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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello again - 6 months on
« Last post by Karena on Today at 10:27:36 AM »
Hi again.
If you find writing helps then you could start your own diary thread -i used to write one in letter form on the old forum board -i found the act of writing helped -reading back when i felt i had taken 1 step forward and 2 back just so i could see that it wasnt really the case -but also because i was writing letters it also helped me focus on the here and now because it wasnt all about how much i missed him but also what i was doing what familly was doing -where i had been,the stse of the garden -just everyday stuff that i supose you would write in an old fashioned letter if some-one had gone away for any reason.
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I think that about sums it up -except i wonder if we really do fool our friends -our real friends -when we say that and do they say too our other friends "she is fine," or do they say "she says she is fine but ---"
and your brother would he really think you are silly or would he quietly breathe a sigh of relief because he feels the same but cant express it in case you think he is being silly.

Going back to work after 4 years isnt easy for anyone, without all the additional complications you have from grief  -i was wondering have you thought about doing a short part time course first -it would probably boost your confidence, give you a goal - and also look good on your CV.
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How are you?

It’s a good question, it’s a caring question. I cannot answer that question.

How are you today?

Also a good question, a slightly more understanding question. How am I today? It depends who you ask. If you ask the me of this morning, who was paralysed by a photograph of her Dad and herself on her wedding day she happened to glance at as she grabbed the milk out of the fridge, she is not ok. She saw the photograph, she watched the memories of that day behind her eyes like a slideshow, she watched herself be walked down the aisle by her beloved father and watched the tears of pride and joy in his eyes as he confirmed that he was there to “give this woman”. She watched that piece of life play before her eyes as she reached for the milk and was once again broken by the reality that her father is no longer there. Yet there he is, captured in time in a photographic window of the past. These memories are far from sad, but they hurt. That me is not ok, that me still does not understand how a person can no longer be, that person cannot accept the truth that she will never see her father again.

If you ask the me of an hour later, she is fine. She helped her kids dress and clean their teeth, piled them into the car, laughing at a joke one said and felt proud that the other is starting to talk more, sharing her little voice with the world. She drove happily to nursery and gave her kids a kiss and a cuddle as she dropped them off. She got back into the car and made a few phone calls. Sorrow and loss did not cross her mind as she went about her business. She greeted other mums and dads at nursery with a wave and a smile and she answered the question “how are you?” with a “fine thanks”, because in that moment, for that piece of her day, she really was fine.

How are you on the whole?

I can answer that question. Up and down. Up and down is what I am. I cannot predict when I will be paralysed by grief, I cannot guess when the wave will hit me or how long it will take for the wave to become ripples and slowly ebb away once more. It might be that I am fine for a week, you would never guess during that time that I am plagued by such sorrow. Your friends might ask after me, “how is she doing then?” they might say, and you would say “ah she’s fine!”.

If you are fine half of the time, are you fine?

Sometimes my brother calls and he asks how I am doing. I would feel melodramatic telling him the above. Speaking of this other me frequently strangled by grief who simply cannot process that the unthinkable happened, who does not understand why the universe didn’t stop and take notice.

The me who is fine feels silly admitting to the other “overly emotional” me, the “dramatic” me.

And yet I am mostly alone during the day. I cannot seem to do anything. I have been a stay at home mum for the past 4 years. I should be out there searching for jobs, but I am afraid to, I often feel socially anxious, awkward, lacking in self-confidence.



How are you? I don't really know, but keep asking.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello again - 6 months on
« Last post by Emz2014 on Today at 08:13:02 AM »
yes, there is.  A link for it can be found on the home page (http://www.bereavementuk.co.uk/), you will see it further down in the list - called live evening chatting with members
We also have a facebook page, and the link is in the same list  :hearts: xx
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello again - 6 months on
« Last post by EmmaInRome on February 19, 2018, 10:51:04 PM »
Thank you Emz - is there a live chat session/room? If so could you give me a look no for it please?

Again, many thanks 🙏
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Sudden Death
« Last post by Lost675 on February 19, 2018, 08:17:30 PM »
The empty bed feeling is awful. I put a pillow in the bed on my husbands side. Somehow, just helps me feel the bed isn't so big and empty.
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello again - 6 months on
« Last post by Emz2014 on February 19, 2018, 07:38:32 PM »
Hi Emma

People use the board in a variety of ways, can ask for tips, just come to share whats on your mind/need to talk through, can do a diary where you regularly write to your loved one or just join us for some light hearted daily chat
We are not professionals here, just a group of people who have lost loved ones and all understand the grief rollercoaster. Xx
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Mum
« Last post by Emz2014 on February 19, 2018, 07:36:10 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug: this grief rollercoaster truly sucks, you're never alone here. Hold on in there xx
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Sudden Death
« Last post by Emz2014 on February 19, 2018, 07:35:16 PM »
 :hug: sending a welcome hug.  This grief rollercoaster takes time and I hope you find some comfort/support here during your journey xx
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Sudden Death
« Last post by Ramesh on February 19, 2018, 06:37:07 PM »
Kim, Pam

Thanks for your messages of support and acknowledgement.

Pain beyond words - I'd echo that.  It is a massive shock.  Any kind of words would almost bound the raw pain, which I have not wanted to do.  I've had moments when I've just wailed, but more lately, this has given way to mostly numbness.  Then the loss comes back in unexpected ways - such a recent trip to one of our supermarkets - head filled with memories as I walked around.
I struggle to call out for help and in reality don't need much in my state.  For me a simple, I hear you and I'm here for you is enough.

Am learning quickly who I can and can't lean on.

Loneliness - struggling with this - big time.  Empty bed - magnifies the pain before sleep and on waking.  Not sure how to deal with this.      Even when I have family staying over to watch out for me, ultimately, I'm going to sleep alone.
I guess this is something that needs to involve other people and waking hours.  Being back at work might help, but need to be ready for that.

Guilt - I've just parked that for now - haven't been able to deal with it, but know it will keep coming back.

I have a sense that things may ease with time and have enough of an understanding to look after myself through this.

Right now, however, I'm happier in my misery - that is all I can muster and all I have to connect me to my love.  Why would I wish to let go of that?
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