Author Topic: Hi I'm new  (Read 2614 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Sharneyfergykeps1986

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 4
  • Karma: +0/-0
Hi I'm new
« on: October 28, 2017, 02:16:20 PM »
Hi My name is sharne, I'm 31 and I lost my partner Mark, of 11 years on the 30th of August. We was on a family holiday in spain with our 9 year old daughter and on the second week he had a stroke. He was only 39. When the ambulance came I couldn't go in with him because I had our daughter so I followed behind in the car. I didn't realise that would be the last time I would see him conscious. He fell into a coma, they did two operations but he passed away two days later when they switched off he's life support machine. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't realise how serious it was when he went I to the ambulance. I told Mark every single day how much I loved him except that one morning. I didn't kiss him before he was taken into the ambulance. I was trying to get everything together. I even picked up he's flip flops because I knew he would need them for when he came home. I had no idea he wouldnt be coming back. We were in Murcia in spain and very few people spoke English and I speak very basic Spanish so the language barrier made things so difficult for me to understand when doctors were trying to explain things to me. I still can't believe this has happened. I still think he's going to walk back through the door. I keep putting he's clothes into the wardrobe as if he is going to be wearing them again. He's work boots are outside the front door where he let them before we went on holiday and I can't bring myself to move them. My daughter seems to be carrying on as if everything is normal but I feel like I can't carry on. I miss him so much. I hope this forum will help me understand how I am feeling and listening to other people's stories will make me realise I am not alone. Thank you for reading xx

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2017, 05:39:08 PM »
Hi and welcome.What a terrible shock that must have been,not surprising you didn't know what was happening not just the language barrier but having a stroke so young let alone such a massive one.I think its safe to say that everyone here also has the if onlys when it comes too wishing we had said or done something differently .its a normal part of grief but he knew you loved him even though you didn't get chance to say it that day

.When my husband died,also from a stroke, I had to move house so packed stuff up,but took it with me.I hung his dressing gown on the bedroom door  in the new place and spun myself a little story of how he was working away.Of course I knew it wasn't true but I needed it to be there at the time.There is no need to move his stuff until you are ready,however long it takes.six years on I still have one of his fleeces that I snuggle up in on winter nights. :hug:

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2017, 07:11:27 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Sharneyfergykeps1986

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 4
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2017, 09:24:30 AM »
Thank you both for the warm welcome.

Karena, thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I might have to move too. I don't think I will be able to afford to stay where I am living at the moment on my salary. I am very worried about having to move. I can't bear the thought of living in a home where he hasn't lived with me. I can't imagine living somewhere where I can't picture him in the rooms because he would never have been there. I also feel that moving will also be like moving on from him and closing a chapter on our life. How did you feel about moving and how long after did you move?

I still haven't unpacked he's suitcase from Spain yet. I can't face it. Mark did used to work away and I wouldn't see him for 3 or 4 days at a time so in my head I think I do just imagine him being at work and then all of a sudden the reality hits that he really isn't coming back. I look at photos of him and see him looking so happy and smiling and a picture of heath and I just think how has this happened? How is it that I will never see him again or hear he's voice?

The paramedics were aware that he had a stroke but they took him to a hospital where they couldn't do anything for him and 3 hours were wasted before he arrived at a second hospital. I just keep thinking if he was taken to the second hospital first he would still be here with me. I'm in the process of trying to obtain all medical notes to try and understand why he was taken to the wrong hospital in the first place and at what point he went into a coma. I can't imagine how he must have been feeling scared and alone in an ambulance with people speaking Spanish around him and not knowing that i was following in the car. I know this isn't going to bring him back but I feel I need to know that everything possible was done to save he a life.  I also keep thinking if it had happened here in the UK would the outcome have been different.

Thank you for listening xxx

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2017, 07:05:39 PM »
 :hug: moving wasn't easy but I also had no choice.I know its hard to think of living somewhere he hasn't,but its absolutely not closing the door on him.Weigh it up against what the alternatives are.If you stay can you afford to eat and keep warm.What else might you have to give up just tovkeep afloat,because I,m pterry sure he would not have wanted you to have that kind of struggle either.My children were independent so I had to only consider my needs.I clung on for four months but all the time knowing I would have to go.It was a remote place.The winter before I had spent 7 weeks walking across fields to get too and from work because it was cut off.Bearable when there was a lit fire and him coming down to meet me with a torch,but on my own in the dark pretty dangerous with no one to know if I didn't make it home.There was also a lot of land i couldnt manage alone. So that was an issue as well as finance.
But I had the stuff from the house,and the garden.We had a kind of joke about me digging ponds.But he loved the main one and spent a lot of time sitting there.so first thing I did was re create that Perhaps not logical but I thought if he was in another place looking for me he would know when he saw the pond.I don't know what you believe but looking back I don't think I needed to do that I think if there is something more out there,they can still be with us wherever we are,but the pond was a way of saying I was thinking of him I guess.

There will always be what if questions,and understandably you want answers.Some you may get about the choice of hospital .Others probably not.There is no way to know  the right hospital would have saved him if he went straight there.or if he would have done better in the Uk,because there may be know way to know where he would have been in the Uk.maybe at work and taken a fall or driving somewhere and crashed.Its easy to start blaming yourself too,so I hope you are not thinking you shouldn't have gone on holiday.
My husband had already had a stroke  which had left him with some disabilies but this time he  didn't get onto the stroke ward because it was full,so I wondered if the outcome might have been different. He didnt have the classic stroke symptoms that first time,he had a migraine that didnt go away,even the GP wasnt sure but i still blamed myself for not acting earlier But with the second one,I had just got back from my daughters wedding in south Africa. I hadnt wanted to leave him but he insisted so we agreed he would stay with his daughter. I wondered  would I have got him to hospital sooner if I hadn't gone.Maybe,but that doesn't mean the outcome would have been different. I know its difficult and it takes time but at some point we do have to stop torturing ourselves,and accept those questions that just can't be answered.When I arrived at his daughters he said he wanted to go home ,I said we would but we should go to the hospital first just to check.I called the ambulance,and he never got to go home,so I tortured myself because I had denied his desire to go home.Then someone older and wiser on this forum pointed out that I would be doing the same if I hadn't because I would never have known whether there was anything they could have done.It made me stop and think and I came to realise whatever action we took we would always wonder whether the alternative would have changed anything.All we know for sure is that we acted the way we thought best at the time,because we can't see the future.

Offline Hilary B

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Hi I'm new and really pleased to have found this site.
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2017, 10:46:01 PM »
Lost my husband after 46 years together, nearly 11 months ago. Very suddenly and without warning. The most important person in my life. Just devastating. Beginning to function better. Hope I can be of help to others. Those moving add-ons are distracting the hell out of me!!!

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2017, 01:41:19 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug Hilary  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Sharneyfergykeps1986

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 4
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2017, 01:40:23 PM »
Thank you for your reply Karena.

Listening to what you have said about moving is very logical. You are 100% right about him not wanting us to go without just so we can stay in the same home where we lived together so that really is helpful to me. Thank you.

I hope in time I can start to feel that he is with me every where I go. I took my daughter away for a couple of days in the half term and I just felt really anxious about not being at home with him (where the majority of he's ashes are) despite wearing a locket with some of he's ashes in. I couldn't get home fast enough. Maybe it was too soon to be away from home. I felt like I was having to pretend that everything was ok all the time too. I went with a friend and her two children and just kept trying to put on a front so I didn't ruin the break. I did feel guilty about going. I thought that people would look at me and thinking i am carrying on with life and think I didn't care about Mark when that couldnt be further from the truth. My friend got me tickets to a concert on Friday that I also feel like I shouldn't be going to. I definitely feel like it's too soon to be enjoying myself like that. I feel like my in laws think I'm just carrying on with life too not that they have said anything but I am out doing things whereas they very rarely leave the house unless completely necessary. I know people deal with this differently and there is no right or wrong way but I'm just paranoid people will think I am dealing with it differently to how I should be.

I do keep doing the what if what if what if. I think there is a part of me that wants someone to blame. I know that is horrible and no one would have intentionally done this to him but I just feel so angry. I do blame myself too. For months he was complaining of headaches and migraines and dizzy spells and I would just put it down to working too hard (he worked 2 full time jobs) lack of sleep and not drinking enough water. I would basically tell him to stop being such a drama queen and take Nurofen. If only I realised that getting him to a doctor and taking this seriously could have saved he's life but he would always say He didn't have time for the doctors. He has also said that if he had something wrong with him he would rather not know but I don't know if he genuinely meant that. He loved he's life and had too much more to give to end it so soon.


Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Hi I'm new
« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2017, 03:11:31 PM »
Try not to worry about what other people think, what you think matters more.  People dont often see the full picture and if they jump to assumptions thats their issue.
I would think more of what your partner would want for you if he can watch over you.  He knows that going out somewhere is part of helping ourselves stay mentally healthy and in no way shape or form does it lessen your love for him  :hearts:

I lost my dad much too soon, just after his 59th birthday. I had already bought us tickets to go see the Australian Pink Floyd band, and had bought him an experience of flying a hawk and owl as part of his Christmas present.  It was hard but i went to see the band not long after losing him but went with my uncle (his brother), and much later I flew the owl and hawk in memory of my dad.  It was hard initially and had mix of sad feelings and enjoying the experience but I have those memories now which are still connected to him.  It does feel strange at first doing these things, but it does help our slow healing  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx