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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Sudden Death
« Last post by Karena on Today at 11:44:02 AM »
Hi Ramesh

You are at the start of a long difficult journey and it is very early days. It is almost 7 years now since my husband died  so i am a lot further along it than you.

You are right people that are left in your life do change, some will fade away others step up and remain by your side.
I think the periods of numbness are your brains way of giving you a period of  rest while it can process what has happend.I distinctly remeber one morning as i set off for work seeing buildings and cars and people moving through their lives as though i was looking from a great distance and actually wondering if it was me who had died.

I know what you are saying about not wanting to let go of your pain - and that instinct to hide away and wrap yourself in it is also a perfectly natural response us humans with our busy lives and timed slots deny our instincts -often they conflict with societys expectations - but the need to withdraw too the lair like that is a natural instinct  - You might also feel that it would be a betrayal  to come back out. The first time you laugh that guilt hits,then the first day you enjoy doing something, or the first time you go on holiday - but in time you will come to see that allowing yourself some happiness isnt letting her go, because just as in life both pain and joy are shared and joy doesnt have to end, but is shared in a different way.She will still guide your life even though she is no longer physically present in it.
We never stop loving some-one when they die, and we can build on that love and use it to find a way to move forward in our own lives by calling on that love.

I decided i would live my life for us both and overcoming some of the hurdles too get that without falling into the endless pit of despair that his physical presence left behind isnt easy. Even now i can get very close too the edge at times,and find i am suprised to be back there -this up coming anniversary is one of them -why is this any worse then the last few i dont know - but then i imagine him watching,and holding out a hand to steady me and move away from the edge again.
If there is anything good that could possibly have come from all this, it is that by trying to look at the world through two pairs of eyes i see its beauty much more clearly than i ever did before -and yes i used to put a pillow in the bed too  - but i find i dont need to fill that space now as in an intangible way he still fills it.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello again - 6 months on
« Last post by Karena on Today at 10:27:36 AM »
Hi again.
If you find writing helps then you could start your own diary thread -i used to write one in letter form on the old forum board -i found the act of writing helped -reading back when i felt i had taken 1 step forward and 2 back just so i could see that it wasnt really the case -but also because i was writing letters it also helped me focus on the here and now because it wasnt all about how much i missed him but also what i was doing what familly was doing -where i had been,the stse of the garden -just everyday stuff that i supose you would write in an old fashioned letter if some-one had gone away for any reason.
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I think that about sums it up -except i wonder if we really do fool our friends -our real friends -when we say that and do they say too our other friends "she is fine," or do they say "she says she is fine but ---"
and your brother would he really think you are silly or would he quietly breathe a sigh of relief because he feels the same but cant express it in case you think he is being silly.

Going back to work after 4 years isnt easy for anyone, without all the additional complications you have from grief  -i was wondering have you thought about doing a short part time course first -it would probably boost your confidence, give you a goal - and also look good on your CV.
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How are you?

It’s a good question, it’s a caring question. I cannot answer that question.

How are you today?

Also a good question, a slightly more understanding question. How am I today? It depends who you ask. If you ask the me of this morning, who was paralysed by a photograph of her Dad and herself on her wedding day she happened to glance at as she grabbed the milk out of the fridge, she is not ok. She saw the photograph, she watched the memories of that day behind her eyes like a slideshow, she watched herself be walked down the aisle by her beloved father and watched the tears of pride and joy in his eyes as he confirmed that he was there to “give this woman”. She watched that piece of life play before her eyes as she reached for the milk and was once again broken by the reality that her father is no longer there. Yet there he is, captured in time in a photographic window of the past. These memories are far from sad, but they hurt. That me is not ok, that me still does not understand how a person can no longer be, that person cannot accept the truth that she will never see her father again.

If you ask the me of an hour later, she is fine. She helped her kids dress and clean their teeth, piled them into the car, laughing at a joke one said and felt proud that the other is starting to talk more, sharing her little voice with the world. She drove happily to nursery and gave her kids a kiss and a cuddle as she dropped them off. She got back into the car and made a few phone calls. Sorrow and loss did not cross her mind as she went about her business. She greeted other mums and dads at nursery with a wave and a smile and she answered the question “how are you?” with a “fine thanks”, because in that moment, for that piece of her day, she really was fine.

How are you on the whole?

I can answer that question. Up and down. Up and down is what I am. I cannot predict when I will be paralysed by grief, I cannot guess when the wave will hit me or how long it will take for the wave to become ripples and slowly ebb away once more. It might be that I am fine for a week, you would never guess during that time that I am plagued by such sorrow. Your friends might ask after me, “how is she doing then?” they might say, and you would say “ah she’s fine!”.

If you are fine half of the time, are you fine?

Sometimes my brother calls and he asks how I am doing. I would feel melodramatic telling him the above. Speaking of this other me frequently strangled by grief who simply cannot process that the unthinkable happened, who does not understand why the universe didn’t stop and take notice.

The me who is fine feels silly admitting to the other “overly emotional” me, the “dramatic” me.

And yet I am mostly alone during the day. I cannot seem to do anything. I have been a stay at home mum for the past 4 years. I should be out there searching for jobs, but I am afraid to, I often feel socially anxious, awkward, lacking in self-confidence.



How are you? I don't really know, but keep asking.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello again - 6 months on
« Last post by Emz2014 on Today at 08:13:02 AM »
yes, there is.  A link for it can be found on the home page (http://www.bereavementuk.co.uk/), you will see it further down in the list - called live evening chatting with members
We also have a facebook page, and the link is in the same list  :hearts: xx
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello again - 6 months on
« Last post by EmmaInRome on February 19, 2018, 10:51:04 PM »
Thank you Emz - is there a live chat session/room? If so could you give me a look no for it please?

Again, many thanks 🙏
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Sudden Death
« Last post by Lost675 on February 19, 2018, 08:17:30 PM »
The empty bed feeling is awful. I put a pillow in the bed on my husbands side. Somehow, just helps me feel the bed isn't so big and empty.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello again - 6 months on
« Last post by Emz2014 on February 19, 2018, 07:38:32 PM »
Hi Emma

People use the board in a variety of ways, can ask for tips, just come to share whats on your mind/need to talk through, can do a diary where you regularly write to your loved one or just join us for some light hearted daily chat
We are not professionals here, just a group of people who have lost loved ones and all understand the grief rollercoaster. Xx
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Mum
« Last post by Emz2014 on February 19, 2018, 07:36:10 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug: this grief rollercoaster truly sucks, you're never alone here. Hold on in there xx
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Sudden Death
« Last post by Emz2014 on February 19, 2018, 07:35:16 PM »
 :hug: sending a welcome hug.  This grief rollercoaster takes time and I hope you find some comfort/support here during your journey xx
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