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School after bereavement

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Julieanna:
My 15 year old son saw the sudden death of his dad, tried to help me with him, it was a horrible , horrible shock and obviously very traumatic . This was in January but he is still struggling to go to school . The school are being very supportive , he is very resistant to having any councelling, although to be honest , we have been told it doesn't take place for months after so isn't really an option yet . He has gone at times , but then won't t go again. I was really trying to show him we have to carry on , but now the stress about everything is getting me down again , going round in circles. I have been woken a lot by him checking in me, sometimes I pretend to still be asleep as I don't want him to feel bad for asking me. I am wondering if he feels he shouldn't leave me , needs to make sure I just don't stop breathing , as his dad did. My 13 year old has autistic traits and doesn't respond similarly so has managed to keep going to school .I am so worried as my 15 year old is a capable student but has missed lots of days now .Has anyone had these problems?

longedge:
Hi Julieanna, I'm sure that you'll be in regular touch with your son's school. Have they considered seeking help on your behalf from the LEA who will have specialists available who might be of help such as Educational Psychologists and Home Education consultants, something you might think about in the short term. It's certainly an urgent problem especially at your son's age, one that you can't just leave until it resolves itself.

Karena:
Is he in gcse year or the one before - i wonder whether the school would arrange for him to catch up at home, as a lot of the work is done online now he should be able to submit assignments etc  and get homework on line -and revision help as well -  if it is exam year maybe he could be persuaded to go in and sit them - or if its the year before then there is time yet, he could sit them later.

I think he probably is feeling protective of you, after such a trauma and also being an instinct to be the protector as the oldest son, which i know sounds old fashioned, but at 7 years old my grandson decided was his role after hs grandad died and still has that same instinct around me.

But also this is such an already pressured time for him without having to deal with what has happened on top of it - its a lot to ask that he carries on, and perhaps a good time to let him see that his feelings of grief an shock and pain are normal and sometimes it is acceptable to not be expected to just carry on.
While as adults we can make strategys for returning to work, and cope much better with our emotions, for a 15 year old lad the risk of crying in front of his mates or breaking down in the classroom is a far bigger and on top of that probably far bigger in his mind than it needs to be bur thats his age -and the fear of something being said that triggers that reaction is going to be much greater.
As adults we want to avoid it happening but know if it does it will be forgotten , people will try and understand,some will sympathise but  theyre not going to call you names as you laeve the office at the end of the day When you are fifteen that is more likely and more massive. 
 
I would be inclined to try to relax about what he is missing in the classroom this is a huge thing that has happened on top of all the other stresses about passing exams etc etc that children have now and i think that pressure cooker needs some time to release not forgetting they stay in education longer now there is time and the results may be better than those obtained under the kind of pressure he is putting on himself right now  - if he is doing the work at home thats good, if he isnt then maybe you could strike a deal wtih him that you wont pressure him to go back to school until he feels more ready to do that, or maybe et a target of September if he has that extra year,  but only if he agrees to work from home, and if needs be sit the exams later.

Maybe its something you could tackle together and in doing so he will talk to you more and open up about things and also see that you are going to be ok if he leaves the house for a while. :hug:   

Julieanna:
Thank you all for your rep!ies .He is in Year 10 so does have another year to go. He doesn't seem to want to do any work , mostly just wants to sleep really , or do computer games, which I know most teenagers are like anyway at times. I hate to see him like he is , I will take on board what you have all said Thank you. I really appreciate being able to talk about it , sometimes it feels like wading through dog , hitting little pockets of clarity , but then the next step is hard again. It is good to get other thoughts to help. Thanks again

Karena:
Keep talking we will be here as long as you need us.he is the same year as my grandson,who also dislikes school (but goes because he has too) and would rather play computer games, so a big part of your sons behaviour is normal teenage lad behaviour as well, they are under so much pressure from school and being told to think about the future career etc etc at a time when their lives are also changing as they approach adulthood for your son one change has come so fast and hard it must be so hard for him (and for you of course)

My grandson also has familly complications in his life, but having lost his other grandad two days before xmas  adopted a strategy to cope with a crisis by going out for a long mountain bike ride - i dont know if it is possible for your son, depending where you live i iamgine  but something similar to get him outside ( and away from the computer) might help a bit as well.Sleep and games are escapism and so is going for a bike ride but its different because its real, its fresh air and nature and its excercise which is a great way to dissipate anger that he maybe doent know how to express, does he have any mates  who might come round a bit as well - just to get him back in touch with his own age group and activitys to help him see that it is ok to be himself. 

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