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Coping with loneliness

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Badger55:
It is now over two years since Simon died, and I am really struggling with coping with loneliness.  I have no family. I am 60, work full-time, a home owner, go to the gym, love gardening and have a cat.  I see friends at the gym for coffee and occasionally go out for meals.  Yet all of this is no compensation for the feelings of abandonment and loneliness I feel inside, especially when I am home alone in the evenings and at weekends.

I am not convinced that I am suffering from depression, I just feel so terribly alone.  I go online to try and find help in dealing with these feelings, but most resources I find suggest ‘reaching out to family and friends’, but I do not have such resources.  Also, that there is a lot of online advice aimed at young people.  What I want is just to feel OK about being so alone.  I Googled CBT for loneliness, which seems to focus on building self-esteem so that you can go out and make friends.  I do not suffer from low self-esteem and know that at 60 years, the circle of friends that I have is probably complete.

I do not want to go to my GP and be offered medication, given a leaflet, or be told about groups that meet during working hours that I cannot, and probably do not want to attend.

Is there anything available for people to help them cope in this situation following bereavement please?

Karena:
Hi Badger.
I can relate to what you are saying it seems that we are at a difficult age - lots going on for retirees but all before we finish work. - I,m not a joiner of things anyway,as i do have self confidence issues - social anxiety disorder - and like you have work and garden, but  long empty evenings especially in winter -and most weekends go from friday to monday without speaking to anyone and dont work in a job that has much social interaction either  - i am agraphic designer the only female working for a company that lives on planet computer speak -  I do have familly but they dont live nearby.

I dont know whether there are things specifically for people who are lonely due to bereavement there certainly isnt where i live, this site  helped me a lot though because here everyone is suffering the effects of bereavement - but we also find other things in common and have everyday chat section where those things that you would once have gone home and talked about can be written - often it is the little things like that which throw us - i am 8 years along after losing my husband and still only a few weeks ago made coffee for both of us on autopilot.
When i first came here i never imagined i would use the laughing emojie but i do.Our own associated facebook group arrange meets in different areas between them selves so thats another place you could look. 
 I think it very much depends where in the country you are, there was one lady here who found a place called stepping stones, she was in Sheffield but again an older lady so i dont know if it was daytime - i think they generally met up for coffee etc and organised going to the cinema or theatre together. So i would try looking in your area for something.


You could also maybe try looking for volunteer opportunities in your area, it wouldnt be bereavement related unless you wanted to train to be a counsellor, but an opportunity to meet new people - there is allsorts not just charity shops - community gardens might be an area of interest to you perhaps. There is a database called doit.org - you put your postcode in and it gives you a list of places looking for volunteers.
 
My only other sugestion would be doing something educational - i started doing free online courses which lead to me then doing some voluntary design work -
it still leaves me home alone so to speak but at least i feel i am doing something worth while -futurelearn do all sorts of these courses - some are paid but there is a lighter free version of them too - you follow the course but communicate with fellow students via a comments section - I did a creative writing one and the others on it created a facebook group - i think a few have met up as well.

My mum who was also widowed in her early 60,s did nightclasses with other people and made friends that way - it doesnt have to be education as in career style she didnt want or need that, but something you are interested in -because that interest is a common starting point fo conversations with new people. Sh did architecture then when she retired topped it up to degree level with u3a - but there were field trips and residentials which was an opportunity for her to go away on holiday as well so to speak.

Sandra61:
Hello and welcome, Badger55! Not sure if you are new here of if I just don't recognise the name! Hi anyway! :hug:

I can relate to what you describe as I am in a similar position to you. I don't have any family either, am 58, work part-time, so am home alone even more than you are and have a cat that visits! I had never lived alone until my mum died about nineteen months ago, so I do notice the difference now. I find coming home to an empty house hard and a little depressing and sometimes wish I had some company at home too, although I don't mind being on my own too much most of the time. I tend to be one of those people who can always find something to do, but I do wish I had someone to talk to sometimes. I miss that and the presence of someone else in the house. It does feel very empty with only me here now.

I find the first thing I do when I get up now is switch on the radio, so that I can hear people talking and then switch it to music if I'm not interested in what they are discussing. Sometimes I leave the light on when the evenings are dark so that I'm not coming home to a dark house. Also, I still talk to my mum and dad out loud at home and to myself sometimes! I suppose these  are some of the ways I cope with being at home on my own. But yes, it is a bit lonely.

I know some people use the chatroom on this website for virtual company. You could try that to help break up the monotony, but I don't think there is an easy answer. I know there are bereavement support groups. You could try joining one of those and might find some answers from amongst those attending, but I think it is largely, just a matter of building a new life; introducing new things into your life to spike your enthusiasm and catch your interest. These things will help lift your mood and improve things for you.

The best thing I have found that helps with loneliness in the evenings is that I joined a class. I'm not a gym person. I find the gym very boring. I tried it, but it's not for me. Instead, I go to a ballroom/latin dance class two or three nights a week. I am extremely grateful that I found it and was brave enough to join, as I think this was what saved me and stopped me sliding into depression after mum died. I found I could not think about anything else and was just getting more and more depressed. I knew I had to do something to try to stop that from happening and so I found this class.

I've been going for a little over a year now. I usually go once a week at least and often two or three times a week. I really find it helps a lot with loneliness. I have met some lovely people there who do text and phone me outside of classes and who understand about loss and have been very supportive, more so than existing friends and family, so that has been helpful from both the perspectives of grieving and of loneliness.

The dancing itself is great exercise and has improved my physical condition, toning me up and giving me more energy, helping me lose weight and exercising my mind as well as my body. Also I think it has improved my balance and strengthened my muscles. It also improves your mental state by making you learn new skills and think about the steps and routines. It releases endorphins that make you feel happier and dancing does in any case, just make you happy. Add to that that it is a social activity and that as learners, we make lots of mistakes,  :rofl: and we end up laughing a lot and chatting a lot when we run out of steam, so it all combines to give you a lot of fun and a great night out, so I always come home with a smile on my face, feeling like I've had a good time!

It only goes on for two or three hours a night and you can leave when you please, so you don't have to stay for the whole time, but it also tires you out, so you sleep better too. It makes the loneliness at home much less pressing, as I have something to look forward to and know I have somewhere to go a couple of times a week that I will enjoy and has improved the quality of my life beyond recognition compared to how it was after mum died and before I started going, so, for me, it was the answer. I can bear being on my own the rest of the week, even enjoy it a little, as I know I won't be doing that every night.

There are still times when tears well up and I can feel the lack of anyone's presence pressing in on me, but I just have to accept that this is my life now and remind myself of the things in it that are still good and that I have to accept that this is how it is now and it really is not so bad. I suppose life is what you make it, so you have to make is as good as you can.

You may or may not like the idea of dancing, but there may be some kind of equivalent that would suit you. A friend of mine who lost both his parents recently decided to join a cookery class and that seems to be helping him too. He is cooking different things at home and enjoying experimenting with that and likes having those classes to look forward to going to as well. There must be some classes that run in the evening in other subjects too. Churches often run evening meetings and activities too, so that might be another option, if you are a church-goer.

It is good to take up a new interest and have something to occupy your thoughts other than everyday life and your loss and have something to look forward to doing and somewhere to look forward to going. Also the people you meet can become really good friends and, as I say, they text and phone me outside classes, so that breaks up the monotony at home too.

I'm not sure what else to suggest, but I do really feel that having this life outside of work has helped me no end and I would not be without it now. I am still on my own at home, but not every night. Even when I am, I practice dancing some steps at home and have all the usual chores to do too, but the fact that I know I am not going to be in on my own every night really helps and encourages me to enjoy the time that I am. Does that sound odd? Well, that's how it feels.

I have the TV on in the evenings for background noise, if nothing else. I'm sorting through cupboards, trying to sort through my mum's things and doing all the usual everyday paperwork, when I am in, but knowing I will have dancing coming up, makes all that more bearable and less depressing.

Does any of this help? I hope so. There is more to life than work and home. You could consider going out somewhere other than the gym at least one night a week and somewhere that will involve you not just doing whatever it is on your own, as going to the gym does, in my experience. It really does help break up the time you do have to spend on your own and really lifts your mood and the way you feel about this new life you have had thrust upon you. I am biased, so I would recommend dancing beyond any other activity, but I know it's  not for everyone. However, from my point of view, there really is nothing better. My mum always loved it too in her younger day and always talked about it a lot, so I feel she would have approved. I usually tell my mum and dad I am off to dancing when I go and invite them along, if only to watch! A bit mad perhaps, but it makes sense to me!

Life on your own. There are no easy answers, but I think you have to seek out what will work for you and once you find it, life feels much better. I did consider joining a choir. Singing makes you happy too. Some of those run in the evening, but am so glad I went with the dancing!

Good luck, Badger55! Have a look around. There must be something else you can go out and do at least once a week, if not more. It really does help to get out, especially if the activity has some kind of social aspect to it. :hearts:

green dragon:
Hi Badger, so your problem seems loneliness in the evenings and at the weekend? I wonder if you are specifically missing the companionship of a partner, rather than that of friends, which you seem to have?

When I saw you had a cat I thought, well, what more do you need of an evening?! ;-) but it's different for everyone. I have cats and they do the trick for me but maybe you like to see the lights on when you come home, someone to hear puttering around the house, someone to watch telly with and to have a quite meal with, go for a walk without feeling you have to constantly enterain with chatter - things like that.

If you just want interesting chatter that is not the telly, there are lots of podcasts these days online, a format of which I am a fan. Some of the podcasters are very thorough and interesing, and I like listening to hear my views shared about this subject or that, or to learn something new.

I have also enjoyed nature walks; if you persist on going, you will find that a large number of people are open to having short chats, and some return as well, and you can possibly make new acquaintances, if not friends. Now that the weather is getting warmer and the days longer, you can take a walk in the evening - provided your neighbourhood is safe and you're not allergic to pollen. Walks do tend to be refreshing. I also recommend city breaks, if you're in shape. A short change of scenery can recharge you - unless you don't like travelling.

Karena:
sandra i am curious to know, doesnt dancing involve relying on some-one else to be there on their own - i have always thought it was a two person thing to join - never been (well not since i did Ballet as a kid) because the idea of turning up finding everyone already partnered up and me standing around looking like a spare part doesnt appeal.

( i dont think there is any here anyway, but like you it appeals more than a gym, which there is up the dale, but that one is nothing more than a lycra based body beautiful fashion parade for the rugby wags - i have  tried and failed to fit ( literally when it comes to the clothes)  before  :rofl:)

The thing about going for a walk though Badger is, even if you dont meet anyone, it is still something that feels less lonely just being outdoors ( as long as its a safe area of course) -i dont do it as often now since my dog died but taking a dog gives me a reason d-etre, which seems to be something i need to have to go anywhere these days - but i have other peoples dogs for holidays so i take them out, - just wondering if you have a friend/neighbour who might appreciate you doing that - but another trick i used was taking a camera -and doing a themed collection,  one year i took a photo of the same view weekly to show seasons passings, but then i found i can use it for going anywhere not just a wald locally -  i went to a steamfair that had vintage cars and took chrome car radiator grids, had a three hour rail connection time to pass in Manchester and took photos of the gable ends of the buildings,- there isnt much point to them in terms of usefulness of the collection ( occasionally i might use one for work, but doing it helps in making me feel i have a more vaild presence and focussing on a particular theme is also distracting me from being surounded by couples/famillies and feeling even more isolated than being home alone.
If you live near the coast have a look at the dolphin/whale watch events, that will be fresh air and company, - i dont live near the coast but i do help out with the land/ sea  based surveys for them -as a holiday activity,  - also maybe look for beach/ inland waterway clean ups, theyre usually  freindly people,  but again, for me anyway, its having a common interest and a common goal that makes it work.   

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