Author Topic: New today  (Read 1097 times)

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Offline purplerose

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New today
« on: May 09, 2018, 09:41:08 AM »
Hi all,
I've been a guest member on this forum for a while and trying to take advice as I was too shy or maybe a little ashamed at the way I'm feeling to post. But it's come to the point where I'm struggling to cope and I feel very isolated so I thought I'd make a big step and post.

I lost my grandad in January from Endocarditis. It all seemed to happen so  quickly. In December he went into hospital and it was such a rollercoaster as he was getting better and then it quickly went down bank. Due to my dad leaving when I was 5, Grandad was very much my dad in my eyes.

Since the day it happened I feel broken. I don't even feel like the same person anymore. I can seem okay one minute and then completely distraught the next. People keep saying "it gets easier" and if I'm honest it takes all my energy not to snap at them ... because it isn't. It's getting harder.

I struggle with Depression and Anxiety anyway. My mum, brother and Nan are usually large support systems to me, but they are broken too. My partner their best but they are supporting their relative through terminal cancer and have a traumatic time of it themselves. I have friends but they don't seem to understand. I suppose it doesn't help when I can't even bring myself to talk about him.

It's the first loved one I've lost. So I have no idea if anything is normal. I'm completely distant from everyone, I'm struggling at work, I feel very angry towards the hospital (I know this is irrational), I'm pushing friends away, I'm a manager at work so when I'm in "manager mode" at work I can manage just about, as soon as I leave work I'm a mess again. I've started having irrational thoughts such as if my partner is late home from work they may have died in a car crash.

Other family members seems to be getting on with their lives and they can laugh and smile at the amazing memories my grandad created for us all ... all that is stuck in my mind is "grandad has gone" and the coffin lowering. Any other memories are too painful or I assume shut away somewhere.

I've been to the doctors and the counselling wait list was months long. I've tried bereavement lines but I just breakdown and can't talk.

I'm sorry for the long message.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: New today
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2018, 08:59:25 PM »
Sending you a big welcome hug  :hug:

All you describe is normal for grief.  It's such a mix of intense emotions, it truly is a rollercoaster.  People will say that it gets easier, it does have truth in it but it is not comforting to us in the early stages. At the beginning I would not have believed that myself (but I can assure you it's true  :hearts:
)  It's a rollercoaster journey that takes time, some days it will feel like you're taking one step forward and three steps back.  It's a painful process. It will take time, but you won't have this full intensity the entire time, it will change

But I can assure you that you are not alone in this journey, everyone here understands. Focus on one day at a time, and on particularly bad days focus on an hour at a time. Gradually those better moments will come, and easier days will grow between the bad. But right now, concentrate on being kind to yourself. Grief is exhausting and you need to take care of yourself.   Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: New today
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2018, 11:21:01 AM »
 :hug:I can only really repeat was Emz has said, everything you describe is "normal" however we all have a different "normal", as we are all different people, some things we dont experience, others at different times on this journey. If you already have anxiety and depression then the fear -which all of us experience to some degree, around the realisation of the fragility of life and how easilly we can lose some-one else, is likely to be harder to overcome for you.
 
What we feel is as bad as any physical pain, but there is no plaster cast or crutches,people cant see it,and cant understand it.But also like a physical injury the acute pain fades over time into a chronic ache with flare ups,Its a long time before we can run any marathons,and there will be setbacks, and days we get impatient with the whole process, -with ourselves, try to rush it then fall over.

 Sharing happy memories is a positive thing to do - its not easy but maybe by collecting your own and sharing them it will overcome the horrid ones you are pulling up, and your relationship, your insight into the man who became the father you were missing is going to be unique to you. But sharing them may help the others in your familly who are brocken at the same time.
It feels like a life time, but January is not as long ago as it seems and this is a long journey.