Author Topic: Mums visiting after dad died at christmas  (Read 1715 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Deborah30

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Karma: +0/-0
Mums visiting after dad died at christmas
« on: January 24, 2018, 10:15:58 AM »
Hi...

Sorry to everyone one here who is going through this it's really horrible and hurts a lot...

 

I'm debs, im 30. my dear old pa died suddenly on the 16th December 2017 from an aortic aneurysm with my loving ma at his side, all anyone can ask for. Although he had been very skinny his whole life and suffered from copd from smoking like a trooper (35 Marlborough reds a day in the end!) And most of my memories of him are of his normal assumed position of lying on his sofa watching the news or reading as he had I think suffered from depression after losing his job and house to the recession and being generally beaten down for being a good man and that was where he was happiest... putting the world to rights :)


 
He did suffer with a stroke which affected his appetite and he said everything tastes like slime or ash so he got even skinnier...

It appears he was taking a lot of ibuprophen for his back pains which could have been the cause of the aneurysm so be careful!

 

Anyway so it was a shock none the less and when I got the call from mum I thought she was about to tell me that her sister had died who has terminal cancer but it was dad. I still can't believe it. I was very accepting of the news at first, glad he never got old (he was 69) glad he never got sick and had to be in and out of the hospital ( he would never go) glad mum was there and glad the last chat we had was a good one, full of a father's advice. Then I went home 2 days after the call. Mum won't cry in front of me which makes me not want to cry to upset her, half my pain is the sorrow I feel for her!

My dad never wanted a funeral he couldn't bare the idea of people moping around feeling sorry which I always said isn't fair for us but could understand my dad and his ways...kind of endearing, he didn't want anyone being sad, it was his way of protecting us I think.

So we had a memorial and sent his body to be cremated with none of his loved ones standing by him to see him out as it were on the 5th january...i later found out dad was put in a queue and wasn't cremated until the 18th, 6 days ago. It's an extra bit messed up but I'm trying not to focus on these points...

My sister's being amazing helping mum with the paperwork, benefits ect getting her sorted...I don't even know how to approach Mum! I keep sending her awkward I love you messages but I'm so worried I will say something inappropriate or too soon and upset her so just left not knowing what to say because I know she is all stiff upper lip and doesn't want to get mushy with me?! I don't know what it is I can't put my finger on  it please help! So then because I'm not in touch much I fear she will think I don't care but she is all I care about right now, my mum's really cared for my dad been through thick and thin and really stood by her man, it's been hard to see her almost put to waste it felt she couldn't go anywhere because my dad had always be super dependant on her even before he was legitimately sofa bound! Now she's "free" and has booked a flight to stay with me in spain where I live in 2 weeks, rehomed the dog in fear of not being able to afford it and worrying she will need to get a job now (she was dads carer) so yeah, rehomed the old dog (?!) Poor old Lucy dog... and signed up to a house and pet sitting agent - which is great...

I am just wanting some help to get through this, I have my partner who is the only person I know here really so he's getting it all, it must be draining to see your girlfriend cry for hours every morning... so I could do with an extra shoulder to cry on... I want to be strong when mums here...kinda of anxious about her visit, she's never been able to visit me anywhere coz of looking after dad so this is a big deal!!

I want her to feel proud and for dad too...I just don't know how to handle the situation...

Sorry if this is all over the shop, my heads a wreck!

Thank you for anyone who took the time to read this it feel good just to write it down.

Debs

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Mums visiting after dad died at christmas
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2018, 01:38:50 PM »
First of all sorry for your loss. As a widow and a mum perhaps i can try help with your questions.

Coming to spain will be a big thing for your mum.I went to my daughters in south africa on my own and was terrified -if i,m honest i still get ridiculousely anxious when i go, but not nearly as bad as it was. A lot of it is centred round the airport -the way i counteract this is by being super (over) prepared - making sure i know exactly what the airlines weight allowance, and other rules around baggage is -putting everything into a zipup plastic bag that is liquid or gel beforehand so not trying to do it at the airport lithium camera batterys taped over the top if theyre not in packaging etc and putting all my jewellery onto one chain -long enough so i can just lift it off and put it in the tray without nervous fiddling trying to get rings off swollen clammy fingers etc and getting het up about it.I check in online but print it out (just in case) this year i got brave and got it sent to mobile (but still printed it out just in case)
Also leaving plenty of time to get too the airport -even if that means being way too early -reduces the anxiety build up - and then once baggage is checked in i go too the boards and check gate number, as soon as it appears i then go and and locate the gate -before working back from there to nearest seating/loos/ shop area (because i am ridiculously early)

It sounds crazy if youre used to hopping on and off flights, but if youre not used to that and add too that the extra anxiety that bereavement can create it is much more major -i had been on shorter trips on my own when he was alive,i had been a confident traveller on my own -but crazy as it sounds when he wasnt there at home any more somehow the confidence to do anything at all just went.

On that first trip i was ready to abandon the whole thing in Amsterdam and get a ferry back too the UK -then i got a text from her saying well done for getting so far, and how she was proud of me for doing it - and really looking forward to seeing me -which made such a difference too my attitude -if she was proud of me then i had to continue the journey and justify that pride.

Going to spain there probably wont be a transit airport -but just keeping in touch and expressing how much you are looking forward to seeing her when she is at the departure airport will help her.

While she is there perhaps play it by ear a bit -she might want to spend some time alone so respect that but dont leave her alone too long.I found being gooseberry with my daughter and her husband was quite painful too -which sounds really mean and selfish but we did quite a bit of walking and being the odd one out somehow emphasised i was alone  -i,m not saying change your behaviour with your partner i didnt and she wouldnt want that, but try and build in some time with just her -a shopping trip/lunch out whatever she would like.

What to say is a more difficult one. As a parent the last thing you want is to see your children upset -obviousely you are upset because you have lost your dad so she knows that but she might feel allowing you to see her pain will increase yours if that makes sense.
 
She may not want to express her emotions about her grief -but at the same time not want to feel your dad has been forgotten -so maybe you could throw in something like -do you remember when dad did this --------- sharing things around his life rather than his death might work - i found that much easier - and also by sharing those happier memorys you very slowly start to focus on those rather than the ones around the end of some-ones life. Dont push it if her reaction is negative we are not all the same so i can only speak for myself .and it isnt going to happen in a two week trip this is a long process but something you can build up on even from a distance over time.

Looking forward a bit further. One of the diffficultys i found being mum too adult kids who have left and no longer being carer at home for anyone, was thinking there was no point to my existance anymore - My dog really helped me as he still needed me and i needed something too - but your mum has made a different decision it doesnt mean she will not be feeling she  doesnt have a useful role. I wonder with Lucy  being old, although she also couldnt bear the thought of becoming reliant on her as her companion and then Lucy dying too. In a way trying to protect herself from more heartache.
Ultimately  if she needs to look for work it might not be a bad thing -Even if she doesnt in the end, need to work for financial reasons - part time work might help her with confidence, structuring her day and meeting new people -as well as ensuring that having that bit extra it can pay for unexpected things -that can happen too the house or car without having to constantly worry about them, but also allowing her that freedom -to be able to come back to spain for her holidays or take up a new interest -

Freedom is a very empty vessel if  firstly if it means having to lose some-one you love - i know no-one here wouldnt chose to have our loved ones back over our freedom  -but it is even emptier if all it brings is more emptiness because you dont have the means to do anything with it.

One last thing -there is nothing pathetic about a text saying i love you -believe me every one will have been appreciated -because sometimes its easy to forget when w,ere eally down that some-one loves us. :hug:



 

Offline Deborah30

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Mums visiting after dad died at christmas
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2018, 03:36:16 PM »
Heyy Karena,

Wow thank you so so much, I cant tell you how much thatt meant to me, such a thughful reply from a complete stranger...you really touched me, thank you :)

you sound like me in the airport! I will take in all of your advice, i think i wil read this over and over again :)

and what you said about the dog, Lucy, that really made sense to me and i hadnt thought of that, it totally made sense , the dog is an ex racing grey hound and has seen better days s she probably would have rehomed her to save herself further grief, rip it off like a bandage!

I do live here with my boyfriend who she will meet for the first time but i plan on spending most of the time just me and mum and will be conscious to not rub it in...

Id like to give you a big hug for the time you tok to reply, todays been a very hard day in particular so im draned now, but wanted to say thank you.

Your journey touched me too, thank you again xx

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Mums visiting after dad died at christmas
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2018, 09:55:06 PM »
I am glad I was able to help. :hug: I really hope that the holiday goes well and that you will be able to lean on each other even after she has gone back.I use WhatsApp to talk to my daughter it's great that we can see each other and as she now has a 2 year old daughter I can read her bedtimes stories from across the world.So on a practical level if she doesn't have it but has a smartphone perhaps you could set it up and show her how to use it.Or if she has a pc at home get your sister too there. It might help a bit for both of you too  have that visual closeness too.Your mum clearly has such a caring daughter and even if she can't open up about your dad she will know that you are there for her and maybe will be able too in time.It is still all very raw for you both.
We will be here for you for as long as you need us.

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Mums visiting after dad died at christmas
« Reply #4 on: January 25, 2018, 10:58:55 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug Debs  :hug:  I lost my dad at a young age too, it's a tough journey but you're not alone on that journey here xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx