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How will I cope with this?

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Dibsy:
I heard over the weekend that my long term partner has probably only about two weeks left. The Doctors have been quite truthful; they detailed the many health problems facing my partner which I was glad they told me about as I really needed to know. His illness has come on very quickly and he is in a lot of pain which they are trying to control. Seeing my partner in hospital today, because of his illness, he no longer recognises me.  It is really awful seeing him in such a state, I spend hours talking to him and his personality has changed so much, I know he doesn't mean it when he says 'get off' if I hold his hand, I think this is because of the pain. I have had a very difficult life and then we found each other, he is such a lovely man and we had many plans for the future, we both felt we had found someone special. I know at this time I shouldn't be thinking about myself but I keep thinking that having found someone so lovely, they are now being snatched away from me. I was OK while speaking with the Doctor but then he asked me 'who is looking after you'? That destroyed me because I have no one and it brought home to me he won't be around. The closeness, loving, caring for someone and friendship will all be gone, snatched away. I looked after my Father and then my Mother before they died a few years ago but I don't know how to deal with this. I can't understand how it seems so much worse now. 

Emz2014:
Its an understandable fear - losing your partner is so personal.  And its only natural to also think about yourself aswell in this circumstance. Sending you a big hug, you are not alone here  :hearts: xx

Karena:
It isnt selfish that you are thinking like that,it is very natural to worry how you will cope especially on your own.
Grief for different people does differ, it doesnt mean we loved one more than the other - i have been widowed twice and the second time was different to the first, perhaps its becomes an accumulation.I think not only the pain but sometimes the pain killers are behind the way they respond.The first time,he said some really dreadful things on occasions, but it was a combination of pain killers and fear, eventually you overcome those memorys, you dont forget them but you bring forward in your mind the person they were before the illness and focus on those instead, knowing that they were not themselves at the time, also sometimes i think they are fearful for us,and try to distance themselves from us as a result.
All you can do is take one day,one hour at a time, and i know it sounds like a cliche but it really is the case. We will be here for you and although we are stangers on an onternet forum Emz is right,you are not alone. :hug:

Dibsy:
Thank you both for your replies. I think initially hearing all this bad news it was so unexpected it sent me spiralling into the unknown, not knowing what to think but I now realise the most important thing for me to do is to be with my partner as much as possible and to help him all that I can. I am focused on that now and everything else can wait. Thank you for your support and comments, I am glad I found this site.

Karena:
 :hug: you are right, just remember if he shoves you away, it isnt because he doesnt love you. We will be here as long as you need.

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