Author Topic: Sorry, got to rant  (Read 3705 times)

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Offline Twinkle

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Sorry, got to rant
« on: April 26, 2018, 06:51:33 PM »
So I will try to give you a shortened version, and not bore you, my Mum died suddenly of a heart attack. I was with her, fought to save her, obviously didn't , anyway I was the youngest of 4 children, the only child of a second relationship, Mum and I were so close, we had lost my Dad 25 years previously... anyway  I lost Mum that night, my world utterly crumbled, it really did, theirs not so much, mum's body was taken away at 11 Monday night, at 9 a m my brother and sister were in Mums house clearing her stuff, I had no choice but to go, funeral organised and sorted, her ashes went in with my Dad as she wished, and then they decided to argue about the stone, they did not want hers and Dads name on the same stone, they were not married ( shocking I know) they knew I had no money and thought they could ride rough shodvkver me, but I knew the  man who was doing them and he did me a deal so I could have them both together, so they chose to do their own separately, fine except they then all freely admitted they would not go visit it, 
Well the thing is, sorry this is so long, is it was Mums birthday Tuesday, I went up there as I had done every week, thought I better clean theirs, it was then I saw they had the wrong date of birth on theirs, okay, stuff like that happens, but what has upset me so much is that when I told them,  they said it didn't matter! Just because they don't want to spend any extra money, it feels like the final straw, I miss Mum so much, and I wanted the last thing I could do for her was have a pretty well kept grave, that would have been important to her, and again I am being dictated too...

Anyway sorry, each day I come on here, hoping that I could offer words of advice, but sadly all I do is seem to moan...

Offline Karena

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2018, 12:48:09 PM »
 :hug: of course you are upset it seems like they dont care -possibly the clearing the house thing could have been born from a need to do something -anything to get through the day, some people do that - and i agree absolutely that your mum and dad not being married is completely irrlevant as to whether they are named together.perhaps the it doesnt matter about the date is a defensive reaction too a genuine mistake they cant admit too.
 But you maintain yours and the dates are correct on yours so your mum does have that -you havnt failed her - also it isnt the last thing you can do for her - parents want to see their children grow strong and happy that doesnt end with childhood that is for their entire lives, and as you continue to get stronger despite set backs like this, you will take her with you - you cant see her but she is there in your heart and therefore by your side willing you on. I know for me, it would mean a lot more than a correct date on a stone to see my girls regain strength and walk tall and continue to carry me with them i think your mum would feel the same. :hug:

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2018, 06:09:22 PM »
Thank you Karena, sadly I do know why they wanted to clear out Mums house so quickly, she lived in a housing association house, and was on benefit, and in particular my brother openly said he wasn't paying a penny in rent. I dealt with all mum's stuff and made it clear it was not a problem  but he said I don't care what you say I am not paying a penny and I will strip her home whether you come or not. As for the date, trust me it is not a defensive mechanism they simply do not want to spend anymore money, I do know that being a good person and having a happy life is what mum and  dad would have wanted, and I will try, I think the reason the date is so important because they were so horrible to me  and fought so hard against their wishes to get my own stone for Mum and Dad , and they, who were so nasty about it too me couldn't even get that bit right. I just am so alone with my grief now,  I will keep going, for now, for them, hopefully deal with my anger....

Offline Karena

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #3 on: April 28, 2018, 07:03:05 PM »
 :hug:My friend was in a housing association flat and the family had two weeks to clear it.Maybe they were frightened by rumours it would cost to go over. No excuse for the stone though that just seems petty and silly. :hug:

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2018, 06:41:44 PM »
It was all about money, sadly, my other 3 half siblings believe money is everything, Mum had none, Dad did have, but spent it all, as a result they said Dad didn't love Mum or myself, despite the fact he had set her up with a charity and other things that meant she was okay, anyway I  couldn't stop them, and I will never forgive them, so many things I can no longer find, including a really sentimental ornament I gave Mum for Mothers Day when I was 6, she had left it to me in her will,
As for the stone, they made it plain when we went to pick them that they would not visit it, it was all so sad and hurtful to me

Offline Karena

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2018, 01:31:07 PM »
 :hug: I think even though i have been trying to see some kind of excuse for their behaviour it is becoming more difficult - some people are just destructive in their relationships with others
you will find their negative influence  can over time be turned neutral as you find other people, who do care move into your life. :hug:

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #6 on: May 02, 2018, 07:15:16 PM »
I agree, it's a hard learning curve through, I have to somehow let this go and focus on the ones who do care x

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #7 on: May 02, 2018, 08:14:10 PM »
It is hurtful, but sometimes it's best for us to step away from people who hurt us and don't have too much to do with them.  Try and focus on those around you who do care and build your network around you with better people. 
I was hurt by the actions of my uncles, but in time I have come to the stage it doesnt hurt me anymore, I focus on those who are there for me instead.  Time is valuable, and those are the people who deserve your time and thoughts   :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline GHOST

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..
« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2018, 12:15:26 AM »
........
« Last Edit: November 27, 2018, 09:02:02 AM by The Laird Of Galloway, Scotland »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #9 on: May 03, 2018, 07:00:35 PM »
I just dont understand how people think they are entitled to say some things - I cant imagine ever saying something so horrid to someone who has lost someone dear :-(   it is so hard but we have to remember that even though people may have many many opinions none of them are actually in your life so their opinions are irrelevant.  Opinion isnt a fact. Just like with a marriage, everyone outside/around may have their own perception or opinion of the relationship and may see snippets that are shown to them but they're not in the relationship and will never know the full truth.

A phrase that has helped me so much, through many situations, is "your value does not decrease based on someones inability to see your worth"

Screw the haters, focus on the good people and surround yourself with people who are in your corner.  Cant choose your family but can create your own from friends xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #10 on: May 04, 2018, 11:33:20 AM »
Thanks Emz thats a really handy saying to remember.I dont understand how people can be so horrible too each other either. :hug:

I was thinking about facebook this morning -on the one hand it useful for contact with friends, and on the other there is so much hatred spouted on there including things passed on from friends -who knew some of my "friends"  and i dont have friends i havnt met - are racist/sexist/homophobic/fascist and  can  threaten to "kill"  whoever has  upset them, its almost as if people think theyre anonymous so can say what they like and if what they say is actually what they believe and theyre not just jumping on a popularist band wagon then its even more depressing. Add to that the comments in groups from people  i dont know  - one a wildlife reserve - supposed to be photos and experiences of the wild life and has also become a hotbed for complaints and some really cruel racist comments, in a country where its a really serious issue that is suposed to have gone away. I used to find going on facebook a solution too lonliness, but increasingly its becoming a source of depression and  of fear for the state of the world. But what to do, leave and pretend it isnt happening  -or stay and try and  try to negate some of the vitriole.It seems there will definitely have to be some pruning going on -for the sake of my sanity. :whistle:

Sorry Twinkle I hijacked your thread, but i do wonder if this kind of thing is spilling into everyones life and at best making us less thoughtful and less considerate of others and at worst into more hate filled humans.
 

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2018, 07:32:25 PM »
Don't worry, it's good to see others thoughts on here, as far as Facebook goes, I do not have anyone on my friends list who is not a friend or relative, I keep the circle small, and since losing Mum it has helped with informing distant relatives and when I can't stop crying, like yesterday, I put something on their, and friends and family help me through, I have had another awful weekend with my family been awful to me about Mum, and as much as I want to remove myself I can't, it hurts so much, and I just don't believe people do not gave empathy for others, and say such dreadful things,  it's been 7 months since Mum died, they have made a point of telling me they are fine, me, I feel l am drowning...

Offline Karena

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #12 on: May 14, 2018, 12:13:22 PM »
 :hug:You dont have to remove yourself, they are your familly, but throughout our life people in it have different roles.They might be fine, but that doesnt mean they couldnt show you more understanding, it could be they arnt fine but dont know how to express that so bury themselves in "normaility". Either way it seems they cant cope with your emotions and thats why they cant help you, so they aren,t the people who will but you will find others who can help. :hug:
« Last Edit: May 14, 2018, 12:22:32 PM by Karena »

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #13 on: May 14, 2018, 08:19:29 PM »
You are right, they cannot deal with my emotions, and I know they were only doing what they had to for them, but there is no excuse for the way they had no thought for what I needed or what Mum would have wanted, I can't forgive them and I guess am trapped in the anger about it, all the time before Mum died and after, I made excuses for them to Mum and after she died I tried to keep the family together, am sad that none of them showed me that respect, for sure my friends have been so much understanding and yet they were my family.....

Offline Karena

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Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2018, 10:39:54 AM »
I dont know if it would help, but writing it down, expressing the anger in a letter too them -that you then don,t send but burn while mentally letting go of the anger is something i,ve seen recommended. :hug: