwas my best friend as well now i have noone to talk too its so lonely, it's going to take a long time before i feel like i did before liz passed away . I had to give up work and take on all household chores which fortunately we always shared but now its full on.
I also have a teenager with learning difficulties which has added to the stress, hes ok but just needs constant reminding to do things.
I think you are right I need to think about and look after myself a lot better, I dont have much me time at the moment its all new but we have got yourself into some sort of routine.

Offline Karena

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Re: New member
« Reply #25 on: June 23, 2017, 06:12:19 PM »
Routine kind of helps,because if you can stick too it,it gets through the day,even the bad ones. But it takes a while to get one when its all new.looking after yourself is often something that drops off the bottom of the list,but its really important,you can't look after anyone else if you don't.
I did a big reminder poster for my grandson to put in the kitchen.Kind of a checklist for going to school.Might be a bit babyish for a teenager.If he's addicted too his phone like mine is its the one thing he never forgets so he gets texted reminders as well.

Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #26 on: June 23, 2017, 09:51:48 PM »
Yeah that's the first thing I did made sure the boys carried with their routine after school activities, swimming etc I've been looking after everyone since liz passed away made sure everything has been done in the house as normal as possible routine has helped me get through so far, its been exhausting thou,  it's just that all the decisions are down to me now where as before we used to discuss and share  everything.

Offline Karena

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Re: New member
« Reply #27 on: June 24, 2017, 05:45:46 PM »
I know ,and its a very frightening thing even if you make a decision,having no one to run it past,no one to say either you're crazy,or its a good idea,even the little things locking the door,checking the smoke alarms,deciding if the child needs medical attention,what's for tea,should I let them play this game/go to the pictures with their mates.suddenly its all down to you and just you and it is really difficult. :hug:

Offline Fairclough60

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Re: New member
« Reply #28 on: June 28, 2017, 09:58:16 AM »
Feel down today, went for a walk yesterday the first time for a few weeks, i have a bulging disc and a disc pushing on my spine which has resulted in around 30 % loss of movement in my left foot. My back and leg hurting today but at least I managed to get out..felt ok at the time and enjoyed getting out in the fresh air..yeah its hard work one of the boys kicked off on Saturday swore at me in temper because he couldn't go on the Xbox it's just so stressful dealing with everything on your own.

Offline Rachaellee

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Re: New member
« Reply #29 on: August 09, 2017, 02:58:38 AM »
I am so sorry for your loss. I so wish I had children at this time, but do not, though another part of me says I am lucky, because I do not have a child grieving for their father. But enjoy your boys, get out together if you can.