Author Topic: Grieving  (Read 1991 times)

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Offline PaulaJaney

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Grieving
« on: March 26, 2019, 08:17:50 PM »
Feel I am unable to grieve properly as there seems so much paperwork to sort & partners Mum is going at things 100 miles an hour. Appreciate we all grieve differently. Anyone else feel the same?

Offline Karena

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Re: Grieving
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2019, 10:25:52 AM »
I certainly found the paperwork hard to deal with - but i can see why your MIL is doing it at 100mph, it is a form of displacement activity and something a lot of people do. and you are right people do grieve differently, there is no proper way to do it - there are things we recognise as common too it but those things happen at different times in no particular order and other people miss some altogether or have completely different experiences - which is why we tend to not quote theorys here as though they were gospel - they can be useful guides though.
One of the most difficult things about grief is that as humans we tend to put things in slots and file them away so grief theory emerged, and so many people think the victorian "year of mourning" is something to follow when in truth it was for convenience of society ( marrying off widows) not a reflection of grief at all. Grief doesnt let us put things in boxes, so it is important you are allowed to do it your way and if taking some time out from the paperwork is something you need to do then thats fine too but i am guessing your MIL is on your back about it so easier said than done perhaps.
I found writing a list of all the stuff to be done in some sort of priority order and then doing one a day, crossing each off as i did it helped.
It shows you how far you have come through the list and helps sort out the panicked muddle our brains can present us with, as the things we need to do often become bigger in our heads and seem more unsumountable than they really are. So while grief itself cant be put in a box, some of those practicalitys can be - i think because grief throws us out of control, doing the things we can control methodically means we can slowly gain some back with the smaller things like paperwork. 

Offline PaulaJaney

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Re: Grieving
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2019, 05:14:25 PM »
Thank you. That made alot of sense. Tearful today so even opening an envelope addressed to my late partner was a trial!

Offline Karena

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Re: Grieving
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2019, 11:25:08 AM »
 :hug: I remember that feeling all too well, one of the worst was when the hospital rang to ask why he had missed an apointment,i could hardly get the words out,and then the poor woman on the phone was so mortified that it hadnt been marked on their system i ended up comisserating with her.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Grieving
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2019, 11:32:29 AM »
Hello PaulaJaney,

Although there are practical things you have to do after someone dies, every task feels too huge to manage when you are grieving. I think, for some people, going at it at 100 miles an hour is their way of coping with the grief. They throw themselves into sorting all the practical stuff to avoid thinking about the more personal side of things. For others; for me; that didn't work. Much like you, I found it all too hard. I had no one to help me, so I had to force myself to do it, but I still resent all the additional stress it added to my weary shoulders. So, in a way, as long as you are comfortable with someone else doing it, let them get on with it. It will be a little less pressure on you. If you are uncomfortable with it. perhaps talk to her and try to get her to hold off or slow down with the things you are uncomfortable about.

Try to take care of yourself and maybe talk to your partner's mum. She may think she is helping you or just trying to block out her own grief. Either way, you probably both need to take some time to catch your breath. As long as financial matters are sorted and you have access to money, most things can wait a while. If tax is involved, you have a year to sort that out. Bills and deeds can be changed over in time, but as long as the death is registered, there is little else that is urgent, so take your time and let his mum get on with doing what she wants to do, but tell her gently, if you feel uncomfortable with anything she is doing. Be gentle with one another. You have enough to cope with at the moment. Thinking of you.. :hug: