Author Topic: Can't talk to anyone...  (Read 2530 times)

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Offline Anon27

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Can't talk to anyone...
« on: May 10, 2017, 11:17:26 AM »
So apologies in advance coz I feel like this is just going to be a bit of cyber/verbal vomit. I haven't been able to speak to anyone and I feel like it's all going to come out here. So sorry!

My dad died 3 months ago. He was taken into hospital suddenly (although he had problems with his lungs for years - he was always in and out of hospital. But he always came out). Within hours he had ben put into an induced coma and then a week later he passed away. We were with him but I haven't been able to shake the trauma of that week and his final hours and the feeling of holding his hand and watching as the numbers on the monitor slowly dropped to 0. I can't get the image of my mum holding him and begging him not to leave us out of my mind.

I took a week off work and threw myself back in. I work with young offenders and I felt a responsibility to them to get back to 'normal'. My grandma was also seriously ill at this time and in hospital. Every night after work I was going to see her, at the same hospital my dad had just died in. I would have dreams about wandering around the hospital - I couldn't get away from it. A month later she passed away too. I again, took a couple of days off then went back to work.

2 months later, I'm on my way to work and I just break. I can't stop crying and my husband has to come and pick me up. This isn't me. I'm the one in my family who has it all together. I'm the one supporting everyone else. The one hugging others as they cry. The one who speaks at the funerals as I have it together.

I had a week off work and tried to go back on Monday. I broke again and have been signed off for another week. The thought of going back is making me really anxious though. Work have been great and they provide a counselling service but I can't talk to anyone without sobbing. Weird for me as I was the one calling friends and family to break the bad news and I was fine.

I really don't know what I expect to get from this but I'm hoping that I can at least get some advice? I feel weak and a failure at the moment and can't talk to my family as I don't want them to worry. I know neither my dad or my grandma would want me to be feeling like this which just makes it harder. Thanks for listening.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Can't talk to anyone...
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2017, 10:04:49 PM »
It is hard when you are the strong person in the family.  It feels alien to acknowledge things may be too much for us, and sometimes even to accept help from others
Grief is a rollercoaster journey. 3 months is really early and the biggest advice I can give is to allow yourself TLC.  Sometimes dont have to achieve everything, and its ok to stop for a while.
Getting back into work does help as it provides structure and temporary feeling of normaility.  But perhaps you need a couple of weeks off, relieve the pressure on yourself - its ok to slow down for a bit.  See how you feel then. Once you have rested you will find it will be easier to return to work 
Talking about it with us may help give you an outlet, which may help on your journey  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Anon27

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Re: Can't talk to anyone...
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2017, 09:18:48 PM »
Thank you. Just typing it was a start. Even if no one read it, it helped to get it out there. I'm trying not to freak out about going back to work Monday, it just seems so close. Thank you for taking time to read what I wrote, and even more so for replying. I never thought something like this would make me question everything I'm doing so much.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Can't talk to anyone...
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2017, 10:24:36 PM »
It does help to write it out - gets it out of our minds and can sometimes help us see a bit clearer or make sense of what we are feeling   :hearts:

Take each day as it comes, try and focus your mind away from Monday for now.  During this journey it often helps to break everything down into steps so it's less daunting, so take it day by day.  On particularly bad days it can help to focus on hour by hour xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx