Author Topic: am i doing all the right things? Any advice welcome  (Read 2875 times)

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Offline Louise74

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am i doing all the right things? Any advice welcome
« on: November 07, 2017, 01:43:23 PM »
Hi all

After several weeks of feeling like I'm going backwards with how I feel and how I'm coping, I found this forum and am hoping the support will help.

I lost my mum on March 1st this year. We had a close relationship and I left my job of 26 years last December to help care for her as she was in such a state stuck in her bedroom all day alone on 24hrs oxygen. She had a husband who she had been with for over 20years and he also loved her dearly but had to work in the day to pay the mortgage and bills.
I am so thankful that I got those few months of caring for her, we had so much planned for this year and she had hope for the first time in a long time. even after only a few weeks of caring for her my brother phoned me to say he couldn't believe how much she had improved and her outlook and optimism for some life at least.
unfortunately it was not to be and after 2 more relapses with her COPD she eventually could not fight anymore and passed away at 64 years of age.

Initially obviously I was distraught but somehow maybe due to shock and feeling more numb than I do now I got by for so many months quite well considering. I have a caring husband and 4 boys the youngest is just 3 years old that keep me busy and I haven't wanted to continually cry in front of them because I know it upsets them.
I found myself a new job not long after my mums funeral for 3 days a week and I do have quite a busy life. I still try to be as social as I can be and haven't turned down many invitations or lunches out with friends just to try and keep going.

However, I don't know whether anyone can relate to me but things I do find difficult if not impossible are,

visiting my mums grave/ashes, I don't like going alone as I feel I might become such a mess I wont be able to get myself back home, I don't feel much comfort from going so tend to go evry now and again.

I haven't been inside my mums house since mothers day a few weeks after she died as I was that distraught by her husband still having everything like my mum was still there and I know he finds comfort from that unfortunately I felt it only emphasised the loss of her even more.

On particularly bad days I don't like going to far from home eg over 5 miles alone in case I get in an emotional sate.

I have suffered with anxiety over the years as did my mum and I miss her advice when I'm upset.

I went to see my G.P a few weeks ago and asked him to refer me to a bereavement counsillor which he has done and I have an appointment to speak to someone at the end of next week.

I have also read a few books on grief and loss and they have helped abit.

Any advice on ways of coping and getting through this I would greatly appreciate. I miss my mum terribly I just want to be able to get through and give my boys and husband some of me back that isn't so upset all the time.

Sorry for all of your losses too. :sad:

Kind regards

Louise

Offline Emz2014

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Re: am i doing all the right things? Any advice welcome
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2017, 10:15:02 PM »
Hi Louise

It's a rollercoaster journey, just when we think we're getting the hang of it something else hits us.
As you say, people approach grief in different ways - your mums husband keeping everything the same is his way of comfort.  And its ok for you to feel differently. The grief path is a similar journey but we all have different ways to cope

I think that sometimes we do need to give ourselves extra TLC, when we are overwhelmed reducing the pressure and expectations on ourselves helps. And by staying close to home may be your way to cope on those days.  The question to ask is whether its now and again when you're feeling overwhelmed, which is totally understandable and looking after ourselves or becoming an established pattern and interfering with things you need to do, starting to restrict what you can do on a good day

I found later within the first year I had different challenges, I would react in ways I didnt recognise as me, felt stressed easily, felt like I had lost myself and didnt know me. (Is hard to put into words - but did feel like I was losing the plot a bit!) I lost alot of confidence as well.

There were a few things that helped me, firstly being able to 'talk' here, be able to say how I felt and realising I was not alone (and also reassured me I was not losing the plot!) and the other thing that helped me was to try and allow feelings.  By that I mean I would try to be mindful, realise what I was feeling and in a way accepting that feeling. Didnt give myself a hard time for what I felt.  If I felt down, I would acknowledge it and would treat myself as I would a friend - wouldnt add pressure to get rid of the feeling I felt, but would be understanding to myself, then do something nice - if I felt really down I would find time to watch a favourite film etc. Most often I found the sad/down feeling would ease earlier than if I had tried to fight it

I know others here have talked about how hard it is to visit the resting place.  In a way there's no rush for you to pressure yourself to go there.  We can remember our loved ones wherever we choose.  You could choose a different special place, somewhere which meant something to you both, or even create an area - make a nice part of your garden or somewhere?  Some people choose to write to their loved one, so you are communicating how you feel so you can feel that connection (the writing process also helps). You could write a diary to your mum, or just write in a book about your memories and feelings?

Hope it helps to chat about ideas here  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Louise74

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Re: am i doing all the right things? Any advice welcome
« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2017, 08:52:15 AM »
Hi Emz2014

Thank you so much for your reply.

It does help so much to talk with people who understand. I know what you mean about feeling lost as I have felt like that at times, feeling like your losing the plot and feeling like everything is out of balance as though I'm bobbing about on the ocean going up down up down and never knowing where I'm at. Ive tried to think of seeing it as though I have to learn to tread water and go with it until the feelings pass but somedays have felt almost unbearable. I spoke to my brother last night and he told me I'm not alone and he also feels the same but I think just lately we have stopped talking about it for fear of upsetting each other.

I get what you say about accepting the feelings as best we can also, ive had to do a lot of similar accepting with my recovery of anxiety and the associated symptoms over the years and I know if you try to fight it or push it away it can make it worse.

I like the idea of a special place to feel a conection with my mum, I did plant some carnations (mums favourite flowers) in my garden in the summer but they have died off now but I think I will plant something else with abit of colour for over the winter and I have an old bench that my husband keeps threatening to restore so that would be nice to make a place to sit. I think I could write to her aswell that might bring some comfort.

Thank you for the advice, I hope your day is a good one  :hug:

Louise

Offline Karena

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Re: am i doing all the right things? Any advice welcome
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2017, 06:23:07 PM »
Hi Louise.I wrote a long reply last night then lost internet connection,but I pretty much said the same as Emz anyway.I would emphasise treat yourself as you would a friend though,because its very easy not too,which makes things worse in the end.
It is a lot of years since my mum died and not the reason I came here,but she stayed with us when she got very I'll and loved to watch the birds in the garden,so I put feeders where she could watch from the window.After she died I made a corner of the garden into a memory garden for her with a bench, small water feature which the wildlife also enjoyed along with the feeders.Mostly planted perrenials so they come up each year and a few evergreens so winter never turned it all grey.I didn't know it then but sitting there with a coffee watching the birds gave me so much pleasure I have since become a bit of a wildlife  warrier,and that is something which has sustained me through some terrible times ever since.So it does feel that she has created this legacy for me  and in doing so continued to be there for me.

Offline Louise74

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Re: am i doing all the right things? Any advice welcome
« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2017, 01:53:46 PM »
Hi Karena

Thank you for your advice it means a lot. I'm sorry that you have had some very difficult times to get through too. :hug:

Ive asked my husband if he will sort the bench out for me to sit and I'm going to go to the garden centre tomorrow to get myself a few plants. I have a lovely garden heater/log burner aswell so will be nice to sit out there even if its abit chilly.

It is my mums birthday next weds so am thinking of getting some flowers but not sure whether to give them her husband to take to her stone or go with him over the weekend. I will see how I feel I suppose. This will be her 1st birthday since we lost her.

take care and thanks

Louise


Offline Karena

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Re: am i doing all the right things? Any advice welcome
« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2017, 08:03:32 PM »
 :hug:see how you feel as you said,Firsts can be very difficult,but for him too,so maybe you can support each other.

Offline Kate3027

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Re: am i doing all the right things? Any advice welcome
« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2017, 08:35:01 PM »
Hi Louise,

I am so sorry for your loss. I felt compelled to write as I lost my dad this September to COPD and I wanted to say what a wonderful thing you did to care for your mum, and from what you wrote it really brought her back to you for those last few months and that is a wonderful thing.
I am not very far at All along my grief journey and the advice of the other members is really wonderful. I just wanted to share with you my deepest sympathies and say that there is always someone here reading and feeling. Didn't want to read and run.

Offline Louise74

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Re: am i doing all the right things? Any advice welcome
« Reply #7 on: November 22, 2017, 09:09:00 PM »
Hi Kate

Sorry only just replied and thank you so much for the message of support.
Am so sorry to hear of the loss of your dad also to copd. Your right it was nice to see my mum much more positive and happier the time I spent with her in her last few months.
I have struggled with the loss of missing her so much and of memories of how at times she did suffer as I'm sure you do of your dad but I hope in time that this pain becomes less and we can carry on and live our lives as they would have wanted. I hope you are managing okay under the circumstances.

Take care and hope your day was not too bad.

Louise