Author Topic: Shocked and sad  (Read 96 times)

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Offline Greyhoundk

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Shocked and sad
« on: October 10, 2017, 08:15:03 AM »
I decided to join after browsing the forum looking for other people's experience.

I lost my husband if 26 years out of the blue on Sept 30th. He was 51, I am 48. We have two boys aged 15 and 19.

I have been busy with funeral arrangements and financial matters to sort out as my husband dealt with most of it so it's been difficult. I haven't cried since the Sunday after he passed, I feel almost emotionless. Not sure if this is usual ?

My children seem to be coping although I think they are blocking it out. My eldest went back to uni the Monday after he passed. My younger one is supposed to go back to school today but he is not ready.

I am off work until 30th Oct. The funeral is next Friday I'm dreading it.

Any advice would be gratefully received. Thank you

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Shocked and sad
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2017, 09:20:20 AM »
There are so many different emotions of grief.  Feeling emotionless/numb is pretty normal I'd say. There is certainly shock and disbelief.  I wonder sometimes if it can also be a bit of a protection mechanism as later on I felt quite numb - I think when hurting we sometimes shut down a bit to try to avoid more hurt

My main advice would be to take it a day at a time, and on really bad days focus on an hour at a time.  We can often overwhelm ourselves by trying to think into the future but in the early stages we need to focus on the now and looking after ourselves through the pain and rollercoaster journey

And my other tip would be to keep talking, whether thats to family, friends, us here or if need to be more private a journal - getting those thoughts and feelings out really helps.  Over the years I have found journaling really helpful, in a way it helps us make sense of whats in our head rather than bottling it up.  Talking here certainly helped me and over time I have also gained friends xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Shocked and sad
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2017, 01:12:57 PM »
 :hug: I dont think the numbness is unusual,but the brains way of protecting us and also allowing us to be able to get through the quagmire of admin.Its quite possible that your children appear to be coping just as they see you appear to be coping and all of you are in the same state of mind at the moment.even though for one, going back to uni is a solution for the other going back to school isnt -we do re-act differently. Also perhaps the younger one i afraid that if he goes back you something will happen to you too. At 15 its possibly not something he will want too admit too, but inside could  be that fear.

As Emz says take it slowly through one day at a time, its a rollercoaster journey of emotions for all of you,  and the numbness is just part of it - but dont be afraid to let the boys see you are hurting too. Or they may feel they cant  be open about their feelings or need to be "a man" about everything.  By being honest yourself you will be giving them permission to be so too.

Offline Fleur

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Re: Shocked and sad
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2017, 02:03:29 PM »
Hi Greyhoundk. I can only say how sorry I am and that everything that has already been said here is true and helpful, even if you can only manage to follow a little of what has been advised.
My husband of 52 years died suddenly last February and I still have those numb days, it really is a roller coaster journey. Some days are easier though and then we have to be careful not to feel guilty about them. As someone said somewhere else on here " I laugh but the laughter doesn't reach my heart".
As for the day of the funeral it really is taking each minute as it comes, I know I couldn't look any further ahead than that. Most of all do what's right for you, at least as much as you can.

These forums have helped me a lot, I don't talk about my feelings much to family or friends, they all think I'm coping well so it's good to be able to express them here.
You'll be in my thoughts and I hope you stay for the support and friendship.
This too shall pass.

Offline Greyhoundk

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Re: Shocked and sad
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2017, 04:59:44 PM »
 Thank you everyone for your replies and sharing your stories.

I will definitely stay xxx